The Boy With Wings

Chapter 8 ~ Breakup's and broken hearts

I hadn't heard from Jacob for the past two days. I had gone out with a new friend from Facebook. We had gone to the gym and then bar hopping, so fun. The Monday after, after a weekend of anxiety and heartache, we met on my front porch. The wind blew through the wind chimes and a melancholy tune played.
"Romeo, I have thought long and hard about this."
"I know, and I understand."
"I think it is time for us to break up, and I understand if you want all your stuff back."
A quiver found its way into my voice, " How dare you think I want my stuff back. I gave you those even though I knew we were going to break up eventually."
"I am sorry."
"Do you even know me, did you ever know me? I want you to be happy."
"Thank you, I just think it is time for me to focus on preparing for a mission."
"I understand." I walk him to his car and give him one last hug,  "Promise we will always be friends?"
"Promise."
As I watch him drive away I began to cry. My heart felt very sore, and my body shook. Why did it hurt so much? Part of me was so heart broken, but the other part of me was glad.
    Although I was sad life kept going. I still struggled to maintain the house, my mental health was a mess, and I felt very alone, even though I was surrounded by people.
    I began a journey to better understand myself, my Savior, and my path. I cried a lot the next two weeks. But I also began to work with two therapists and a Psychiatrist. I got diagnosed with PTSD, on top of ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, Dyslexia, Autism, and a number of other things. Ended up on eight different meds. Now, I know meds are important, but I hate relying on them. The struggle is real.
    In therapy I discussed my abandonment issues, and my heart break, while in Hypnotherpy I worked on my internal trauma. Let us just say there was a lot of it. In one session it was very intense. I sat back in the chair and closed my eyes, and the vision began...
    Six beings standing in a circle, holding hands with a young sapling in the center. A beam of sunlight streamed through a blanket of clouds. The beings began to chant, "De pulvere veniente in pulverem reverteris. Renati ab igne." They chanted it over and over. Not sure what it meant but sounded latin and important. As they chanted, the tree would grow, and change, burst into flame and then be reborn. Not sure what it meant but it was fascinating to watch. The vision rippled as if water and the image was replaced with a boy standing in a sea of sand.
    The boy began to dance, with every movement of his arms and legs the sand moved and danced. As the boy danced he aged older and older going from child, to teenager, to young man, to middle aged, to old, and the cycle began again.  There was something hypnotic about this person's dancing. As if it were the ripplings of time...
    I came back to reality realizing two hours had passed. I had a lot to process. I went home and pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill and began to write.
Dear future Love,
When I look into your eyes I see the light of ambition, passion, and the fire of inspiration. When I feel your heart it pounds like the drums of ancient, rocks falling down the mountain, or soft thunder in the distance. I hope that you love me as much as I love you. Please remind me that you love me and be patient with me when I get self concious or cry. Please hold me tight and cuddle me close. Scratch my back and play with my hair. When I give you my heart, please be gentle with it as it is fragile and has been through much. When it rains, grab me by the waist and pull me close, put your hand on my cheek and pull me in. Kiss me with the feircness of a thousand rivers. Kiss me till I forget the world. Future love, please don't hurt me.
                    Love,
                        Romeo Winters.
After writing the letter, I folded the paper neatly and put it in a coffee stained envelope. I took gold was and sealed the letter. The seal was a flying phoenix inside a sun. I then put the letter in a place I would forget about until one day I would find it. While I hid the letter my instagram went off. It was a message from Jacob's new boyfriend. I had seen them a few times on socials and it was like a punch to the stomach and a slap to the face everytime. The messages began, "Hey, You should delete those pics of u and Jake on your Insta, U guys are not together."
"I know we aren't. But he is still a majorly important memory. He is an amazing person and ai hope you never hurt him. He deserves the best in this world. He is sweet, kind, good, loving,
strong, and a blessing to this world. I see that he spends a lot more time with you then he did with me. That is wonderful. But I also here you got jealous and that caused him to erase me. If that is what you need to feel like he loves you and that he is loyal and amazing, so be it. But I will never erase him from my life. We weren't meant for each other. But he was remarkable and taught me so much. You don't have to worry about anything between Jake and I. And because you are in his life he has pretty much disappeared and my heart broke. So please be good to him. I hope you have a wonderful day and that you both make each other happy"
"First of all the reasons why I wanted you guys to stop talking is because u still act like u are together. Not Jake, u do."
"I will have you know I act like that with literally everyone. What do I do that is like we are
together? I want specifics so I can do better."
"Before u used to send hearts to him and you still talk with his parents"
"Because they are basically family. He is still my friend. And I send hearts to everyone. That is not a relationship to me"
"Whatever"
"I am sorry that it bothered you. I have removed his pics from my Instagram though"
"Thanks"
"Yep"
"Just please don't get in the way. I trust Jake. That means I'm trusting you too"
"I won't get in the way. Just treat him right. That's all I ask"
"I promise I will U guys can still talk"
"Thank you. And I hope that you both make each other happy Jake and I are over. I will always love and respect him. But we are in two very different parts of our lives. It was time for us to split"
"Okay"
"I hope you can find the confidence and I do think you guys are an adorable couple. Just live your best lives and be for him what i never could"
From there I thought it was over. But then Jacob began to disappear. Part of me felt bad for his newe Boyfriend, to be so lacking in confidence and scared of me when we had both agreed to split.
    That night I went to bed, hoping for good dreams...
I stood on a clif as wind blowed around me. In front of me I see Jake and his new boyfriend, they kiss and laugh as they turn to look at me. I see jake tearing up my favorite hoodie I had given him while snearing at me. All of our good and bad memories passed through my head, then also things that never happened...
I woke up with a start. As tears rolled down my cheeks. I didn't realize how much pain I was really in.
A couple weeks had passed and I received a new text message from his ex.
"Get out and stay out of my boyfriend life"
"What? I didn't do anything?"
"U hurt him"
"How?"
"U told him he's not your type And u were a mean boyfriend, Did not treat him right"
"Oh my gosh it was a stupid thing that I had said when we first started dating. It was never meant to be mean. You do not know me. But also you are right, I didn't treat him the way he deserved. I was not a great boyfriend"
"So why do u still need to talk with him, He doesn't care about you"
"1 150% agree with you. Because he was one of my best friends. He will always be important, we just weren't compatible as partners,"
"And as friends"
"You. Do. Not know me child. You do not know my life. So please understand that you don't know anything"
"NO"
"Stay away And I hope i never get to know you"
"I will not be pushed around by you"
"SO What ru gonna do about it,  And your right I cant tell you what to do You make your own decisions But what I can tell you is I dont like you"
"That's fine. But since Jake has so much bad stuff to say about me. I want to hear them directly from him. And then I will leave. Neither of you will have to hear from me ever again"
"Good That won't be too long then"
"Once I hear directly from him"
I was fuming. This child disrespected me and Jake did nothing about it. In fact apparently I was the worst boyfriend ever. I admit I wasn't great, but I was not the worst boyfriend. I felt betrayed and hurt. I received a message from Jake saying good bye and then was blocked. My heart was completely shattered.
    Several weeks had passed and I made some realizations, I had also turned into a bit of a whore. I lost my virginity and just started hooking up and partying. I lost myself a bit and just tried to live my life.
I often wonder if Jacob ever truly loved me. Or if maybe he just liked having a boyfriend. I often think back on our relationship and analyze, maybe I loved him more than he loved me. I would do what I could to give him fond memories to look back on, I wanted to be with him, I WANTED to make time for him. Now don't get me wrong, I was far from a perfect boyfriend, I was clingy, I had a lot of burden on my plate, I was an emotional disaster, and I would say stupid things.
Jacob and I were very different. Cuddles were a place of peace for me, while for him, he was not a fan of physical touch. Even in Quality time we were different. He was active while I was passive. I am not the hero of the story of Romeo and Jacob, but not the villain either. To make me the villain even though I did everything I could to go at a comfortable speed for him. I worked hard to give him the memories I never got, or had someone want to give me them. I did my best, which is why I am pretty sure he never loved me