Yoongi's Little Sister

Thoughts

I manage to pick up the broken pieces of myself and get myself out of that horrific house party. I push past everyone, the best way I can describe it is like a scene out of a movie, where the vision is blurred, you don't see anyone. You can't see anyone. My vision is foggy, cloudy, just like my mind. I feel like I'm being suffocated. It's as if all the emotions, the senses that I blocked out and suppressed and swallow down within me are suddenly bubbling up and are stuck in my throat like a lump. I can't get out of here fast enough. 

I gasp. I take a long breath of fresh autumn air when I finally reach outside. I bend over and place my hands on my knees, it feels like I'm going to be sick, but I force myself not to. I sit on the steps outside leading to the house. You can hear the party from here. So I let my tears out. No one will hear me. No one even cares. I let it all out. I thought I was numb and that I died in that room. My soul died in that room. But here I am, still full of emotion. Someone walks past me, "Rough night?" he chuckles and doesn't even bother asking how I am. I look at him with my lifeless, red eyes. He looks down at me and scoffs. This is the moment I realised I hate men. Not in that room, but here. Because here, is when I realised they're all the same.  

I somehow get up, and drag my feet to walk away. I walk into the darkness, with some cars passing by here and there, their lights burning my retinas. The moonlight lit the path of the pavement I'm walking on, but it no longer glistens in the night sky the way it used to. This same moon that I've spent hours upon hours watching, thinking how I would do just about anything, to step foot on the moon, is no longer the same moon. I don't find solace in the moon as I used to. I don't find peace and comfort in the stars like I used to. It feels as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest. He took it. He took it all. I put my hands on my head, inhale and exhaling trying to calm myself down, when I hear a ping from my bag. I take out my phone and read the text, "Hey, we'll be home sooner than we thought. See you tomorrow." If my life wasn't going to hell already, now I have to fake it in front of my own brother. We haven't spent so long to know and read each others facial expressions well, but Yoongi is smart. He will be able to read me and know something's up. I don't bother messaging Kat. To hell with her. Normally I'd blame myself for getting myself into this mess. This isn't even comparable to mess. This is pain and torture. I look down at my feet to figure out how I am going to get home. Before, I'd look at the night sky, and wish and think upon the moon and the stars. I see nothing significant in the night anymore. It was just my mind that made something plain and simple appear so magical. But it's all just darkness. That's when I notice it. Dry blood stuck to my inner thigh. I knew where it was coming from. I have all these thoughts racing through my head, never-ending. It's like a file I need to sort through, go through each thought before I drive myself crazy. Thoughts overlapping thoughts. The 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens' and 'what the hell do I do now'.  But first, I know I need to get myself home. I have the Uber app on my phone, and remember our address. Next thing I know I'm sitting in a random guy's Uber. I feel unsafe, and on edge. The familiar feeling of suffocation meets me again. I roll down the windows.  Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? The second we reach our street, I roll the window back up, grab my bag and immediately hop out the car once we are at our house. I don't bother thanking him. He's a man. The male species do not deserved to be thanked. For anything. And that's when it dawns on me. I live in a house with 7 men. I trusted these 7 men. But can I now? The male species are capable of anything. They can switch. All because of being XY and not XX. I will need to figure this all out. 

I reach the inside of the house. I sigh, a deep sigh. And that's when the tears start again. I slide down the living room wall, hitting the floor, my head in my knees, screaming my unspoken thoughts. Begging for this night to start again. Wishing I could change my decisions. Wishing I really did stay home and watch a movie. Wishing I never got involved with Kat. I am always one decision away from totally changing my life. Approximately 4 hours ago, I changed my entire life, with one stupid decision, and getting involved with the wrong people. I drag myself to my room, tears still streaming down my face. I'd have a shower. I feel dirty. He has touched me. A man has touched my skin and pierced my soul. A man stole what I had, and left me. I have blood down my leg. I should shower. But that's when it hits me. Do I take this to court? Do I report him? I don't know anything about him. Never mind me, what about BTS and the scandals. I can't do this to them. I'm defending men. I'm ridiculous. All I do is think of others and never myself.  I sit on the shower floor, not having the energy to stand. I scrub myself so hard I bleed in some parts. I feel disgusting. I cry. I get into bed, I cry some more. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to think. I don't want to cry. I don't want to live. I want to die. 

I wake to taps on my door. I quickly pretend to be asleep. It took me a few minutes to fully wake up and realise what happened to me last night, and suddenly the empty feeling returns along with the thoughts. My door opens and I hear footsteps walk towards my bed. I assume it's Yoongi as I can smell his familiar scent. Expensive cologne.  Kind of smells like Oud, it smells sweet and warm. The complete opposite of that man's scent that invaded me last night. I must be frowning in my 'sleep' due to the memories of last night because Yoongi starts speaking to me. "Are you having a bad dream?". He whispers softly whilst stroking my cheek, rubbing his thumb in circles and brushing my hair away from my face. I don't respond as I'm meant to be fake sleeping, but I stop frowning. I know he wants me awake, and wants to speak to me. That's when I realise, my dress is on my bedroom floor. I could lie and say I just wanted to try on a new dress that I bought. But I'm awful at lying. I hope he doesn't notice it. "Y/N, please wake up. I have a lot I want to tell you". He whispers again. His voice is so soft. It's hard to believe that this is a man. I find my hatred of men seeping away when Yoongi speaks. But I remind myself of what happened and find myself disgusted that I'm even letting him touch my skin. I don't want to be touched again. Especially not by a male. I react in disgust, flinch and sit up, backing away from him. I didn't even realise I did it. But I open my eyes and move away from him, scared. He must see it in my eyes as he seems concerned. I fucked up. "Y/N? It's me. It was just a dream, it's just me. It's Yoongi." He puts his hand on my leg. That's the worst part, I know it's him. How do I trust you Yoongi? How am I meant live with you? My thoughts are eating me alive. I realise that I've just been staring at him, not said a single word, just thinking to myself. I put my head in my hands and cry. "Y/N." His voice stern and firm. I recognise this tone. It's his worried tone. He knows somethings up. And now he won't leave until I confess. I shake my head, still in my hands. Not wanting to look at him. Not wanting to face the world. This is day one of learning how to live. It's going to be a long journey.