Wolfstar Oneshots *uwu*

One Night (hurt/comfort)

It was only when Remus heard the sobbing that he noticed something was wrong. It was heavy, deep sobbing, the kind that had been buried deep inside one for months, or longer. The sobbing of someone who thought he had to be strong for everyone else but just couldn't take it any longer. Someone who's coping mechanisms and defense walls were built up so high not even he himself could climb over them and let go. And then: a breaking point. And who could blame him? He was the least to be blamed, everyone else maybe, but not him.

Remus rushed into the hall as fast as he was able to after a recent full moon. There he cowered on the floor, face downwards, so vulnerable, so small, so broken. Three things one would never connect with him. Yet Remus knew, he knew him and he knew what had happened to him and how strong of a person he really was. Remus sat down next to him gingerly. The floor was cold on his bare feet. „Sirius", he whispered and gently placed a hand on the man's upper back. The sobbing didn't stop, it couldn't, after all these years once it had started it possibly couldn't. „What are you doing out here at two in the morning?" He still whispered, even though they were alone in the house it felt like any loud word would break something. He didn't get an answer, he hadn't expected one.

He wanted to place his other hand in Sirius' hair to try the least he could do, give comfort. But in the middle of doing so Sirius grabbed his wrist. He held onto it so tightly that his knuckles and fingers looked ghostlike white in the dark and Remus almost felt the blood stop rushing through his veins. Finally Sirius looked up. His eyes were red and swollen. And Remus felt his heart break right then and there, he felt it physically, like a stab into his chest. All he wanted was to take away this pain and suffering he saw in front of him, god he'd take it everyday instead if it meant he wouldn't have to see Sirius like that. Yet Remus couldn't start crying for Sirius' sake he had to be that one steady thing in his life, that one thing he could hold on to as he was doing now. Remus slowly removed his hand from Sirius' back and carefully wiped away the tears that he'd cried.

Sirius didn't resist, he didn't do anything but stare and cry and breathe unevenly. A bit more quiet than before. „Need a hug?", Remus asked because other words could never do justice. It only took a shaky breath and a light nod. Sirius sat up, more falling into Remus' arms than sitting really. He clenched to his wool sweater tightly, while said wool sweater got wet with heavy tears. He buried his face deep into Remus' shoulder shifting his weight on the taller man's body. Remus' arms were steady around him, big and comforting and just holding him. It was everything he needed and he couldn't ask for more. He felt Remus' chest sinking and rising in deep breaths. Slowly trying to synchronize their breathing pattern and focusing on nothing else than Remus' touch he calmed down.

They didn't know how long they sat there, Remus holding Sirius' cold body as tight as he could. One hand on the back of his head, running his fingers through the too long black hair. „I'm here, you're save, it will be okay- you will be okay" And even though they were just reassuring nothings, in that moment Sirius believed them and trusted them and wanted Remus to hold him forever. It were those moments in which he realized how lucky he was after everything he's been through. Because he still had Remus, after Peter and James...he still had Remus.

„Do you want to talk?", Remus asked softly after a few minutes of silence. Did he want to talk? Not at any cost. He just wanted to forget and never think or mention or speak about the past again. But it would help. And this was Remus. The one person he trusted most in this entire world and even after 12 years and even if things were different now, he still felt like revealing his entire heart and soul when he was with him. He nodded hesitantly and let go off Remus sweater. His mind went blank wandering to his Remus' eyes for a second with a glimpse of fear. Remus could only imagine what Sirius must be feeling right now. „Let's get up, mkay?" he asked quietly. Without another word Remus helped the other man up and looked him in the eyes steadily one more time just to make sure he was ready for this, or was at least trying to be. Slowly they went into the living room and sat down on the old not very comfortable sofa. „Do you want a cup of tea?" Remus asked, now with a little smile on his lips. Just because Sirius had stopped crying and it meant so much to him. Once again the man nodded slightly. And only a few minutes later Remus returned with two cups of tea. And even if it was simple, Sirius could swear that it was the best thing he ever drank.

Remus gave Sirius another few minutes in quiet, just sipping their tea from time to time. There was an unspoken understanding between them. And when Remus felt Sirius shift a bit closer next to him he knew it was okay to talk now. „How are you?" It was the most normal question of all but what it meant in that moment was so much more. Sirius let out a deep sigh, like a huge weight fell off his heart. „I-I'm-„ Sirius' voice sounded raspy and unused and thick from all the crying and pain he's been through. „I'm horrible...I mean- better than, you know, but now that I'm out of this- and here, safe, with you. I should be happy, shouldn't I?" Remus could hear the tears coming back in Sirius' voice. He put his hand on the others' back and caressed it in soothing circles. „It's alright. How you feel is alright and you don't have to ever think that your feelings are wrong, okay? You've been through more than anyone should have to be and not me nor anyone else expects you to be whole again just because the worst part is over. You have to heal, Sirius."  Sirius sniffled softly but it wasn't the hurtful sounds Remus had heard moments before, it was more of a relieving noise.

„Thank you, Moony. It's just- I don't know, just that I don't feel like me anymore. The Sirius everyone knew, the one I knew, the- one you loved. I think he's gone, and I don't know if he's ever coming back." His words were halting and so quiet that no one in the next room would've heard them. And Remus heart broke a little hearing them. „Sirius, look at me."
Sirius obeyed and in the dim light of a few candles he _really_ looked into the eyes of the most important person in his life for the first time in twelve years again, the first time not refusing to out of shame. „When I look into your eyes, I see you, Padfoot. You and nobody else. I still see the boy I fell madly in love with in fifth grade so clearly, the one that wore his leather jacket with pride and made the most horrible puns, the one that loved muggle rock with a passion and cared for his friends more than anyone. That's him right here in front of me."

Sirius teared up again and he had given up on feeling embarrassed because of it. This was Moony after all. And Remus continued: „You changed. How couldn't you have? I did too, we all did. And that's okay, we grow as we go through life and sometimes life isn't kind to us, but change is good. We're constantly making progress if we can and progress takes time. There are bad days... but there will be good days too. And I'm here Pads, to go through them with you. But even after all that happened: Deep down you still are you and you always will be." Remus mind absently had taken Sirius' hands into his and held them tightly as he spoke. Sirius was speechless. Something that only happened so few times he could probably count them on one hand. He was touched so deeply inside, thankful and so positively overwhelmed that he couldn't express it into words. „I'm sorry" was all he could whisper. „What would you possibly have to be sorry for?" Remus asked, and he sounded so genuine. „I'm sorry for every change you had to go through alone, for every full moon we- I- was not by your side, for every moment you doubted my innocence and thought I had betrayed you. For all that and so much more." Now it was for Remus to be speechless and all he could do was nod.
„We both hurt. And we both still will. It's okay to be hurt about something you thought is over...We're not alone anymore", he said finally.

It was only now that he realized how tight he had been holding Sirius' hands. Without any doubt in mind he raised them to his face and so gently kissed Sirius' hands. It was not only an act of comfort and caring... it was also the most intimate thing Sirius had experienced since Azkaban and he couldn't have imagined it any better. „I still love you", he whispered out of nowhere. Remus eyes softened, his whole body and mind and soul did. „I do too, every day and night." He whispered back. And they sat there for a few seconds just processing everything that had happened this night. With a feeling in their bodies that it had turned out just right. „Moons?" Sirius asked softly. „Hm?" was the answer he got. „Would you mind sleeping in a room with me? I don't think I want to be alone right now...only if that's okay for you because-„ „Sirius, I would love to."
And it was the best sleep they both had had in what seemed like forever.