Truth is, when I began telling you my story, I hadn't planned anything. I didn't plan to experience anything. I didn't plan for you to go through all the pain and all the suffering I went through. I guess I owe you an apology, but I'm even more apologetic to say that I can't give you that. I can't forgive anyone until I forgive myself, if I can't forgive myself, how do I expect you to forgive me? I can't. So, I'm not going to apologize until I can forgive.
The other reason is because as you are reading, I am on a quest to die. This whole experience for you and for me is a learning one. I learn how to tell my story without crying, I learn how to tell my story to teach everyone else. I meant for this story to teach you something because this is exactly what I wanted to teach the children I was supposed to have when I'm older. The lesson is that sometimes everything can go right or wrong. Everything can go one way or the other, but it's not going to be like that for the rest of your life. You see, it doesn't matter how many bad events somebody goes through, or how many good things we go through, what matters is the outcome. You can have your family murdered by the world and have a loving boyfriend, and you still want to kill yourself. You're not being ungrateful, it's the weight of them. In this situation the good is worth one and the bad is worth four, four is greater than one. Or, if you prefer -4 +1 = -3, the negative has more weight than the positive. It could've happened all at once, but sometimes, it just isn't enough.
We say that one person can save us, but it actually isn't always true. In the scenario, there was one person, but it didn't save anybody, but let's say instead of one, it was two. It would become -4 +2 = -2. In that scenario, all you needed was one person to make it even, right? Maybe then that somebody wouldn't kill themselves, right? It's not the amount of good and the amount of bad, but the worth of them, the weight.
My life has been a never ending tunnel of despair with a few torches and a few water bottles. My life is around 20 million miles and every hundred miles, there's one torch and one water bottles. I used to say that the torches lasted forever, but they don't. They run out of wood or battery to burn. Sometimes, I run too fast and the blow out. The water bottles, are just more transient. In my life, there are 20,000 of both. Good things come in 1% of my life and that's not fair, but back then, I thought of the amount. Maybe the water bottles would last 5 miles and the torches would last a thousand, but now they've stopped. I've tricked myself for so long thinking I'd see another set soon, but I've ran 200 miles and I've come to the end of the tunnel and it was a dead end. The light was a torch, and a water bottle. My last pair. I knew what they were. The torch was my future and the water bottle was Oxford.
The tunnel changes all the time. It's not one strict line of events made up of cause and effect, it's like time. The Doctor says it's just a blob. A wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey blob. And my tunnel is just like that. The slightest thing can change it.
I was at my house with Jeremy. A boy whom I loved, but now it has come to an end. I never wanted it to end. Never. I saved my torch from two thousand miles back and it was about to run out. It was running short and beginning to burn me.
"Jeremy," I said, looking up at him as he sat on the single chair beside the couch. He looked up at me. "...was it worth it? Cheating on me?" I asked. He sighed. "Was Jacey worth it?"
"Don't make me answer that, Anne." He begged, softly. I looked away. "Anne,"
"Please, Jeremy." I pleaded. "I'm tired." I admitted. "I'm tired of being lied to. I'm tired of trying to forgive and forget something when I don't know what I'm doing it for."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"Because it'll hurt you."
"Why?"
"Just trust me."
"Why?" I asked him, emphasizing the question. I looked at him. I didn't know if I could trust him anymore if I don't even know what he did wrong. "Are you mad at me? Is that it?"
