I hate you, but I love you

-Chapter 1-

I hate her. What once was a soothing voice I could fall in love with was now the voice I dreaded to hear. The voice that rang trauma through my ears and it wouldn’t stop, my only choice left was to give up and let pain win. Sit there in grief until everything slowly fades out and I’m asleep.

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Trying to write my essay was hard with so much on my mind. I’m too poetic to follow the grammar rules and I have too many options to write about. The essay prompt was,

“Write something you want to share to others…”

Too broad of a topic. I’d rather not share my “work” to the class so instead I sit in class and continue to time my now accidental poem instead of my essay due in 4 days. 

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 For once in my life I thought I was accepted, but just like the safety of the titanic, we were both lied to. Pacing back and forth, contemplating the world around me. Why were people sad when they could just fake it but the people who fake it are more sad than the rest. 

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I realized how sad my life was, I said out loud “dang, that’s my fault.” I said it more as a question rather than a statement. Which also earned me a couple stares. “Mind your own business,” I say, still a little salty.

I’m in my last year of high school, it’s november. The only thing I have figured out is I write poetically to destress, which won’t make much of a living, and I have no significant other. My life is crumbling before my eyes and I’m the one who crumbled and shredded it to pieces.

School used to be so easy and I had straight A’s. Not many friends but I pretty much was a normal kid. I didn’t think negatively, I was very oblivious, and I was innocent. I don’t know when I changed to whatever I am now but now I struggle in school, still have no friends, and I am the least likable/innocent person you’ll ever meet. Actually you probably won’t ever meet me, I’ll either be long gone, hiding, or dead. I guess fate will decide to answer that one.

As I move my hand back to the keyboard to continue typing my “essay” that I probably won’t turn in just so I don't have to share. I got a text from my “friend.” She’s not really a friend. Actually she was the one I was writing about. 

“Do u like my outfit” she says

I go to respond but decide today is the day I don’t. She does this everyday. She posts a BeReal of her outfit then asks what I think. I always respond with nice comments about how beautiful she is even though I wish I could tell her how much I hate her. 

I go back to typing but before I can even get a word typed she barges in through the classroom doors. A few people glance at her, a little annoyed because they are studying but most keep to themselves. 

“Why didn’t you respond to my text” the pretty girl in front of me says. 

I responded bluntly with “sorry, I didn’t see it.” 

At this moment I wanted to yell at her, tell her to stay away from me. To leave and never come back but like always I can’t make any words come out. I just sit there staring at my screen, which I realize my friend has now started and finished reading.

 That was another thing I hated about her. She was always done reading before me. It sounds stupid but I hate slow readers and I hate fast readers. I like to win so when they read too fast, my dyslexic brain always loses the race. But when they read too slowly it gets on my nerves for how long it takes. I'm patient except for in these moments.

She looks at me with a confused look.

“Who is this about,” she asks but before I can answer she is already leaving.

Either she figured out who it was about or she had better things to do than cling to me today. Either way I am just glad she is gone. Although I wish I could tell her it was about her. Her stupid face that I wished I could kiss but at the same time wished I could punch. 

I’m not good with verbally expressing words so instead I finally get back to typing.

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Forever alone, I’m glad that you are gone but wish you were here. My heart splits in two, part stayed with you while the other ran away with me. Gone from the pain of seeing you everyday yet never forgiving myself for not saying something. While I wish I could say “I hate you,” I also wish to say “I love you.” Yet forever my words are unseen, and unspoken… Forever-

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835 words