Vulnerability

three: charlie

TW: mentions of self harm

My sister Tori is probably the most terrifying person i've ever known. It's not that she's terrifying, it's that i'm always terrified for her. I'm terrified that she'll go off and do something impulsive and stupid. I'm always worried that she'll hurt herself like I did. I don't want her to go through what I did. It was scary, and it sucked. And if anything, Tori is the person who deserves that the least. She has been through so much. I know her mental health hasn't been perfect, she tends to think a lot about death, and just not waking up in the morning. I always feel terrible about it. Sometimes i think maybe some of it is my fault. I remember when my mental health was really bad. That wasn't a good time for her either. And i feel crap about not being there for her like she was there for me. Like she is there for me. Every day. Making sure I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. Making sure I have no intention of hurting myself. I wonder why it never occurred to me that maybe she had some intention of hurting herself. Come to think of it, I guess it did once or twice. But, being the idiot I am, I shook it off and told myself I was being stupid.

I wasn't being stupid.

Nick is coming round today. He hasn't really spoken to Tori since the fire two weeks ago. Neither have I, really. But I always know she's at least alive, so that's a plus. I know she's been hanging out with Michael a lot more. Which makes sense, seeing how they both almost died together. Tori and Michael are similar in no way whatsoever, but for some reason (and in a good way) they just click. I think he's good for her. She seems better. Not necessarily happy, but in a better mood and more talkative when she's around him.

Nick gets here and manages to quickly kiss me on the cheek before being snatched by Oliver. I love Oliver, really, but does he have to steal my boyfriend??? Oliver drags nick to the living room where he has Mario Kart set up.

"Oh you are going down Olly!" Nick laughs. They sit down to play Mario Kart. Oliver beats Nick. As they are bickering about who cheated and who didn't, Tori and Michael poke their heads through the doorframe.

"Hey Michael, I didn't know you were here." I say. Before Michael can speak, Tori interrupts him.

"He got here before you woke up." She said.

"But.. I woke up at 9..?" I say, dumbstruck.

"Yeah. He got here at half 8."

"That earl- you were awake at half 8?" I say.

"Yeah, couldn't sleep." She says.

Something is off. I can see. She looks tired. Well she always looks tired. She never really slept a lot, but this is different. I ignore the feeling and turn back to Nick and Oliver who have noticed Tori and Michael. Oliver runs up to Michael and grabs his hand, pulling him in front of the tv.

"Play Mario Kart with me and Nick! Oh please please pleaseeee!!" Oliver whines.

"Okay. I suppose one game won't hurt." Michael says.

Tori sits down next to me on the sofa, and looks over at Nick and Michael sat next to each other. Oliver is sat on Michaels lap, and Nick has a pillow on his lap. I look at Tori. I get that feeling I got when she was on that roof. Once again, I am terrified something is going to happen. I'm scared i'm going to loose her. So I comfort myself, and her maybe, and I grab her hand. She rests her head on my shoulder and puts her other hand on my knee. I don't know how long we stay like that, but the next time I look at her she's asleep. She probably needs it, so I let her be. Nick is now playing against Oliver, and Michael is cheering Oliver on. Then mum comes in.

"Hey guys. Having fun?"

Mum always is kinder when me or Tori have friends around. Also when Oliver is in the same room. Although I have noticed she's been less hard on Tori after the whole 'school burning down and Tori getting trapped inside a burning building then escaping to the roof and almost hurling herself off of it' incident.