Lavender Snow

Journal

Day nine.

Dream hasn't found the entries I'm keeping under the mattress. He's still taking the fakes I keep in my sketchbook, though. Maybe I shouldn't be hiding these? I don't know. Privacy is important, I guess.

I can say his name now. I mean, I always could, theoretically, but I was too scared to for some reason? Just Enderian rumors, haha. . . but now it's just like a normal name? I don't know, Dream's just so chill. He's like a normal person. It's weird.

He does keep hitting me though. I still have to get up the courage to ask him to stop. He's so nice, maybe he's doing it 'cause he thinks I still like pain. I don't think he wants to hurt me, oddly enough. He's really fun to hang out with?

I wish someone else would visit me, though. Even Hyphae. I have so many ideas for how I could drive him crazy.

I miss everyone

I wonder how Wilbur's doing in the city? Maybe he'll come to take down Dream and free everyone somehow. And then he can find me and rescue me. I guess.

I don't know anymore. Fuck you.

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Day twelve.

I told Dream not to hit me today. He got really upset, which I guess is reasonable, I was kind of ordering him instead of asking politely like I should have. After he got mad for a bit though, he explained that I'm an Enderian, so I'm supposed to like pain, which I guess is true? But it still feels wrong? I don't know. . .

He brought me a chorus wrap today. I forgot how much I missed them. They're so good. I wish Wilbur was here to try it. No, actually, Wilbur wouldn't like being here. He'd probably attack Dream.

I mean, I guess I'm supposed to attack Dream, but I don't really. . . see the point anymore? He's not doing anything he's not supposed to, it's just culture. Just because Earth is different from the End doesn't mean one or the other is better. That's what he said, at least, and it makes sense. Earth has its flaws, too. Techno was telling me about those Greek heroes, and some of them were really fucked up. Like Oedipus? Dude killed his dad and married his mom. Not a very poggers move.

Dream's coming, got to go.

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Day eighteen I think? I forgot to write for a few days.

I really like it when Dream's here. He's actually really funny. He keeps bringing me stuff, too, and is really curious about Earth. I told him about the geese in the park, and he laughed for like five minutes. He has a really funny laugh, it's like a tea kettle. I make fun of him for it a lot.

He keeps asking about Tubbo, for some reason. I guess he just wants to know about my friends. For some reason. I guess.

He's gone right now. He has a lot of meetings. Makes sense, he's the emperor, after all. I kinda wish he didn't, though. I don't like being alone. It's too quiet. And dark. I don't like the dark. It's too. . . empty? I don't know.

I wonder when Dream's going to be back? I miss him.

Fuck this empty room.

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Day nineteen.

Dream gave me some new clothes, finally. They're Enderian clothes, of course, but he remembered I like red and got me some cool red ribbons to go with it. He also gave me a new sash with his smile on it, like the Elytrians wear. He said that maybe if I behave, he'll let me wear it and wander around the palace with him! I'm going to behave extra well for him, I'm sick of this place.

Honestly, if it weren't for Dream, I don't think I would have been able to stay sane here. It's so empty still, and I really really hate the obsidian walls. My mind keeps playing tricks on me and it looks like limbo. But whenever Dream's here, I'm fine. He's a good friend.

He keeps asking about Tubbo and Techno and Phil and everyone. I don't get it. Why is he so interested in them?? It's not like he can get to them. They're on Earth, and I can't imagine him jumping into the void to get to them. Who knows if that would even work, anyways.

I do miss Earth. I want to see Phil again. And Techno. Maybe someday I can get back to Earth and then. . . Well, I don't know what we'd do, but I still want to see them.

I gotta take a piss now. Bye stupid fucking idiot journal.

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Day twenty seven

Dream has been taking me out around the palace with him! He makes me wear a leash, of course, 'cause I'm an Enderian, but he doesn't mind too much about the rules! Apparently according to him, the Enderians were actually the ones who made up the rules, not the Elytrians. Weird, huh? I always thought of it the other way around.

Anyways, I made eye contact with like every Elytrian I saw, and they were very uncomfortable. It was nice seeing other people, but they didn't really like seeing me. I think if Dream weren't there, they would have beaten me up. Or maybe not beat me up? I mean, pain is good in the End, right? So it would be good if they hit me? I think? That's why Dream hits me, at least, because he wants me to be happy, and pain makes Enderians happy, and I'm an Enderian, so I should like pain, but only in the End I guess? Argh, this is too confusing.

He let me attend some meetings with him. He likes keeping the throne room dark, so the only thing people can see is his mask. It's fucking ominous. I told him that, and he laughed and said he did it because he doesn't want them seeing him looking bored. Body language, I guess, since they can't see his face with the mask, anyways.

It made sense, though, those meetings were really boring. They were just discussing where to build some new apartments since they just got some new Enderian shipments in. I gave Dream some advice for making the apartments comfier, and he seemed pleased.

He says I'm doing a really great job being good. He's happy. I'm not really happy, but I mean, I am still kind of a prisoner. And Kristin is still dead gone. And I still really miss Ranboo and Wilbur and Phil and Techno and Tubbo and everyone. Dream's fine and all, but I want to see them, too. I just really miss them. I just really want to go home.

I don't know what I want anymore.

Fuck me.

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Day thirty four I think?

I keep seeing limbo again. It's freaking me out. I almost told Dream about it, but I just. . . didn't. It just still feels wrong talking to him, I don't know why, 'cause he's been nothing but kind to me, but my mind still hates him! I'm so confused, I don't know what's happening to me. I'm starting to feel like I'm dead again. I don't really know if I'm even alive. Maybe I went insane in limbo and started imagining this. Dream was always supposed to be scary and mean. Is he nice because he's not really there?? Am I even here right now? I don't feel good.

I need to stop thinking about this.

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Day at least thirty five??

I don't know if I should keep writing here. . . it feels wrong hiding things from Dream. It's not like he'll ever find out, but he trusts me. I'm trying to be good, and this isn't. . . good? There's no rules not to hide things, but it's kind of a moral thing, innit?

I'm going to throw the journal pages in the lava tomorrow. I guess this is the last entry.

So, fuck you, journal.

This is still stupid.