Subdued - A Shiva Pandya Story

how it began

They walked into the office and all sat down. The walls were a refreshing yellow and one feature wall had framed articles. Articles revolving around the psyche of the mind.

There was an antique mantle place where there were photos of Divya and Prakash . They looked so happy and in love. You could tell Divya was the quieter one and Prakash was the playful one. Then right at the corner was one with Shiva . He seemed so happy. At ease in the company he was in. Another alarming factor was that he was in graduation clothes. You could see other students in the background but Raavi's eyes were on Shiva in the picture. His eyes were radiant and it seemed like the sun had shone only on him that day. He hadn't smiled like that in a long long time. She should have been in that picture. But she was fixated on making it big through social media. She declined his invite. If only she accepted it. Forget accepting the invite, she should have been with him, supporting him on the whole journey. But Raavi always starts something but never completes it. She knew the truth behind why he never studied but she left him to pursue it himself after pumping him up.

She took a silent route when Arnav subtly mocked him. She didnt want to look like an idiot. She noticed Shiva no longer called her Chipkali or all sorts in jest anymore. When she asked, he said he didnt want to embarrass her. This is how she made him feel . The thought of her behaviour made her sick. Yesterday she crossed all boundaries. She insulted him vastly.Her parents came to her dream yesterday. They claimed they were disappointed. She failed being a wife. That's what they said. She stared at the picture when Divya spoke

" I think firstly I have to address myself. I'm Divya and I mention earlier that I'm Shiva's clinical therapist " there was shuffling as you could sense discomfort in the air. The Pandyas stared at Divya, eyes filled with questions
" Ms Suman, aap kabse wheelchair par hai"
" Bahot saalo thak" suman shared a puzzled look thinking what has that got to do with anything
"I see. Now it makes sense"
" what does" Rishita piped up
" jab main Shiva ko pehle mili, woh yaha ki Pandya store par tha. Uski store par usne likha ki har delivery ki charge store ki liye nahin balki donation diya jaayenga...aparij logo ke liye. Now i understand why...". The family looked at Suman and Suman looked at Divya in silence .Water rimmed her eyes as she realised the greatness of her sons heart. He was forever thinking of his family and his mum whilst she thought of everyone but him. She was remorseful for her actions and nodded at Divya to continue.

" Doosri baar maine Shiva ko mila, main car accident par phase gayi. Meri gaadi ko aag lag gaye. Maine socha ki shayad meri aakhri pal uss gaadi main beete jayengi. Lekin usse waqt Shiva chal raha tha aur usne mujhe bachaya. Woh apni haatho se..glass ko break kiya. Apna haath jalaya aur mujhe bachaya. Usne apni koi parva nahin ki. Bahot logon lagtha hoga woh mahaan kaam hai. Lekin usse din mujhe laga Shiva aisa insaan hai jo apne aap ko, apni jaan ki koi parva nahin. Hum ek therapist hai. Uski actions normal nahin thi. Usko patha nahin tha uski haath par aag lagi and usko iski koi parva nahin thi. Agar woh maar bhi jaata, he just wouldn't care"
They always thought Shiva was self sacrificing. He never asked for right on anything and if anything, gave away his right whenever it came down to it. But they never saw it the way Divya described. His self sacrifice meant he didnt care for his own needs at all.
Raavi thought back to the time they thought he was dead. Where did that love and care go. It was there. She knew that for sure. But she was always a bit self absorbed. Shiva used to always crib her saying shes always in her own world and oblivious to people around her. She was like that with the Dev thing. She was like that with the Arnav thing. She was like that always. But fear clutched at her when she realised something. That night when rescuing Divya, he would have probably burned alive without a care in the world and she would be oblivious as always. He never mentioned this incident because he probably thought she would put everything else in the forefront except him.

"Teesri baar main Shiva ko mili, woh college par thi"

Flashback
" Tum" she exclaimed at Shiva. She was equally puzzled. What was this guy doing here. Didnt he own a store. So what degree was he hoping to achieve here. She looked at his bloodied hands. Something was not right about this guy. He had a lack of self care and self love. Just like the time he threw himself at the flames of her broken car. She saw the state of the classroom Prakash showed her. This guy needed help. He had more than anger management issues.
Shiva spoke " tum yaha kya kar rahi ho. Yaha ki tho teacher tho nahin"
" Nahin, yeh meri dil ki dhadkan hai. Meri bartan ka Saban. Meri khayalon ki rani. Meri aishwarya. Meri sushmita. Meri chaat ki imlie . Meri"
Whack. Divya smacked him on the back of his head. Prakash rubbed his head with a pout and he could see Shiva looking confused, his dad looking at him silently laughing and Divya doing that cute angry face where her eyes are laughing, displaying something on the contrary.
" Prakash. Be serious and Papa, aapne mujhe yaha kyu bulaya"
Shiva slowly pieced things together. This was Prakashs wife. She was small thin girl, compared to Prakashs height . She was small enough to fit under Prakashs arm. No wonder when they went Somnath, his phone was always busy in the earlier mornings.
" shiva was recently admitted in hospital. In simple terms he suffers from severe anxiety attacks"
There was silence in the room when...
"Dont bend your head down. It is nothing to be ashamed of. I have seen many people in my profession, from many walks of life and mark my words, we will get to the bottom of it. I will need you to attend two mandatory sessions a week and any additional ones are emergency ones. I am a professional and I do have fees but what can I take from the man who saved me from a burning car"
He was about to mention the  management of the store when Prakash bulldozed him into a manly hug. It was probably the only time he had seen Prakash serious.
He had saved the love of Prakashs life. The gratitude he got , he hadn't had that for as long as he could remember.

Current day..

Judging the timeline, this happened after his first visit to Somnath. When Raavi chose to stay for Mami. Gaumbi should have sensed something was wrong when Janardhan changed his tune when Shiva was in Mumbai. He took the mick out of them, laughed at his business and caused more problems for them, making their lives hell. Rishita was always at odds with everyone over this.
" since then, shiva has been attending sessions as well as balancing the store and his studies. That probably explain why he hadn't visited you guys in a while."
Everyone thought about this note. Barring Raavi,Gaumbi and Suman, nobody noticed enough to speak of it.
" so that's why Shiva didn't protest about Mumbai much. He probably wanted to pursue his studies and thought Mumbai was the perfect escape" Rishita deduced. She was genuinely feeling guilty. She always mocked this guy about his lack of education. She owed him big time
" we were making full progress until you guys turned up and it led to the biggest anxiety attack he had. Normally he is never unconscious for that long".
The family felt another wave of guilt.
" I could go into details about everything but Shiva told me once it's best to give you the letters if it came down to it"
"Letters?" Krish questioned
" we did this as part of a mental exercise. Just to see if he is able to pen down his thoughts. Everyone has their own letters. Please be prepared for what is to come. Not all of it is nice to hear"
Everyone saw their letters and there was even one for Chiku and Chutki. Did Shiva contemplate never coming back ? Why did Shiva hold onto these? What did he hope to achieve?
One question came to Raavi mind. Did he contemplate death? If he did, what had she done. Dev's action once made her take a drastic step and a part of her always disliked him for his lack of thought and tact. But did she drive Shiva to consider the same? If she did, then what did that make her. Worse than Dev that's for sure. She had no time for self pity. She would read the letter and then work hard. Work hard to fix whatever needed to be fixed. She would not fail him again. She just hoped he gave her a last chance