Subdued - A Shiva Pandya Story

blindsided

They were entering the apartment when shouting could be heard. Shiva hurried his steps. That sounded like Gaumbi losing his cool. But with whom?
He froze and realised it was Dhara bhabi who, he was speaking to. He was worried. His family was fighting. What could he do to resolve it. But when his eyes fell on Raavi, he knew one thing. He needed to resolve his own problems . Everyone had to wait. Even Gaumbi and Dhara for that matter.
" Raavi se baath karni thi tho" his words trailed off and everyone decided to go up to the top terrace for fresh air.Prakash took him into a brotherly hug and wished him all the best.
Divya spoke and clasped his hands in an attempt to calm his nerves " Jo bhi karna, khud ke liye" Raavi looked at the interaction between the both. The green eyed monster inside her lurked around but she tried to usher it away. Now she understood what Shiva meant when she " cast him aside"

There was a silence once everyone dispersed. They stole glances and there was a lot of back and forth as to who should break the ice. Raavi took a deep breath and
" I read the letter, all six pages" Shiva nodded in acknowledgment
" then you must have questions about how I felt before and what I feel now"
Raavi waited.
" When I wrote the letter, I was in a bad place. You chose mami over me and didnt even blink when speaking to me. It was like you looked through me. As though I was dead"
Raavis eye brimmed with tears and she vigorously denied this
" No no no, it wasn't like that. I just thought you might understand. I thought once I resolve the mami issue , I'll grab the first train to Mumbai. But I was so ashamed. So stupid"
her speech was muffled by tears " my fear that you may not need me anymore , having your own independence meant you may reject me like how I made you feel with.....Arnav"
Shivas eyes shot up . He recalled that sadness she made him feel , like a toy no longer needed. His eyes filled and his anguish showered his face. Raavi's heart broken tenfold in that moment. She went to cup his face when he turned away. He was hiding his vulnerability from her.
" I was so scared of rejection , I made you feel more unwanted. I'm so sorry Shiva. Please forgive me "
Raavi was sobbing. Please God , she cried internally. Please make me fix this.
Shiva placed the stone on his heart and prepared himself. It was time to let the burden in his heart go. Her tears would not weaken him.
" You told me I was bekar." Raavi was puzzled. " that day when you defended Arnav, you called me bekar and I was the problem. What problem? I didnt trust him and how was that a problem. Was that not my opinion? Raavi sighed and spoke " I just thought you were jealous so..."
" Okay so when I'm jealous, you lose your shit and when you are jealous , you lose your shit too. When do I have the right to lose mine". Raavi gasped at the crass language but today there was no stopping Shiva.
" you said I didn't understand anything and that I was limited because of Pandya store. What did you mean that day ? You knew everything Raavi. You knew of my sacrifice. I bared my soul to you and you discarded it like an old toy. You found a new toy I.e. Arnav and kept me at the back of the closet for a rainy day " Raavi shook her head in denial and
" nahin shiva, please aisa mat bol"
" no more hindi Raavi. I'm no longer illiterate. I understand most things now Raavi. I cant take the Somnath out of me fully but there is some Mumbai-ness is in me so dont worry I can hold this conversation "
Raavi winced as Shiva continued.
" why did you never come Mumbai"
" I genuinely misheard Shiva. By the time I realised I was a mess. My head was everywhere. You were still being nice after everything. Comforting me and I couldnt even look at myself or anyone out of shame. I kept thinking how can I fix things before messing up again. You were being a gentleman"
" Dont call me a gentleman Raavi. You may think I am and you may like men who behave like gentlemen but I DONT" his eyes narrowed in anger and darkened . " I am no gentleman. Gentlemen become friends with girls and sway girls into trusting them and then place their hands on their honour. That is not my style and it ain't who I am" Raavi had a jolt through her and shook her head at the horror of his words. Shiva was not holding back " I know how to use my anger and though I admit it's out of control at times, I still respect the emotion as it's a true shine of my honesty. I don't play games"
Raavi was crying. She truly messed up. She didnt say sorry to him. Never fixed things and she let it build to this. She did have a killer question
" when did you have these panic attacks"
Shiva sighed. At least instead of wallowing in self pity, she actually asked the million dollar question
" the first time I had an attack was when Arnav attacked you. I was saddened by your behaviour and what it could have led to. The amount of times you met him alone, away from the office, he could have ravaged you and nobody would know. It was his luck that made him pull the stunt in the office but he could have had his way and thrown you away like garbage on the road" Raavi shuddered at the thought.
" the second one was an anger outburst when I was refused admission at the local institute. Remember the damages I had to pay. Well that was me. The third one was you rejected our Mumbai move. I couldnt keep dealing with your dismissal of me all the time. I was broken ..you broke me and I crumbled that day in the bathroom."
Raavi messed up thoroughly. His letter spoke of all this but to hear the words was like the burning of her soul
" the fourth time was when you rejected Mumbai again. I trashed the classroom and that's when Divya was called in. We were doing well and Prakash helped in his goofy way until the last attack I had which you witnessed." Shiva took a breath. He was getting tired. He scurried around until Raavi handed him a bottle of water. She was crying profusely and he cursed his harshness but he needed to do this.
" you always play the victim Raavi and make everyone defend you and curse me. But I'm the punch bag. YOUR PUNCHBAG. I dont want this anymore. I want to be able to breathe . Without fear of rejection. I am sick of holding my breath around everyone. Dhara bhabi, Gaumbi, everyone, they all exhaust me and I have no energy. I get slapped and punished. I get humiliated but I'm Shiva arent i ? I'm a jaahil unpar gawar neech. This is what I deserve"
" No Shiva. Please dont say this. It's not true"
"How can you switch Raavi. You went from pining for your dead husband to not caring about my presence. What kind of love is that? It would have been better if I stayed dead. It's just a shame I came back before you could find your new toy Arnav"
She held his mouth closed and shook her head. How could she make him feel like this. She made wish he was dead. She would never forgive herself. If he died, she died that was the truth but he didn't believe her.
" but this cannot go on Raavi. I cannot live like this. I worked hard and it was crushed by everyone in seconds. My emotions were crushed and trampled on. I think it's time. "
" NO SHIVA. PLEASE NO. PLEASE".

How did everyone like the end of the chapter..sorry it's a long one and in wrote most of it in English as I speak it mostly

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