#disappear

chapter 2 - whats wrong with me?

what's wrong with me?
why can't i ever do anything right?
why am i so dumb sometimes?
questions, questions i ask myself every single goddam day.
i hate waking up.
that sounds so depressing but i genuinely hate waking up.
nobody knows this about me.
weird isn't it?
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every night i stare at my cream coloured ceiling and laugh.
laugh because i think my life is funny.
laugh so hard.
laugh until i cry.
cry until i fall asleep.
maybe not every night, most nights though.
pathetic isn't it?
sleep is fascinating. i know that is so random but i feel safe when i'm asleep.
i can be totally "lights on but nobody's home" while dreaming of a bunch of weird trippy shit.
i like the thought of that.
i wonder why we need sleep though.
oh how i wish to know the answer.
yeah, sure, i'll take the "sleep is for energy!" answer, but it's still a boring one. not very interesting!
i'm different, i know i'm different. i'm not like other people, other girls.
i like girls. i mean i really like girls.
i could kiss them.
if i seen a pretty, kind girl i would like to kiss her.
but i know not to show my feelings anymore, look where liking a girl got me.
i think boys are cute too.
i want a girlfriend. that's my new goal in life:
to not die alone.
good plan brooke!
fuck off brooke.
i've never told anybody that, don't tell a soul.

i have one friend in school.
polly, such a weird name.
i'm not one to judge though.
anyway, she's really loud and kind and she takes me shopping even when i don't want to.
she is friendly and helpful. she doesn't shut up though.
i still find her cool though, she's friends with lots of people. she's popular but she hangs with me whenever she can. that means a lot but makes me overthink.
i try not to overthink.
why does some popular girl hang around with a weirdo like me?
i can't tell if she's exactly like me but masks it or she's totally opposite to me.
she's super into religion which makes me ask myself,
why don't i believe in god?
simple answer; science!
the big bang, planets going ski-whiff, you know what i mean, they all talk about it in tv shows and teach you it in school.
how is it that one person made the entire world and is made out to be so amazing and good, yet he took away my best friend, made me hate myself, makes my mum suffer?
it's bullshit.
i don't like to talk about it but since i've mentioned it, i may as well give you some background info.
my best friend who died was called jack heathe, he was my lab partner in science. he stuck up for me. he wasn't exactly my best friend but we were close.
he wasn't exactly the role model.
he introduced me to lots of stuff; nicotine, how to roll (not that i ever would smoke weed) and stealing.
he was a really bad influence on me but i loved him.
there was this one time.
i got battered in some field late at night, maisie sent a fake message telling me to meet her in some park, i went, got battered, and somehow jack found out where i was and came to help me. he knocked maisie out which was hilarious.
he really was cool.
however, underneath all that bad boy act, he was just a lonely kid.
he killed himself, i found out 2 days after he was reported dead.
i miss him. but there's nothing i can do to bring him back.
for now i'll just have to put up with polly.
ughhhh