Change of Heart - Yuri Plisetsky x Reader

Chapter Twenty-One

 There is a concept, new and modern, with which I'd become increasingly familiar over the years. This is the concept of phantom buzzing. Phantom buzzing, in my experience, is perhaps solid evidence of my cell phone addiction; For no reason at all, I would feel a little bzzt in my pocket and check my phone, only to realize that nobody had texted, nothing had updated, and I would have to go back to whatever I'd been doing before, purely disappointed.

This sensation enveloped my life for the next few days. I kept thinking Yuri had texted, kept feeling that little buzz followed by a jolt from my heart, only to realize he hadn't responded. It went on in this way for days. Any free time I had was spent scrolling through our past texts, while I wondered if there would be something new by the time I refreshed.

But there never was; Hotheaded as he was, Yuri was respectful of my wishes. On a surface level, I was relieved. Finally, I'd think to myself, He's let go, and I would try not to acknowledge the fact that, simmering just beneath the surface, there was a cesspit of sorrow that I couldn't even begin to unpack if I'd wanted to. So I pretended I was okay and that everything was fine, and let that pool of black sludge fester in my mind; Growing, pulsing, all-consuming.

I felt the feeling consuming me one day as I lay dormant in my bedroom, lying on my side, limp as a slug. It was one of the few times when I wasn't practicing for the competition or brute-forcing my way through homework I'd long since stopped caring about. So, instead of doing something I hated, I spent my free time doing nothing at all. And doing nothing, as it turns out, is an activity which is very inviting to negative thoughts.

This is the rest of my life now, I thought wearily, drilling it into my mind over and over again as if that might make the reality of it less depressing. I'm performing a test run for the rest of my life: practicing for my first worldwide competition of many, losing something vitally important for the first time of many, feeling like life is pointless for the very first time of many.

It obviously didn't help me. No matter how many times I tried to force myself to come to terms with reality, I couldn't feel better about it. I figured maybe one day I would have to; Life would wear me down enough that maybe my dreams wouldn't feel so close. I wouldn't feel like they'd been torn from my grasp, because at that point they'd be too far away to even see. I would give up on them, just like so many other adults. And one day, that might be fine with me.

But for now, a walk would be adequate to push such depressing thoughts away.

I stepped out of my room and timidly approached my mother, who was usually more lenient than my father when it came to these sorts of things. I had tried to avoid speaking directly with either of them over the past few days; I knew they had full control over my life at the moment, but that didn't mean I wasn't angry with them. Furthermore, they both seemed to still be quite upset with me. On a different day, I would've thought it better to just avoid rocking the boat.

But I had to get out. I couldn't be cooped up in here forever.

"Mom," I mumbled awkwardly, staring down at my shoes. "Can I go for a walk?"

"Hm," She replied, with just a hint of suspicion. "Where are you thinking about going?"

"I just figured I'd walk around town a bit," I said, trying my best to sound innocent and unexcited. I really didn't plan on doing anything she wouldn't have wanted me to, but it seemed lately that I had to bend over backwards just to convince them that what I was thinking was, in fact, what I was thinking. "Just to enjoy the weather and clear my head."

"Well, I suppose that's alright," she sighed, and I still didn't look at her face, but I could imagine a twinge of doubt hidden there. "But you know what your father said; If we find out you went to that ice rink, you're going to be in a lot of trouble."