her musings - poetry

oyster

i am walking on the pavement with
a girl. she came up to me in class
we live on the same street, coincidentally
we are talking and we are laughing
who is she? tonight i cannot sleep so i
cannot dream but in the darkness i draw
images i don't dare draw when light is
bright. but then it melts, flashing across my
eyes. it burns. she is lost and i am jolted

out of the disguise of darkness
this petty bitterness is a rebellion
the fire is choking me swallowing me
whole. i am in its belly and i am tossed around
in empty space, except it is not empty and i
thrash against the other fears it has devoured
like how this girl is not reality reality is
swarming disappointment at myself
because i cannot hold eye contact or

conversation
what i can do is switch seamlessly between
versions of me. yet i despise them all
i despise my jealousy, my worst vice
i despise everyone, eternally evasive
no, i am sorry, i do not resent you
i am craving the taste of good things that
come unspoken: love, touch, sitting together
won't you see i am trying?

the words are being tossed around in my
mouth, they're bouncing off my gums,
my teeth, squeezed like a rag, dehydrating
them, skinning them into tiny shreds of
syllables that clump together, hard to swallow.
but i choke them back down anyway
or maybe they slide down smoothly
either way they will not come back unless i
vomit them out, and vomiting is never fun

isn't it a pity i become an oyster, sealed shut, impenetrable? the pearl is in there i swear
use your strength, prise my jaw open
i give you my permission
let them out or they will be reflecting off
every cell in my body tormenting me
for eternity. go on, don't be afraid
words don't bite, unless it's me.
they are addicted to drawing my blood

and my blood only. be assured of your
safety, i will be your shield.
watch out now, all of me is spilling out
to cling onto the nearest person that feels like
home.