False God

Chapter two

Suzuka 2022

Max pov

Reality arrives, and like the sea it is uncontrollable and noisy, merciless and overwhelming. I can't concentrate on anything because everything around me makes me confused and nervous and all I can hear is buzzing, everyone in the meeting won't stop talking, I need to get out of here, I want to go back home, I feel like I'm going to collapse and I don't want anyone to see me, I don't want to talk to anyone, there's nothing they talk about that will change reality. My father calls me, I know he is furious, I don't answer, I can't, my hands are too shaky for that, I couldn't speak anyway, I feel that if I open my mouth to say something I will overflow. So, I run away.

The tears come, and just like the sea it is salty, violent, heavy and uncontrollable. I sit in an empty, dark room waiting for it to pass, but it is as if all the Arctic ice melts and the ocean present inside me overflows my eyes crashing against my face just as the waves crash against the reefs in the sea. I don't know how long I've been sitting there, it seems like hours, the impetuous waves are still here, but I hear Christian's voice calling me, I don't want him to see me like this, I sit in silence waiting for him to leave, but he won't go.

- Max, I know you are confused about this, hell even I am. But this is for me to worry about and you to forget, I promise you we will work it out.

I don't answer, I can't. Then he continues.

- I know it's a lot to digest, but we have time until the next race, so you won't have to face the media for now. Go home, rest up, and celebrate your two-time championship.

It's almost comical, I feel like opening the door just to look into his eyes, but I don't have to do that to know that everything he said is just a load of crap. No I can't go home and celebrate my title as if nothing is happening, as if I can't lose my fucking championship, as if I don't know what people are saying about me now, as if I don't know what Mercedes is doing to make me lose my championship, as if I don't know what Lewis is thinking now.

But I do or say nothing. I wait, so does he, I can see through the doorway that he is still there and waits for an answer, but he doesn't get it. I hear footsteps moving away and finally I stand up, I lean on the wall and it's almost as if I forget how to walk, I feel like I'm getting out of my car at Silverstone last year, completely crushed.

Monaco 2022

When I arrive in Monaco I think about going to Charles, there are thousands of unanswered messages from him and I know he is freaking out about it, but I can't do it now, I don't want to hear his empty promises that everything is going to be okay, I don't want pity looks, I don't want him to hug me because I know that the second he does I will crumble. No, I can't see anyone from the paddock because everything about them would remind me of it, it would be purely embarrassing. I don't have the courage to look at my social networks, I'm used to the hate messages I receive daily, most of the time I manage to let it go, but I know that today it's worse, like Abu Dhabi in double.

I go to my balcony and watch the sea. The thing I love most about living in Monaco is the climate, and the sea, looking from here it is so blue. People say that blue is a calming color, like when they look at the blue sky and think that it will be a good day, or when they look at the sea and think of tranquility. I am afraid of the sea as much as I love it. We know so much about the sea and at the same time nothing because everything is so big and complex over the years, but there are still many questions about it. It is like the human mind, sometimes dark and stormy, sometimes clear and meek. At some point I get up and head for the bedroom, jet lag, usually the subject of many complaints, today a friend who guides me through the stormy sea, calming and silencing it, I surrender and at some point fall asleep.