Vulnerability

nine: tori

so re reading this, i realise this whole story may need a big ass trigger warning LOL. i'm gonna put one in the description, butt TW for Mental Health Topics

stay healthy guysss

I have no motivation for anything.

I have no meaning for anything.

I have no purpose.

I am worthless.

I am a burden.

I am nothing.

I am Nothing.

I Am Nothing.

I AM NOTHING.

I run my hands through my hair and pull as hard as I can.

Breathe.

                                         Breathe.

                                                                                          Breathe.

It's 4am. I am currently standing wide awake in front of the bathroom mirror. But as much as I try, I can't look at it. I can't look at myself. At this moment I'd rather stare right into the sun and probably end up blind. At least it's better than the sight I'm dreading to look towards.

I twist the cold tap on and wet my hands. And I drag them across my face. They stay there until I feel the sting of my nails digging in, which I didn't realise I was doing. I sigh at nothing in particular and everything at the same time. Sometimes I really don't want to be alive.

Somehow, I end up sitting on the cold floor. And once again, I am thinking. About everything and anything. My mind races at such a high speed I just feel like I will explode. Maybe I want to explode. 

I let out a breath I didn't realise I was holding. And I just start crying. I'm supposed to be sleeping, but no. I'm crying instead. The tears just freefall down my face, and I let them. I don't really cry a lot anymore to be honest, so this is kind of unusual. 

I decide it will be a good idea to go outside. At 4 in the freaking morning. Naturally, it is freezing, so as soon as I step outside I run back in to get my coat. I sit on the front porch, and just watch. Nothing specific. I'm more noticing really, rather than watching. I notice how there aren't any birds, and how the sky is getting lighter, and the more you look the more clouds there are. I see the streetlights reflect in the air because it's so cold. I watch the trees for a moment. Watch as the branches sway gently and the leaves fall off. They're a nice colour. I watch as the very few cars go by, then I create scenarios in my head for them. I make up stories of why they're out so early. The one in the dark blue car had to work early, but they're already late because they overslept. The one in the red car is going to pick up their kids, but they're leaving so early because their kids live four hours away with their family. And the one in the grey car is going to meet his wife in the hospital, who is coming home with their new born baby. Just because I said so. 

I do that a lot, I like to create stories about people in my head, because everyone deserves to have an interesting story. When I first met Michael, his story was that he had two siblings and he likes to run, and his favourite hobby is drawing. None of these are true, but it's nice to pretend. 

I like to make up stories about myself too. I imagine if I was happier, if I was one of those people who enjoyed living. Maybe I wouldn't feel the urge to pitch myself off a tall building every time I see one.