When Xandra saw Jasmine like that, she couldn't help the shame that pooled in her stomach. Here was her friend, trying her hardest to live a decent life, about to get married, adjusting to the real world. And yet here she is. Still drowning in memories she couldn't forget.
And when she saw Jasmine that first time since eleven years, a bitter taste stung her mouth. Had she just completely forgotten? But when those tears ran down her face, aching and suppressed, the shame just spread further.
I can't believe myself, she thought, soft and mechanical as she clutched her forehead. She was sitting on a puddle of sweat, awoken from a nightmare by the sting in her hand. Crescent shaped marks buried on the flesh between her pointer finger and thumb, small droplets of blood plopping onto the mattress.
Her head and body ached. She paid no attention to the slight burning in her hand. Tomorrow would be the festival, and the clock was already ticking toward 4 AM. Still, Xandra couldn't care less.
She collapsed on her pillow and closed her eyes. She was set on a certain time and a certain place, a certain thought.
Tonight everything will change.
She remembered Jasmine, and the marks she carved on herself stung harder. Her crying face, her pleading tears. "But will you let me stay?"
Sun came to mind. She was never a bubbly kid, but she held an innocence and lightness in her eyes. Even when she shied away from visitors or scampered away to call her mother when there's a customer, she would be light on her feet, and a small smile fixed on her face.
But it was when Manasse came to mind that her musings came to a halt, and she felt herself pulling back to the world of sleep.
***
Periwinkle and Myrtle flowers dotted the bushes on each side of the lake. Snip snip snip. Xandra's hands stained red with the moon. Miyo's white hair glittering on the ground.
"This is as short as I can go without it looking worse. We don't have a razor."
Miyo stayed as silent as the ripples that reflected their shadows.
Finally, he sighed. "Don't you still have a festival to attend to? You don't have to stay here with me."
Sun's breath hitched in her throat. The haze in her eyes cleared. She blurted out, "I've already had enough of the festival." The thumping in her chest grew thunderous, her limbs turning limp from relief.
Miyo turned to her with a confused look. She crossed her arms and sighed with her eyes closed. "I...I don't like festivals too, you know. Let me stay here."
His eyes went wide. "Really? Even though you worked hard for that sculpture?"
"My mom made it. I only helped a little, so don't be ridiculous."
"You really don't want to see it in action?"
"I've imagined it enough times in my head."
"You have an imagination?"
"I'm not a robot, Miyo."
He laughed, then sat back down on the pebbly bank. He patted the seat beside him. "Alright then."
Sun sat beside him with bated breath, waiting for his reaction. Words died at her lips, stopped with roaming anxieties. She knew more than anyone now just how much words mean, just how much they hurt, heal, and feel. It's stupid and dangerous. That's why she wants to stay as quiet as ever, always.
But staying quiet is just as risky.
This silence that continued to wrap around the both of them, it's constricting and restricting, and Sun hated the way she's staring empty at the lake.
Sun?
Sun
Sun
Xandra
She's Xandra, she's also Sun. But now she's done playing.
"You're acting more unusual today," Manasseh said.
Still, Xandra let herself become Sun, even for a while, and Manasseh be Miyo, just for a while. Just for a moment.
So she gave a small smile, and nodded silently.
Miyo exhaled, long and drawn out. "I'm still worried though, your dad won't want you missing the festival. And your mom might need more help with the finishing touches. You also wa–"
"No." Sun said stubbornly.
"Alright," He said with a sigh, pulling his knees closer to his chest. He yawned, "It's getting dark. I want to just sleep right here."
The light ripples of the lake was the only sound that followed.
"Hey Sun, speak out?"
"What should I say?" It sounded more like she asked it to herself.
Miyo looked at her incredulously, "Don't ask me! You wanted to stay here."
"Then do you want to go home?"
"I am home." He looked up at the sky, stars shining in his eyes. "The den is just under the lake."
"Sure." Sun picked her words carefully. "Then why do you keep ignoring me and Jasmine? Why do you hide everytime we're here?" She paused.
"You can't stay underwater for long."
Miyo didn't answer.
Silence held on for so long, too long. Even the wind stopped; the lake steadied, the crickets stopped. It was like the scene in her mind stopped right there, hit pause, unsure of where to go next.
"Then," Xandra took in a sharp breath. She took his cold hand in her tight grasp. Her eyes watered as she tried to find his face in the dark.
"Promise me you won't stay in the den for too long. Swim to the surface, I'll be there. Promise me, because if you don't..." Her words became shaky, tears uncontrollably falling down her cheek. Her throat burned, but she continued.
"I'm...I'm going to hate you!"
Her words were childish; she was childish. In the eleven years that had gone by in her life, she didn't grow up one bit. But childish as it was, Miyo jumped, and he opened his mouth to retort.
"Ju..just for–"
"Manasseh."
Manasseh
Manasseh
He was Manasseh, and she was done playing. Finally. Hesitantly.
"If you keep ignoring me and Jasmine, we're going to ignore you too! So don't stay there too long, okay?" She gripped his hands tighter, holding on to the illusion of him. But why did it feel so real? Why did his hands feel so soft, yet cold?
"Promise me you'll let me stay." Xandra opened her eyes to find worried, golden eyes staring down at her. "Forget me not, okay?"
Xandra saw him open his mouth, take a deep breath, utter an answer.
But whatever he said became lost in the mess of her tears, until he said nothing at all. Xandra vaguely remembered the greenish, blueish blades of grass, and the heat of her tears as she closed her eyes.
When she opened them, purple bed sheets welcomed her.
In one of his responses, she heard.
"Your wish...has been granted."
YOU ARE READING
Counter Clockwise
General Fiction"I wish...time would just stop." Sleeping has always been Xandra's getaway, but an impending vacation back to her hometown forces her to fully succumb into her mind. She has just been exhausted, working to the bone. And all she really wants is for t...
