her musings - poetry

an autumn night

an autumn night,
and i am writing a poem about
unrequited love.
let me start with my verdict:
this ache that no movie
or book tells you how to live with
is an anticipated punishment.

because didn't i let my ego soar?
narcissism still tempts
in times of self-hatred
just like how we choose to love
even when we hate,
because there are too many broken
souls. we are broken souls that
crave love so much
we concoct and create.

didn't i let you
enter my dreams?
the poison of my imagination
was delicious to swallow
it was so liberating
to wander in a land where
i shaped the narrative
where i drove
the fateful course
of the river coursing through
two people
that make them
one.

didn't i flatter myself in
imagining one of these times
you will catch my eyes
lingering on you?
like wallpaper being peeled off
they hang on, sticky and tenacious
until the very last second—

i don't understand
i thought i had lost the ability
to be enamoured of someone
oh but it came so easily
and it was vanity
vanity and arrogance
and despair
that did it
they bound to you
an unsolicited lover,
who has dug too far to reach
the surface, so can only
sink further into the
unforgiving earth
returning to an innate
yearning

we all hold
to fill a void
mine is in the shape of you
i am aware you are not the vessel
the answering of my prayers
yet you are all i ever pray for
and this is the price i am
willing to pay

autumn, you beautiful soul
won't you shower me
in leaves that throw themselves
to the earth as i do,
withered and whispering?
let me know i am not alone
in my pining
for something solid
anything to
bury ourselves into?