a Note to my Depression

They say it will be okay

I don't know why I am sad, or maybe I am not.

I feel so empty, a wreck trying to stop chaos inside

I wanna die,

to end everything and just leave.

I believe in God but I also believe that he cannot cure what is inside my mind.

When I'm with him with all ends?

Will it stop?

Ma, I'm so tired of living and of trying to get by everyday and with the same boring life.

I don't want to have kids because I'm scared, not of the pain of giving birth but rather the pain of someday they'll think like me.

I'm scared of them experiencing something uncertain and be afraid of life

Because life is beautiful, if only I have the same joy of finding fun in it

But no, and it is scary

To close my eyes every night and sleep thinking about nothing but death

Maybe that's the reason after my nightmares, the shadows, and darkness that enveloped me each night.

I've written this when they are all asleep, when they cannot hear my sobs of frustrations and how guilty I am for feeling this way. They say everything will be okay, I wish that it is as easy as that. I wish that if someone tell me it will be okay, I will instantly be okay but it doesn't work like that no matter how reasonable that explanation is, sometimes it just doesn't make sense. There is no quick fix to depression, it will take time but it is definitely not today, not tomorrow or it will not heal at all. I've been clear of any suicidal thoughts for months and I have never imagined to have this thought cross my mind again, or maybe I am denying it, or maybe it was drowned by the things lately. Depression is not a phase we can get over with, it is being stuck between struggling to live but constantly wanting to die.