I went to Sally's after the multiple thoughts in Madison Square Garden.
Why?
I was buying some hair product. I was going to bleach my hair white.
My hair has grown pretty long since I've cut it in the winter. It was in a very healthy condition, actually. It was like when I dyed it mahogany red, since I was naturally blonde, it didn't really damage my hair as much since I didn't need to lift my hair. My hair was up to mid chest now and since I didn't have much money to spend on my hair, I was going to bleach it myself. It is a risky thing to do, and something is bound to go wrong, but I was pretty prepared for the worst at this point.
Once I got to Sally's, I bought some bleach powder, developer level 30, toner, I got Manic Powder Virgin Snow, a red gold corrector, purple shampoo, a tint brush and hair clips. From there, I took a cab home.
Once I got home, I got the rubber gloves out of the drawers, plastic wrap, a container and then some towels out of the cupboard.
I wasn't used to the eerie silence because usually at this time, Aunt Clara would be cooking dinner for me, but she wasn't anymore and I don't think she will be doing that ever again. I didn't cry. I couldn't feel anymore. It was like I was just a shell. I didn't feel like myself anymore and it was like I couldn't remember who I was. When I brought everything up to my room, I looked around and it was like I didn't even remember everything that happened in my room.
I didn't remember reading or fangirling. I didn't remember obsessing over fictional characters. I don't remember myself doing that. Looking in the mirror, I didn't see myself doing that. It was like I lost all my memories. It was like I remembered it, but I didn't remember myself doing it. It should have felt terrifying, but it didn't. Not anymore.
I changed my t-shirt into an old faded shirt that said "Batman" on it and sat in front of my vanity set.
I didn't see myself anymore. I didn't even see a shell of who I used to be. I saw somebody who failed at everything. I suppose that to some people, they could get used to seeing that, but all I saw when I looked in the mirror was a failure.
I wouldn't tell my younger self that, I'd probably tell her to try her best to be happy. I'd do that because I don't like what I am now. I don't like who I am now because now, I don't know who I am. Not a clue.
I'd tell her to give me a chance.
I sighed and shook the thoughts out of my head.
I put the rough white towel on my shoulders and clipped the top two-thirds of my hair up. I put on the rubber gloves and put a scoop of bleach powder with two scoops of developer into the container just like the instructions said. I also a bit of the red gold corrector in there and mixed it into a paste with the tint brush. I applied it on my ends first, then the middle, then the roots. I put it on section by section, making sure I didn't miss and strands and removed whatever bleach got to my skin.
I put that on all of my hair and then wrapped it in a plastic wrap. I was going to leave it on for fifty minutes and then rinse it out, so whilst waiting I was going to paint.
I stood in front of my old canvas on my easel. I prepared my oil paint and I almost instantly knew what I was going to paint.
I painted free-handedly, so, once I got the picture, I mixed selected colours to make almost a yellowish-white to make bones. I was going to paint part of the torso of the human body.
This particular painting was darker than my other ones which were usually imaginary landscapes, dreamscapes if you will. This one was more romantic and depressing. I made the ribs without and curves. They were sharp and jagged. All the bones were essentially the same; sharp and jagged. I made another shade, slightly darker than the previous one to put a little bit of shadows. I made the background a combination of olive green, brown and a greyish-black with a hint of salmon red.
