The Boy With Wings

Chapter 9 ~ A walk with God

I felt lost, alone, and utterly confused. Let me back up a little bit. There is so much in my life and I have no clue what I am doing. I have to clean, make the money, work the overtime, fill the waters, take care of the animals, fix broken things in the house, manage funds, get debt paid off, take care of sick people, and the list goes on. While on the otherhand I need to try and have a social life, alone time, time to get healthy, time to work on projects, and work on my mental health. There is just not enough time in a day.
I want to be there for my family, I don't want to be like my father. But I also want to be there for myself. I often feel as though I am just a tool for my family to use and it hurts. My soul hurts. I feel as though I am not a part of the family, I am simply a tool to be used, abused, and forgotten.
I have only felt this a lone a few times. Long ago when I dealt with suicide and met the devil.
... Before me stood a mirror with a floral golden trim and frosty look around the edge, The silver of the mirror moved like water, rippling at the slightest touch. I see myself in tattered clothes, sunken in eyes, a wilted flower crown and dead looking hands. I reach out and touch the mirror as it ripples around my finger. In the place of my crumbling body a familiar bright being shines with four colorful wings and a body hidden by light.
A soft growl echoed as if bouncing off the walls, "What has come of you child. Why so broken and down trodden."
Not knowing who speaks to me I speak with an old and broken voice, "Who speaks to me as if you know me. What do you ask of me? I know not of what you speak?"
"You were once so youthful and strong, now you are but a tattered version of your former self. You have tattered clothes, old hands, even your wings are worn and dragging. I knew you an old soul, but this bringeth tears to mine eyes."
"So look away foul beast, if I disgust you so, look away. I did not ask you here, you have no business with me. Let me suffer in peace as this body whither and decay. My shallow heart and broken mind have gone through enough torment."
"Ah, but I was summoned, and I was requested to appear. For the mirror you touched summons the one you are in search for. You still hold anger for me and I still know not why. You say I have stolen from you, yet I have done no such thing. You know not who I am, yet you hate me with every fiber of your being."
With a flash of memory I roar, "Ezekiel!!" I stretch out my withered hand as the hilt of an old copper sword appears and grows a dented and chipped steel blade. With the force of an old warrior I swung my sword at the mirror as it shatters. In what feels as slow motion, pieces of the broken mirror flew through the air, all showing pieces of the light of Ezekiel. With a great cry of anger I wail as the already broken pieces shattered from the pure force of the sound. As if snowing silver and glass, the ground began to shimmer and shine. I started to notice my surroundings and that I was in complete darkness other than the frame of the once whole mirror.
Tears rolled down my face as I whispered, "what have I done?"
From the millions of shards came a whisper,"It is not to late. Find yourself  where two paths become one, and one path becomes five. Find your self where ash and snow unite, where water and fire flow together. Find yourself, where the sky kisses the earth, and the earth sings to the sky. You must burn before you soar."
With those words what little light there was, went out, and I was left in complete and utter darkness...
I came back to reality as a tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away as I looked around me. I was in my room laying on my bed, but I had no clue how I had gotten there. I looked at the time, 1700 hours, so 5 O'clock. I had some how made it through a full day of work, made it home and into my bed, with out realizing it. I am really stuck in my head today.
I rolled onto my tile floor and just lay there, appreciating the coldness. It is a struggle hating everything about my life right now. I hate my job and being yelled at. But I also want to go to work to escape my toxic home life. They only want me as a tool and make me feel worthless if I fall short at all, which I have been falling short ALOT lately. On top of that I barely have a social life, I am trying to find balance and everything just seems to be getting worse.
I pull out my phone and text one of my therapists. I need an appointment ASAP and it is going to be a heavy one.
Three days pass and I finally have my appointment, I go into the dimly lit office and sit on the massive chair. We begin by catching up.
She starts with a big smile, "How are things my guy?"
"They are going, today we need to focus on resentment and self worth."
"Sweet my guy! Let's get into it."
I close my eyes and lean back as I let myself melt into my mind...
Before me is a large mountain with two giant raven statues sitting on either side of a worn brick road. The Statues had feathers etched into the stone with Ruby eyes and every part of the statues were so realistic, as if they could jump off the pedistilles they were so precisely crafted on.
I take a large step forward as the Ravens turn to look at me with the sound of scraping stone. In unison a booming voice echos from the statues, "Who dares enter the land of Dream."
In a squeaky voice lacking confidence I respond, "I, who was once king of a land in your realm. I come seeking for guidance and peace. I was once a master of magic and a creator of imagination, but my power has diminished and what once I could do, I now can not. Every time I try to imagine a splitting headache would overcome me. I seek entrance into a land I once found solace."
"A king you once were, a king you are no longer. To enter here, one must answer Riddles 3."
"I accept the challenge."
"First Riddle!! What can you hold in your right hand but never your left?"
I pondered the question for a solid minute until I realized, "Your left hand!"
"Correct! Second riddle. What has one eye but cant see?"
This one was easy, I spoke with confidence, "A needle."
"Correct!" They looked at eachother then back at me and chuckled, "Last riddle! What runs, but never walks. Murmurs, but never talks. Has a bed, but never sleeps. And has a mouth, but never eats?"
Baffled I stare at them, "How are any of those possible?"
"Answer the riddle boy."
"Would it be a river?"
"Correct! You may enter."With the scratching and crashing of stone the raven guard cleared the path.
After a deep breath I stepped between the two and a rush of magic brushed past me. Suddenly I was wearing a simple tunic, a light blue cloak, and leather pants. Around me was an ever changing land scape, one moment mountains, then valleys, then suddenly plains. Children ran around with imaginary friends, playing imaginary games. People with hopes and dreams running toward them. Everything around me changed consistently except for the stone path.
I continued forward, not knowing what I was searching for. Every step seemed familiar, as if I have been on this path before. Before me was a casm that I remember somehow making, with great focus I envision a bridge, it takes everything in me to create it. A very simple bridge forms made of wood and rope. I quickly run across the bridge, once on the other side the entire bridge colapses. I faint as I come back to reality...
I tell my therapist what I have seen so far and she nods.  "Let us continue."
I close my eyes and fade back in...
I wake up on the brick road again, with the Casm behind me. Before me the road arches into the deep forest. I struggle up and grab a stick from the ground that turns into a snake. I throw it away as I yell in shock. The dream realm is amazing but weird. I concentrate on a large staff like stick and with all my strength I summon it to me. It flies through the air and as it touches my hand I transform. A long red cloak, a blue tunic and silver slacks. The staff glowed with a pale gold shimmer. I continued to walk using the staff as a crutch. A large oak door appeared with flowery vines climbing the arch way. I reach for the handle, when all of a sudden the door burst into a million butterflies. In their place was an archway into a large ballroom. I walk forward as the rooms familiar and almost calling me.
Before me was a great hall with turquoise walls and Jade pillars. Tacky colors but beautiful stone. A glowing door opened in the middle, and a being walked through it.
"Who are you?" I squeak.
"You know me child, for you speak to me often and ask for help in times of hardship."
"Great Spirit?"
"I have many names, but that is one."
"Why have you come?"
"My child, you asked me to, you have asked for guidance."
"Maybe so but I wasn't expecting you."
"Walk with me my son." The being grabbed my hand and we began walking, "I have watched you since long before you were ever born. I have cried many tears. I hated to watch you in pain, but pain and suffering are important ingredients. They allow you to simmer and change."
"But why? Why did I have to suffer so much? Why did I have to be alone? Why did I have to be hurt so often? Why did I have to get to the point of Suicide? Why all of this pain?"
"My child," He turned to me and cupped my face, "Pain is the essence of understanding. You are a powerful tool for connecting with others, loving others, and giving hope. You were alone so you could understand those who are alone. You were hurt so often living life and it also gave you experience in first aid and emergency care. You had to get to the point of suicide so that you may learn that you CAN climb out, nay soar out of that dark place on your own. You have had and still have things to learn."
As he spoke to me I began to tear up. "Why do I still feel alone?"
"I can not tell you that my child. You are in transformation. Now I must go, but know that I love you." With that he walked away and I came back into reality...
"Are you ok my guy? You were in there for a long time."
"I walked with God and I don't know how to feel."
"What an experience!"
"We have time for one more Journey, you ready?"
"As I'll ever be."
With three deep breaths, I close my eyes...
I am back in the large room, but this time there is a doorway to a long staircase. I begin the trek up holding the rail with my right hand, and staff with my left. I have an idea and try a levitation spell. I put my staff between my legs, waved my arms and stated firmly, Rise. I slowly lifted off the ground and leaned forward. I soared up the stairs going faster and faster, until I crashed into a wall.
"Ow." I got off the floor and tapped the staff on the ground."I have really gotten out of practice." Beside me was a door I had seen a million times. Every time I had come to it, it was locked.
When I reached for the door it opened, I pushed it the rest of the way. Before me was a large room that looked familiar, but different. There was a large panel almost like a spaceship in front of a comfortable looking chair. In the center of the console was a crystal ball with colorful lines extruding from it connecting to buttons, levers, switches, bobbles, and duedads. The room was fuzzy, almost like it hadn't been formed all the way.
I left the room with an understanding that it is not ready yet. As I exited the room a beam of light spiraled around me. A deep voice rang out, Every time you burn, be reborn. Ash is not the end, merely a new beginning.
... Suddenly I was back, tears rolling down my eyes, but not sure what to say. I always have been the boy with wings.