Why is there this hole in my chest? Why do I feel hollow? Empty? Why does this keep happening... Why can't I be normal? Why do the voices never stop? Why can't anyone love me no matter how much I love them? Why am I so alone.
Are tears just a way of the body trying to wash away a memory. Because memories come from the eyes you know? Some memories are the other four senses- I'm not disputing that- but memories are what you've seen in your life. Tears are a way of making those things disappear. Or trying at least because they never disappear right? They haunt you much like the tears sting.
I'm a space in the universe consisting of 100-400 billion stars. All those billions of stars millions of times larger than the sun that's thousands of times larger than the earth I can barely stand, and then there's me. Lost in something that I once thought would be okay. That I'd be okay.
But what is okay?
It's isn't good but it isn't bad. It's numbness and loss. It isn't contempt it isn't love. It's nothingness. It's obscurity.
Obscurity-
[uh b-skyoo r-i-tee]
The condition of being unknown.
Contempt-
[kuh n-tempt]
The feeling with which a person regards anything considered mean, vile, or worthless; disdain; scorn.
Love-
[luhv]
Who fucking knows.
Love is pain. Irreconcilable pain. It never goes away. It doesn't mean you don't hate our despise whoever you love, or loved once. It never goes away. Even if they hurt you.
Writing is supposed to be an extension of yourself. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. It is what some people including myself use as escape, whether we love it or need it or crave it.
Writing is like therapy- but not the type of therapy where your parents are making you go and you bullshit your way through it- the type where you rant until you can't breathe. Or you cry. Either/Or. The type where you feel absolutely crazy in the car on the way home as your realize that you just said that shit out loud.
That is why I'm on this site. To share my crazy. See who else is as crazy as I am. But when people don't comment or vote or let me know that they're there feeling the same thing or at least understanding- I just feel crazy. And maybe I am.
See when you have depression, that hole in your heart, emptiness in your chest never goes away. I'm sure a lot of you know what I'm talking about. Maybe it lessens for a little bit but it never goes away. When you guys tell me you're there it makes me so happy- you don't understand how happy it make me. It's almost impossible. A little insane.
But who isn't insane.
This authors note is pointless and long, but I'm in agony, an odd empty agony and I need you- whoever's out there. Please tell me you're there. Please tell me I'm not crazy.
What is love?- Jxx
YOU ARE READING
Nameless // h.s. au
FanfictionA story where a boy on a train meets a girl running from the past. But we're all running from something right? To Hunter- that jackass on the subway-now controls the future she's so desperate to find and digs up the past she wants more than anythin...
