Love Will Kill

Why?

I wandered through the halls. I was going up to the nursery but lost interest.Going to the elevator I went up to the top floor to the roof, Back to where I found Ben that one day. I pushed open the cold heavy steel door and went out into the windy morning, leaning against the ledge to look down out to the city. The snow had melted but it snowed lightly the night before, a thin white layer covering everything. I looked at the buildings, I looked at the people, I looked at everything that moved. I looked out beyond the mountains that still seemed to go on forever the further I looked, and all of a sudden I was back at that moment, sitting on the floor looking out the window with Ben across from me.

I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to know why he wasn't happy, I wanted to know why he was angry, I wanted to know why he had marks on him. I wanted to know where he was. I wanted to know if he was ok.

Days went on. Weeks. Rowdy mornings, quiet afternoons, Dead nights. Today was Lin's birthday and I decided to get out for a little bit, it's the least I could do for him. I went up to his room to fetch him, knocking on his door. I stood back to wait for him to answer, it didn't take long for the door to burst open and a screaming Lin to come out.

We all sat in the dining hall like every birthday, all of his friends were over this time so it was a bit crowded. We laughed, drank our drinks, sung his favorite songs, and talked about all the stupid things Lin does. He had this brilliant idea to do a karaoke night for his birthday this year. He sang his heart out up on stage. I had to admit he was a really good singer, he sang for most of his life. He mostly rapped and he was amazing at that, but every now and then he would throw in a little singing to mix it up. I could tell he was more confident in rapping rather than singing, but he was definitely good at both.

The night went on the same as every night, I sat on my window ledge staring at the sky. Another clear night, no clouds and the stars shone as bright as usual. I leaned my head against the glass and let out a low steady sigh. I'm tired. I'm irritated. I hate. I'm tired of sitting here every night with no purpose. I'm irritated about being in this hospital. I hate Ben. I hate Ben? I paused for a moment. My head grew dizzy and my vision darkened. I began to feel a cold stinging sensation. I opened my eyes realizing I had closed them. I was on the ground. On the cold floor. I closed my eyes once more.

I awoke with nurses surrounding me. I was in bed with an iv attached to my right arm. My vision was still blurry but I knew it was Amy beside me. She had the most slow but calming voice. I stared at the clock in front of me. 6:15 am. I closed my eyes once more and did not question anything. I let them do whatever they wanted to me. I was too tired to care. But I also really didn't care. I opened my eyes once more and Amy was now the only one in the room. I stared back up at the clock. 11:54 am. How does time slip so quickly?

"Are you actually awake this time?" She spoke slowly and softly. I nodded and closed my eyes again.

"Your heart rate is at an alarming pace Noah, and your blood pressure is dangerously low."

I nodded at everything she was telling me, still eyes shut. "Noah?" she repeated. I nodded once more.

"Noah." she said with a more stern tone. I sighed. I opened my eyes and stared at her. She stared back without speaking, her brows furrowed and arms crossed. Her brows softened and she grew sad in the face. Her arms fell to her sides. "It's like you don't even care."

She lifted her clipboard back up and held her pen in hand waiting.

"You don't, I know you don't, you have no medicine in your system. So when was the last time you took them?" She kept her eyes on her board. Not daring to meet them with mine. I waited for her to meet them but she never did. This angered me. I don't know why it angered me. It's as if she was in control. She knew what was going on with me when I didn't even know for myself. I looked away, putting my focus onto something else. I watched the window. It was suddenly the most important thing in the universe. I could see her reflection, head turned to the side waiting for my response But there was none. Nothing escaped past my lips. Not a breath was let out.

I stayed silent. Not knowing what to say. Not wanting to say anything. She wrote some stuff down on the paper and flipped it to the next page. She didn't write anything down on this page, just stared at it blankly. As if unsure about what it said. She flipped it back to the first page and continued writing. The sentences she was writing weren't long ones, just short ones. She would write for about 2 seconds and then stop, go down a little and then continue writing. I continued watching her reflection through the window. She did this a couple more times before finishing and exiting the room, still not a word spoken from either of us. What did she write down? Nothing was said. Nothing was discussed. No thoughts were told.

I sat in my room for the rest of the night. My mind was racing. Thoughts went through my mind. Questions bouncing back and through my mind. What did she write down? What did she think she knew? What was going to happen to me since I didn't answer her? What would have happened if I did? What is going to happen now that they know I haven't been taking my medicine? We had a choice if we wanted to take the medicine or not. They weren't forcing us to. They got paid either way, so I know nothing drastic is going to happen. And what's the point? Like Ben said. It isn't saving us, just making us die a little bit slower.

Lin came up to my door a few minutes later, he peeked his head out from the doorway and stared in. I didn't notice him at first since I was still looking out the window. It wasn't until he put his entire body in the doorway that I saw his reflection. I slowly turned to face him. He wasn't his cheery self like he usually is. I guess seeing your friend sicker than usual doesn't make a person too happy. He was about to speak but I knew he was going to ask the obvious so I changed the subject before he could even start.

"Dude, absolute sick party, singing up there..."

He nodded and gave a little smile.

He walked towards me and sat on the edge of my bed"

"Why haven't you been taking your medicine man?" I was shocked that he already knew, word doesn't get out that quickly.

"Your trash can, dude. you didn't even  try very hard to hide them."

I went back to staring out the window. I didn't want to face him. I didn't want to face anyone.

He let out a low sigh before continuing

"dude...why?"

 I shrugged it off making it seem like it wasn't a big deal. I knew how big of a deal it was but at the same time it wasn't really a big deal.

I think about what Ben had said, how we are just dying a little bit slower. how we are just using borrowed air. I realize that he isn't a bad person. He isn't a rule breaker. Well he is but for good reasons. he knows that we aren't getting any better. All he was trying to do was live his life while  he still has a chance, and he was just bringing me along while I still had my chance.

"Hello? Noah?" Lin said snapping me back into reality.

"why are you doing all of this, your acting like Ben-"

My eyes lit up before starting.

"Because Ben is right" I yelled and chuckled. Lin looked at me  puzzled.

"What's the point if we all know we'll just die in the end anyways? " 

I stared at him waiting for a response, but all he could let out was a sigh.

"Noah.."  he said shaking his head.

"Lin he's not wrong. This isn't worth it, going through all of this isn't worth it, being locked up in this hospital isn't worth it, not being able to go out and live at least once isn't worth it."

He still spoke nothing.

"If we are going to die, we should at least live first. "

Still nothing was spoken from him so I continued

"Right? "