Yoongi's Little Sister

Alive

It's funny how life works. It's funny really, how one day, your day is going just the way you want it to, and then by nightfall, things take a turn, and the next thing you know, tomorrow is either going to be the best day of your life, or your biggest regret. I've never had a major regret in life. There are the odd things I regret or wish I tried harder in, but now I realise the choice I made that night, was and probably forever will be, my life's biggest regret. 

I blame myself for a lot of things, and think I deserve some of the things that have happened to me. Granted, I've had a pretty happy life, everyone has their ups and downs in life. And if I'm being honest, I feel I overthink the downs in my life way more than what they actually are. They probably aren't even that bad. But the brain is a crazy labyrinth. I believe my brain is my own enemy. The villain behind this, is the hormone cortisol, home to the hypothalamus. I feel that my hypothalamus is impaired. It's meant to balance my hormones and maintain homeostasis. Instead, it does the complete opposite. In fact, the constant release of cortisol can cause burnout and fatigue. My hypothalamus will be the death of me. I honestly think with the amount of overthinking I do, I burn approximately 2000 calories a day. The average person burns about 320 calories in a day by thinking, now imagine what overthinking does to a person. Unfortunately, I love my food. So no, I do not look like Kendall Jenner or Bella Hadid. 

But a girl can dream.  (or not, cos every body is perfect in its own way)

I sometimes justify my overthinking by recognising that the human brain is an incredible pattern-matching machine; my own brain has the ability to identify patterns, and then figure out in a logical way what that specific pattern depicts and what the next move will be after that pattern. This is the same as life scenarios. I am somewhat thankful that my own brain, somehow tries to come up with a million and one different possibilities of what the next move in my life will be. What my next decision should be. After all, we are always one decision away from either making or breaking our lives and changing it entirely. I find comfort in the fact that my brain doesn't work the same as others. It is constantly on overdrive, my thoughts like burning stars I can't fathom into constellations. Constantly thinking about things way ahead. It isn't healthy, no. In fact, this can be an extreme and be diagnosed as Apophenia. I don't think I am this extreme, however I'd be slightly grateful if my brain powered down a bit less in the hypothalamus region, and powered more in the Limbic system, i.e - less emotional. I can be a train wreck, I don't like being emotional in public but I have accepted that it's just who I am. 

Emotions. They're a tricky one. I have full respect for anyone that is able to master the skill of emotional intelligence. I find that emotions can be the next villain in the human body. If you give into your emotions every time, you end up losing yourself. Being able to control my emotions is something I need to work on, because ultimately, the body follows the mind. On the other hand, it is important to understand that unexpressed emotions never die. They're just buried deep inside until they erupt like a cruel volcano, the lava burning anything in its path. The lava representing my emotions burning bridges with people around me. This is why I respect emotionally intelligent people. It's a difficult skill to hone. 

But if being emotional means loving and caring loudly then I will continue to do so, as it is unbearably painful for my soul to live and love in silence.  

I was asked the other day if someone I knew was smart. I responded by saying no one I've ever came across is actually dumb. Everyone is smart and intellectual in their own way. I have met someone who was so smart in IT, they could hack the school system at the age of 15 - they did, and got expelled for like three days. I've met someone who was so incredibly kind, and always put others before themselves, even if they were only surviving and not living. They could carry mountains if they had to. That to me, is another form of smart. I've met someone who was so passionate about space, they could explain to me the wonders of the universe in a form where I'd forget time exists. Time is a dimension. But this is a subject for another day. Wonder is birthed from curiosity, and it's this same wonder which sparks the desire to understand in mankind. I have met someone who made everything beautiful, everything about them was made of soul. To me, that is another form of intellectual capacity. I think you know the gist of what I'm getting at.