Ivy Grows

I Wish it Would Rain.

I woke up the third morning wishing I was anywhere else. In a house so quiet there's only two things to do; think and overthink. I'd went over every possible scenario of what happened that night in my head. On a loop like a broken record. Glimpses of hands and mouths and legs. I hated myself for putting me through that but it's like I couldn't stop. I tried to paint in the garden, staring at a beautiful Northern Cardinal that rested along the white picket fence that was falling over from the weight of ivy and kudzu. The infestation of plants was eating the gate alive.

The painting came to an end when the cardinal I was painting started turning into a long-haired boy with puppy dog eyes until eventually I got angry and splashed red and orange paint on the canvas to wash away my accidental portrait.

Music played again and I wish I could say happy music played from my speakers but it was like the only songs I could think of were sad and in misery. The Temptations made many appearances on my playlist, needless to say.

And as if the skies knew I prayed for it, rain began falling down in small drops until it was full-on pouring from the clouds. I made no effort to move inside. I stood in the garden watching as the reds and oranges mixed as they fell down my canvas to the grass below and eventually on my bare feet. I listened as my bluetooth speaker stopped playing because water had gotten in it and essentially ruined it. I felt my chest rise and fall faster and faster with each passing moment. I was finally going to release it all, I could feel it coming.

Warm tears slid down my flushed cheeks but from the outside, no one would be able to tell I'm crying. The reason I've wished for rain at all.

"Let it all out," I encouraged myself, as cringy as it seemed. I was making a deal with myself that I'd cry now and that'd be it. I'd let mother earth lift it from my shoulders and it'd no longer be something that was putting a dark cloud above me. No longer my problem, but the problem of the universe.

I feel to my knees and already felt mud marking up my skin and it only got worse as I fell backwards onto my back. Mud, grass and rainwater got in my hair, on my clothes and everywhere else but I didn't care. Sobs racked my body as I stared up at the sky but I had trouble seeing anything but a gray fog in the sky.

I lied in the grass for what felt like hours, and to be honest it might've been. I didn't know because I stopped paying attention. I just thought about everything. My life, my mistakes, my broken heart, and most importantly, my future. I wasn't going to stay down and I wouldn't let Sam or Jude have that hold on me.

While there were a lot of things that I could change about me, there were some things I'd decided to accept rather than change.

For example, my inability to be alone. It was something that stemmed from my childhood of always being alone. I spent so many days and nights by myself having no siblings, nor friends (well, not until later), and parents who were there but never there. I wasn't going to fight that anymore because I was just happier when I had someone with me. Didn't really matter who it was. I felt so empty being alone and got stuck in my thoughts way too much. I could do it but I didn't want to.

So, as I stood up and the rain was surprisingly coming to a halt, I looked at the painting in front of me. It had a whole new meaning to me now. Before it was a mistake that had been ruined by my damaged mind, now it felt like something new. Something that was entirely me and entirely separate from my feelings. It felt like the first blank page into a ~let's be honest~ better and stronger me.

I forced myself to go inside, muddy footprints following behind me. I grabbed my phone from the counter and found Josh's contact. Maybe mushrooms would do me some good. Even if I was still mad at him.

The truth is I'd never done mushrooms before and I was curious to try them. I knew I could trust Josh and that he wouldn't put me in a unsafe space. I hesitated as the phone rang though, feeling almost silly for asking. Also not wanting to seem sad and pathetic.

Pretty sure I passed that a while back, though.

"Hello," Josh's voice brought me back to earth.

"Hi," I began, "What are you doing?"

"I am currently sitting on my couch reading The Science of Enlightenment by Shinzen Young. Highly recommend it. Changed my life so far," he slowly said and I could tell he was probably high, "what about you? Still mad at me, little red?"

"No-, well yeah, but it's okay.." I waved him off as if he could see me, "I'm uh-, I'm standing in this airbnb kitchen getting mud everywhere. I was thinking maybe you could come help me clean it."

"You want me to come all the way to Michigan to do chores? If I wanted to do that, I'd just go home..." he laughed, "is that your way of asking me to come?"

"Yeah," I sigh and I hear shuffling on the other end like he's stood up from his couch. I could literally hear his feet slapping the floor as he walked to another room.

"Send the address. I'll be on my way there soon," he spoke again and my eyes widened. I knew he would come but I didn't expect him to leave right that minute.

"Uh-, okay.." I rushed out but he had already hung up. I jumped into action, sending the address to his number before stripping down right there in the kitchen, not wanting to drag mud up the stairs and on the carpet. I throw my clothes in the washer by the bathroom.

I don't really want to clean the floor naked so I grab a robe and get to sweeping and mopping. I felt lighter now that I had something to look forward to. Someone to see. Someone to share all of my irrelevant thoughts with.

I still had anger for Sam and Jude but it no longer weighed on my heart like before. I could probably even see myself maybe, possibly forgiving them eventually. Especially Sam just because he had been in my life for too long for my to cut ties that easily. Plus, Jude wasn't the best friend before this. She hadn't bothered to call or text me again after that one message. I wasn't really surprised though nor did I care. She was pretty much nonexistent to me at this point. It's bizarre how someone who meant so much to me just days ago doesn't affect me at all now. I could never see her again and I think I'd be okay. I'd be better than okay. Good, even.