Impossible - James Arthur fanfiction

Chapter Four

My phone vibrates for like the thousandth time today. I finally give in – I’ll go on Twitter for Christ sake!

I haven’t looked at my phone since this morning, when Sophie texted me telling me that a website had posted my twitter URL, and that people were sending me tonnes of hate. I read a few of the messages, and let’s just say that they weren’t very nice. I’m not an overly confident person anyway, I just pretend to be. It’s easier to pretend to be confident, then to admit to how I really feel. That’s just the type of person I am though – I can’t help it. I act confident, because why would boys like a loser like me? When I was younger, I got bullied for being quiet, so during high school, I thought fuck it, and decided to change myself and my image completely. No longer would I be shy, ugly, nerdy Holly. I started wearing make-up, changed my wardrobe completely, and began acting confident. This only made the bullying worse for a couple of years, because I guess they thought that I could take it, but I went home every night and cried myself to sleep, and sometimes even self harmed. I haven’t slit my wrists in over a year, and I’m really proud of myself, but that’s only because I moved to a college really far away, and deleted practically everyone off my Facebook friends list. I started afresh, and I’ve tried not to look back since.

As I scroll through my Twitter mentions, however, it all comes back – they’re saying exactly what everyone used to say. They’re calling me fat, useless, a pathetic waste of space, and I seriously don’t think I can go through all of this again. I hear my phone vibrate – it’s probably just another Twitter mention telling me how worthless I am. I decide to ignore it, and head into my en-suite bathroom.

Staring at my reflection, I realise what they all mean. They have a point – I’m not the skinniest, nor the prettiest, and I’m not exactly the most intellectual person either. I’d forgotten about these things in the past year. I’d pushed them to the back of my mind and recreated myself, but now they’re all coming back. The misery, all of the horrible thoughts...

“They’re right.” I whisper, and my eyes instantly begin to dart around the room, searching for a razor blade. I used to hide them under the sink, but then my mum found them, and just thought I was being a hoarder, so I of course, had to laugh it off with her and pretend that was the truth. She’s too naive to think anything else.

After searching for less than a minute, I manage to find one, carefully hidden at the back. I don’t even remember ever putting one there to be honest, but I don’t really care. I pick it up and begin to bring it closer to my wrist. It glistens slightly, even thought the room is in complete darkness. Running a hand through my hair, I take a deep breath, and the razor is literally an inch away from my wrist, when something suddenly overcomes me.

“NO!” I scream, and chuck the razor directly towards the shower.

Surprised that I actually had the self restrain to stop myself from doing it, I sit in shock for a few minutes. I run a hand through my hair and let out a loud sigh, and before I know it, the tears are streaming down my face. I’m such an idiot; I can’t believe how weak I am. I know they’re right, but I’ve spoken to people online, and managed to overcome my self harming – I will not go back down that road again! They may be speaking the truth, but I seriously can’t let myself get to such a low point again, it might mean me losing James, and myself, forever.

“Holly?!” I hear a familiar voice shout, and it takes me less than a second to figure out who it is – James. Shit. I can’t let him see me like this!

I crawl around, in search of a towel to wipe my face with, seeing as I’m out of toilet roll – knew I should’ve got off my lazy arse before and got some from the basement! Of course, the one time I’m actually in desperate need of a towel, there isn’t one, so I have nothing to wipe my face with, other than my arms, seeing as I’m wearing a sleeveless top. I shrug, and drag my arm across my eyes, hoping to wipe away my tears, but it just smudges my make-up, and covers my arm in mascara and eyeliner. Terrific.

“Holly, are you up here?” I hear James ask, and realise that he’s now in my bedroom. I don’t reply, I decide to instead, curl up in a ball, and try to block him out. It’s the most ridiculous and childlike thing ever, I know, but I seriously don’t know what else to do right now.

“Holly?” I hear James whisper, and he suddenly stops upon seeing me. “What’s wrong?!” he asks, and instantly darts across the room, to where I’m curled up in a ball.

“Nothing.” I mumble, and stop rocking back and forth.

“Obviously it is, I’m not blind.” He replies, but I just ignore him, and repeat their words in my head. Ugly, fat, useless... “Wait a second! Is this about Twitter?” James asks me, but I don’t reply, I just continue staring at the floor, watching my tears leave slight marks on it.

A silence fills the room, and all that can be heard is the sound of James typing on his iPhone. He’s probably calling his manager to pick him up or something, and then I’ll end up never seeing him again.

“They’re wrong, Hol. They’re saying those things out of pure jealousy, probably because of how beautiful and perfect you are.” He tells me, and I can feel him staring at me, but I just can’t bring myself to look him in the eyes. He’s seen how weak I am, and now I feel really pathetic. I’ve never let anyone see me like this, and I don’t know how to react to what he’s just said either. I mean, no-one’s ever called me beautiful or perfect. Probably because I’m not, so why does James think I am?

“I’m not.” I finally reply after a few minutes, and let out a loud sigh. Out of the corner of my eye, I see James shake his head, and watch as he puts one of his fingers under my chin, making me turn towards him.

“Yes, you are. Don’t argue with me young lady.” He says, making me actually smile for the first time today. He simply hands me his phone, and stares at me as I squint my eyes, trying to make out what it says, through my tear-filled eyes.

It’s a tweet, on James’ account.

You guys have absolutely disgusted me today! I can’t believe the things that some of you have said to Holly, she’s perfect and doesn’t need to change. Don’t like her? Don’t care! Leave Holly alone! #NOLOVE

I smirk after reading it.

“No love?” I smile, making him chuckle.

“Mm, it’ll annoy some of the fans, so hopefully the message will get across.” He tells me, so I nod, and begin to wipe my eyes. “Look Holly, it seriously is just jealousy, please don’t change for them – you’re perfect to me, and I don’t want to lose you. This probably sounds stupid because I haven’t known you long, but you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time, except for the X Factor of course. You mean a lot to me, so please don’t do anything stupid, okay?” he says, so I slowly nod, and watch as he opens his arms to embrace me. “Good.” He smiles, and squeezes me tightly, almost as if he never wants to let go.

I don’t know how long we sat like that for, but it was comfortable. I was happy, James had made me feel better about myself, and I’m shocked that he actually cares. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met, and hopefully, with him in my life, my anxiety will slowly begin to disappear. 

(A/N): Sorry I haven't updated in like forever! I've been sooo busy with my birthday, concerts and other stuff! I promise I'll start updating more regularly! Thank-you for reading and if you loved it then please vote <3 #LOVE