Hi.
I'm Anne Steele. My friends call me Anne... Well, they would... if I had any. I'm usually called dumb, whore, bitch... And the silly thing is I don't understand why they call me these things. What, is it because I'm blonde? Is it because I'm tall? Is it because I'm different. Well, the thing is...
I believe them.
But I don't let them think I do... I make them think I'm strong and smart and everything I'm...
I don't know.
I don't.
I don't get it anymore. I was so good. So good at lying. So good a pretending I was... Okay.
But it's like I'm slowly breaking, disintegrating. I can't... I don't want to lie anymore, but at the same time, I can't stop. I don't want people to be worried about me. And if I tell someone... they'll just think I'm weird, over-reacting, or, you know, an attention-seeker. But I'm not. It's the truth.
And if they do, believe me, they'll just say all the things I'm tired of people saying like Stay strong or it'll get better. Thing is, I'm tired of waiting. I don't want it to get better. I want it to already be better. But nothing's happening! I don't need it to get better!
I want it to already be better! I need it to be because I can't keep pretending. I mean...
What's the point?
What's the point of living if you'll just be faced with worse? What's the point? Huh? I need it to be better now! But it's not...
I'm tired of giving chances. I'm tired of things not changing. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of being lied to. I'm tired of people saying all these cliche things. I'm tired of people making fun of me. I'm... I'm...
I'm tired.
I'm not okay.
I won't be for a long time.
People say I should talk to someone... well, people on Tumblr do. And I do! I talk to my dad but it's just that... he's never home anymore...
And my mom?
She won't listen! She's one of the reasons why I am the way I am! Heck, she isn't even my mom anymore. Now that I think about it, she never was! She was never there for me. I mean sure, physically, she was, but really? She never really encouraged me to do anything I wanted. She only encouraged me to do things she wanted. And when I do things differently, when I do things I want to do... she's not there for me...
She drinks... a lot. And it hurts... a lot. Because it makes me feel like... when she won't listen, when she doesn't care it makes me feel like... I'm not important.
That I'm a mess up. A mistake.
And maybe I am.
And school? Everyone... hates me.
Nobody's there for me. Whenever I make new friends, they leave. And I'm just...
Why do people keep doing this to me?
Why do they keep hurting me? My two best friends moved away and we're not in touch. My friend actually got me sick... literally. I was sent home from school because of her. Then, as if that wasn't enough, she threw a class party when I thought I was okay again and she invited everyone...
Except me and my friends.
So, my friends left me, too.
And I was bullied ever since I got in that school! They told me I was worthless, and how I didn't deserve anything, and how...
And the worst thing is I believed them.
To the point where my mom listened. And finally got me out.
Then I made three new friends.
And one of them became friends with a bully and made fun of me. And the other... At least one of them stayed...
But it's not the same.
My old group of friends don't really talk to me anymore. Not much anyways... so... I started to cut myself.
I cut with a blade I got from a sharpener. To the point where I could see my vein, but haven't cut it.
When my dad found out, he freaked and brought me to all these psychiatrists but...
It's only a session then I never see them again. It makes me think that I'm not worth the money of treatment. He thinks it can go away with one session, but it doesn't. It really...
It hurts.
He thinks I stopped cutting, but I haven't. I just changed where I do cut. He doesn't know. Doesn't have a clue. But doesn't he see it?
The way I act?
The way I change?
The way I get so nervous when he...
WHY CAN'T ANYBODY SEE THEM?!
The demons! They're everywhere. They haunt you. In your sleep, beside you... WHY DOESN'T ANYONE HEAR THEM?! Haunting and taunting every second of the day that's all you hear. Them telling you to give up. Them telling me the cold hard truth that I'm not worth it. That I mean nothing. That I have no relevance. That...
That I'm...
That...
That nobody would miss me if I never woke up?
Why doesn't anybody see when I shut down and shut them out? Why don't they press for more information? Why don't they ask further?
Because I don't want to lie.
But I can't just tell them, either. I mean, it's not exactly a good conversation starter, is it?
Hi. I'm Anne Steele. I'm suicidal, depressed and while we're at it, I also have panic disorder and social anxiety... Well, just anxiety in general.
Fantastic.
Is that what people expect me to do?
I'm in a new school now, a better school... But it still gets to me... online, meet-ups, it always finds a way to get back at me.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm reaching out, I am. I really, really am.
But I'm done reaching for something that won't reach back out towards me. I can't do it anymore. I can't do the whole one-sided relationship thing. I can't. I used to be able to but things just keep getting worse and worse all the time.
This... this is my life.
So take a few moments to hear me out.
