Allodoxaphobia

21♡

~𝒫𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓈𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇𝑔𝒾𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑔𝓇𝒶𝓂𝓂𝒶𝓇 𝓂𝒾𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒𝓈. 𝐼 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒹 𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝓂𝓎 𝒸𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓈 𝒷𝑒𝒻𝑜𝓇𝑒 𝓅𝑜𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓂 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝒸𝑒 𝒾 𝓃𝑜𝓇𝓂𝒶𝓁𝓁𝓎 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓀 𝑜𝓃 𝓂𝓊𝓁𝓉𝒾𝓅𝓁𝑒 𝓈𝓉𝑜𝓇𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒶𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓈𝒶𝓂𝑒 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒. 𝐼𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓈𝑒𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝓎 𝒯𝓎𝓅𝑜𝓈.... 𝒩𝑜 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝒾𝒹𝓃'𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀𝓈 :) 

3 weeks later. ..

I stood with my hands shaking. the army bomb damn near slipping out of my palm for the fifth time. After my vacation me and my family came back to Korea.  Every now and then Jin would text me and check in with me. 

Although it was never a conversation we had. It seemed to be important for him to relay messages to me each day on how Namjoon was doing. 

I hadn't spoken to him since that day. In fact... i haven't spoken to anyone besides Jin and Yoongi. 

Originally I had blocked them all while on my trip so that i could focus on myself and my family.. you know have a good time and walk into a new chapter of my life. 

It was about 2 days later when i got a call from Jin. I realized then that he wasn't blocked.

i had forgotten to do so. But i decided to answer the call. After me making it clear that i was stepping away from namjoon on the last call. I felt as if Jin was very understanding and handled my decision very well. So if he was calling for any reason at all, even pertaining to namjoon than maybe it was serious. 

so when i picked up expecting the worse you could understand the confusing in my expression when a upset yoongi was passive aggressively yelling at me for blocking him.

saying how will he check up on me and make sure im okay if i shut him out. and that he feels its his job to do for me what he did for dino. be there for me like he was for his friend. and he doesn't care if i chose namjoon or not he'd still be there to support me.

I thought that was very sweet of him but also quickly realized how serious he was.... he wasn't just saying shit. and he made that clear when he threatened to blow up my parents phone to check in on me everyday if i didn't unblock him. 

so guess who got unblocked..... HE DID.

At the time i had yet to tell my parents my decision to walk away from Namjoon and any bond we had. We were still on vacation and i couldn't ruin it for them.

Now i was considering going back to Cali for a while and I had some how convinced myself to buy a ticket to one of there shows and come see him one last time before i left. 

an here i was..... In the crowd bobbing my head to their music as they performed and sung their heart out on stage. Silently crying. 

my shades and mask did a good job of covering my tears.

It took a lot for me not to find away back stage and throw myself in his arms. because even if he never really wanted me and used me as a pawn to his success and continue to be a better version of himself due to the soul powers.

I really wanted us to work. Yea in the beginning i didn't care. but after connecting with your other half.....

It just does something to you. But when i realized over time he wasn't making an effort to grow or form anything with me... just use our bond to his advantage. it really hope me. 

I had long put away the thoughts of his being romantically involved. friends would have been enough but even that was fake.  I realized that whenever he did something for me there was always a motive behind it. 

even the smaller things he did for me never was just out of kindness.. everything was always calculated with him. 

It hurt to feel that way. But what made it unbarring is the constant nagging about Dino. someone who was more of a friend to me than he was but he swore it was something more.... Then one day when i was sitting on my ipad it clicked for me. 

Namjoon seemed to night be into me romantically... wanted us to be friends. but only treated me like a friend behind closed doors and would spark our soul bond when it benefited him.

where as i was close to Dino and Eric. Had an out in the open friendship with Dino. We hung out around others and always had a god time. we made physical contact reguarly... was namjoon scared..?

At one point i tricked myself into believing he was jealous... i told myself... 

yea this is just signs of him actually been interested in you. He was trying to play them off. But now they are showing because he sees you close to another man.

But after looking over all our time together i realized thats just me being delusional. He never showed interest. He was motived yea... and in the beginning i couldn't tell by what. But i guess now it all made sense.

Maybe he was scared that if me and dino got too close and fell for each other that i would no longer me around for him to take advantage of. maybe that's why he always grew upset when i hung out with or texted dino. 

sighing i slipped my fingers under my shades and wiped my tears as he held the mic to his lips rapping. 

Gosh i wish i never registered for the registry... maybe then, we both would have been better off.

As i scanned the stage looking over the boys one last time I stopped stuck in place when a pair of us made contact with me.. my shades were tinted but my soul told me this person knew i was looking back at them. 

Yoongi....

i slowly placed my finger on the bottom of my shades and tapped them up quickly but not too much. he reached up placing his hand on the brim of his cap tapping it up slightly.

So i was correct.. he is looking at me...

nodding slightly i turned around and walked into the crowd and out of the arena. 

Once i got in my rental car i took a exhaled. I could still hear the fans cheering from this far out. 

turning on the car and buckling up i drove off headed to the airport. good thing this concert was in vegas. the flight to cali wouldn't be so long. 

good bye namjoon... I hope life treats you well.

𝒫𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓈𝑒 𝓋𝑜𝓉𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒸𝑜𝓂𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝒾𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃... 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝑒𝓃𝑔𝒶𝑔𝑒𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝓂𝑒𝒶𝓃𝓈 𝒶 𝓁𝑜𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝑒. 𝒯𝑒𝓁𝓁 𝓂𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒾𝒹𝑒𝒶𝓈. 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽𝓉𝓈. 𝑜𝓇 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓃 𝓅𝓇𝑒𝒹𝒾𝒸𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓈𝓉𝑜𝓇𝓎.

** Also check out my book M2B- a junkook hybrid book. I discontinued it back when i first made my account but I'm motivated to finish it now along with a few other books i've already started.... look forward to more chapters of that book as this one finishes up***