Saving the Blacks

Chapter 28

Carina

It takes longer to assure everyone that I am fine and just needed some time to myself. I am thankful Rodolphus didn't tell them where they had found me. I have a feeling some don't believe me, and I am just thankful no one is pushing. I can't deal with it after my blow up at Rabastan. I know he was just worried, but it feels like everyone expects me to be getting better. I can't change the way my mind works. I was so sure things would be different this time around, but I should have known better. Attachment leads to weakness.

~

The last week I have been running on autopilot. While I was able to play the part at the ball all I could do was wish I was anywhere else. I haven't been alone with Rabastan since the fight, and I don't know what to say to him anymore. I can't help the voice that says if I would have caused the same divide with Theo, he would have never died because of me. With everything else I don't know how much more I can take.

Bellatrix comes over for our weekly training and I dodge her questions as I prepare for the duel. I take my stance and attempt to focus. Sleep hasn't been easy and unless I want to up my dose of dreamless sleep I am stuck with the nightmares. Last thing I need is to overdose. It has gotten so bad that even the pepper up potion is no longer helping. The duel begins slow, but it doesn't last long to heat up. Bellatrix has made great improvement and was becoming true competition. As I am hit in my firing arm with a hex, I lose myself for a moment.

"What the hell Carina!" Bellatrix shouts and my eyes go wide.

"I am so sorry." I say as I try to calm my panic. I could have hurt her. I can't believe I just reacted.

"What is going on with you?" She asks.

"Nothing, just tired."

"You can fool everyone else, but I know better. You don't have to tell me what is wrong but don't lie." She says and I look at her for a moment before sighing.

"Fine, I'm not ok, but it is nothing anyone can fix. Better?"

"Yes, I don't want to fix you Carina, but I do want you as my friend. While I pray I never understand what you went through, I know what it feels like to hold the weight of keeping people safe." She says. I look at her confused and she motions for me to take a seat. "I am the oldest in the ancient house of Black. Yeah, they were never as abusive as what Sirius went through, but punishments were real. I know what it is like to stay up all night worried you didn't do enough to keep someone you love out of danger. To instinctually take a step in front of them because you can handle it but they shouldn't have to. To take a punishment then turn around and have to act like nothing is wrong because the thought of someone thinking you are weak is too much. I will never forget the absolute fear when Andromeda went to Hogwarts because I feared she wouldn't make Slytherin. I spent that whole summer planning ways to protect her from my parents and family. How I could convince them that it was a good thing, and that it only grew our power. You don't realize the change you have already caused. Yeah, it isn't saving the world, but it still matters." She says. I hadn't realized, there was so little on what they went through before joining Voldemort.

"I am terrified I'm not enough." I admit looking down at my hands. If she could be so open, I could give her that.

"That is why you have us. Fate chose to send you back here, gave you a whole family who will stand beside you. Gave you a mate who would burn the world down for you. Don't dismiss that."

"And when someone gets hurt?" It hurts to even think about Rabastan. The bond still calls to him, but I feel the strain.

"Then that is the fault of who hurt them, not yours. You're not a one witch army, you have people who want to stand beside you, not behind you."

"I can't help it. It is like my mind is broken, one minute I am fine and the next I am watching everyone die all over again. All I can think about is there is a threat and I'm not doing enough to end it."

"Let me ask you one thing, if it had been me that came back. Would you be willing to sit on the sidelines while I changed things?" She says and I groan knowing the answer.

"No, I would want to be there."

"Exactly, we aren't weak. Don't treat us like we are. Don't treat Rabastan like he isn't strong enough to stand with you."

"I never thought he wasn't." I say shaking my head.

"But your actions show it. I'm not asking that you pour your heart to me, or you allow someone else to take charge, but I am saying you need to actually talk to him. You want us to just sit in silence while you process everything then that is what we will do." She says and I know she is right. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't keep going on alone.

"Fine, I will talk to him." I say and she smiles.

"Good, me and Rodolphus are heading out for a while and so you can talk to him alone." She says standing. Well, I wasn't thinking right now but I can't think of an excuse to keep pushing it off.

Bellatrix

I watch as she tells Walburga where she will be. I couldn't risk her skipping out on this. She might think she is hiding her issues, but we all saw it. Everyone else might be willing to blow it off but I am tired of watching her struggle. I had made a promise to be there for her and I refuse to go back on my word. I just wish she could truly see the change she has already caused. Narcissa went from stepping back and allowing others to take control to demanding to be heard. Andromeda is making friends outside of Slytherin without fear of punishment. She had given our family something to rally around and made us better for it. I would no longer fear the letter that said Sirius made Gryffindor. I would be able to tell him how proud I am for him not following tradition but following his heart. Regulus would never have to suffer in silence for something he can't control. I know she doesn't think it is enough, but it means the world to me that I can talk at the family gatherings without fear of saying the wrong thing.

We arrive at the Lestrange manor, and I smile as Rodolphus meets us. He looks surprised to see Carina with me but recovers quickly.

"I figured her and Rabastan could hang out here while we went out." I say. He catches my meaning and quickly calls for an elf to go get him. I know he has been worried about Rabastan since the day they found her. Rabastan refused to tell anyone what happened after Rodolphus, and Antonin left. Rodolphus said he got home after talking to Antonin about his meeting with Voldemort to see Rabastan in his room. We know it had to have been bad and I hope they can work it out.

When Rabastan walks in he freezes at the sight of her, and I can feel the tension between them. I nudge Rodolphus for us to leave. They needed to talk and didn't need us watching. We floo to Diagon Alley and he turns to me.

"How did you get her to talk to him? I have tried to talk him into going to see her, but he refused."

"We had a heart to heart after she almost hurt me during our training. She didn't say what happened and we can only hope they work it out." I tell him.

"We can only hope. Antonin wants to talk to her about what happened before we got there, and I don't know how much longer I can push it off."

"We will get it figured out. One meeting doesn't mean he is joining." I say but I can still see his worry. Him and Antonin had been friends since they were little, and I didn't want him to have to lose him.