a Note to my Depression

What is depression?

Depression is not simply having this feeling of wanting to die or the inability to live, it is far more complicated than that. It is a depth of emptiness within, a void we wanted to fill but it will never be filled. Some may ask when did it start? Honestly, it is difficult to tell at what point it all began. Maybe when I refused to get up on bed because simply breathing is too tiring, or when I eat too much in attempt to feel the hollow feeling I have, or by not simply eating at all. It will start from a small tiny detail in your life, you won't even notice but deep inside you, you know there is something wrong but you cannot tell where part. Until it leads to huge change in your daily life, a lump of endless black clouds over your head or fog that stops you from thinking clear. 

Depression is not having the spark you once had when you play your favorite game, or when you do something that once gave you so much joy, it feels nothing at all. You will then question yourself and everything you do, if it is making sense. Everything will become so overwhelming, you will want to sleep all day but have trouble sleeping at night, you cannot just drag yourself to find joy in living anymore but you also don't want to die.

I am not making sense at all, that is all what is within our minds. You don't want to bother someone because you feel like what you are going through is something incomprehensible for many. How will I make you understand that depression is like an uninvited guest who stays, and you don't have the strength to make it leave. It made you feel like shit, like you are unwanted worthless and no matter how much people remind you that you matter and they love you it just doesn't get through. 

So, I hope even when hope dies when depression seeps under my skin, that we all find ways to find joy in living. Even when it is not joy but rather a will, something that will make you look forward to what life has to offer. I hope, a hope will find you and you'll find yourself again.