Your signs in astrology

The signs as old people

Aries: the old man always telling stories about when they were the star of their high school/college sports team/in the war; always wears a military hat or holding a sports ball
Taurus: the kindly grandmother who constantly bakes and everything is delicious, but also needlepoints cushions with cuss words on them
Gemini: the old man and his best friend for decades who are always telling jokes and making fun of everyone else; makes up lots of wildly exaggerated "when I was YOUR age" stories that obviously never happened just to annoy Scorpio and confuse the kids
Cancer: the grandma who begs you to stay just a little longer; she'll bake you more cookies, pour you more tea or lemonade, crochet you another blanket...and calls constantly
Leo: J.K. Rowling's relative that Gilderoy Lockhart was based on
Virgo: the lady always cleaning and asking about your problems, then giving really good advice
Libra: the woman who speaks often and fondly of her many ex- and late husbands; shows you pictures of when they were younger and he was "quite the lady killer" and she was "where you got your good looks from"
Scorpio: the guy always saying "when I was YOUR age" and "back in MY day" even though things really weren't that different; every story they tell has a moral about suffering
Sagittarius: the crazy uncle who gets drunk at every social gathering and takes his shirt off and makes loud, inappropriate comments and jokes, but no matter how much everyone always complains about him, they always invite him anyway (and retell his stories fondly)
Capricorn: laments the business they could've started and how dare that new, young CEO have forced them to retire after they worked for that company for 40 years; maybe they'll start their own company now, that'd show 'em...
Aquarius: talks for hours about how kids these days don't know the MEANING of the word 'protest'. Back in their day, they hiked cross-country with their picket signs, chanting until their voices grew hoarse and their feet were black and blue; never giving up; standing outside the capitol in heat, wind, rain or snow; doing whatever drugs they wanted and having lots of sex and burning bras and CHANGING THINGS and...but their stories are actually interesting, so you still listen
Pisces: is so happy you came to visit that they'll talk about whatever you want, do whatever you want, and always look a little sad when you say goodbye but try to smile and wave anyhow