𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄 - p. anselmo

chapter 8 - incognito

1991
Denali

ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ-

Touring feels as if it won't end. Almost a year in a smell bus with smelly dudes and weird roadies. I swore all of them were pervs, asking off questions to make you really uncomfortable. I didn't let it get to me though. I had bigger things to worry about, like my job, and interviews and, keeping my distance from Phil.

Since the groupie incident, I have been caught in my own mind, over- analyzing every small and minuscule detail about what happened. It drove me right up the wall, but could I do anything about it? No.

I wanted to see who would notice. But I also did it for myself, so I wouldn't hurt myself and others.

I heard Dimes guitar screech from the living room. Last night I got no sleep, so I only fell asleep around 3am making me wake up at 10:30am.

"Well good morning sleepy head!" Rex said as I entered the lounge. Phil had a bong in his hand, looking up at me and giving me a "relaxed" smile. 

I sat down without saying a word, just rubbing my eyes and putting my head in my hands as I tried to re-think last nights events. Before I could remember Darrell stopped playing and sat down with the rest of us.

"So sleeping beauty, you really had a time last night huh?" Darrell smirked.

"Just tell me dumbass" I said, my accent poking through thoroughly.

"If it wasn't for Phil, you would have stripped, then blacked out"

"Oh well..." I said rolling my eyes and sighing.

The room became un-sober as the minutes passed. Darrell, Phil and Rex totally out of it, leaving me and Vinnie the only sober ones, and it stung. I wanted to rip that stupid bong out of Phil's hands and hit it myself but I had to wait.

"Want some?" He asked. I then grabbed it and hit it like nothing. In minutes I was just as stoned as them. Bowl, after bowl I was relaxed, almost falling asleep, and surprisingly not greening.

"She doesn't look too good" Phil said looking at me as if I was gonna die.

"Denny...you okay?" He asked putting his hand on my arm and shaking me lightly. When I didn't respond, and let my head fall onto the back of the couch I began to laugh.

"Denny, cmon we're worried" Phil said. He was serious, but I was so out of it that I didn't care for once.

I just let go of all reality and it was the best feeling ever.

"Denny" Phil said shaking me more.

"Phil...do me a favor" I said swallowing, feeling the taste of my dry mouth.

"What?"

"Shut the fuck up" I said laughing historically. Darrell and Rex laughed with me but Phil still wasn't laughing.

I didn't even feel bad, matter of fact I didn't feel anything...

I ended up passing out again for three hours, waking up to our bus at a halt, but in somewhere different. As I slowly moved my body into a sitting position, I noticed how late it was. Roughly 9pm, making tonight's show at 11.

"Finally your awake, I was worried" Phil said.

"Why?" I asked shaking my head in a bitchy tone. This wasn't me.

"Sorry, just...nevermind" he said standing up and walking toward the bunk-room.

Slowly, I picked myself up and stumbled to the fridge, opening it and finding nothing to drink but beer. I sighed and closed it, sitting back on the couch.

Nothing left but silence and my own thoughts. Again...

It's my fault, I'm the asshole here. Phil doesn't deserve this just over some stupid feelings that I have. Stay away...

"We're back! Oh you're up" Darrell said walking into the bus with a white plastic bag. He opened it and handed me a bottle of ginger ale, and chips.

"You got me this?" I ask

"Mhm, you're welcome" he said smirking.

"Thanks man" I said. Sitting back onto the couch and watching as Phil stepped into the room again. That same weight still remained on my back, and at this point practically crushing me and killing me slowly.

Darrell and Phil both sat next to me deciding to converse over something that I had little to no interest in. After I had went quiet for minutes on end the guys looked at me weirdly. They analyzed my posture, features like my eyes and nose, watching as I tapped my fingers to an imaginary song on my thigh.

My mind was empty, along with my body feeling so light and unalive.

patience...

Why did I wait for something that seemed like it would never arrive?

"Denny...everything okay?" Darrell asked. All the eyes in the room were on me now, looking at me with sincere concern. Yet I still remained silent...

"I'm fine" I said, looking at those concerned eyes around the room.

tap...tap, tap...

The rhythm in my tapping song was lost, just like everything else.

"Denny..." Phil said pulling my attention to him slowly.

"Please...I'm worried" he whispered.

"I'm okay"

I'm okay...