I hate you, but I love you

-Chapter 5-

Next thing I know it’s Sunday night. I guess I finally caught up on sleep even though I did have to blackout to do so. It’s not that harmful since I was in bed and I feel fine. 

I have to finish my essay but no worries because I have an hour before it’s due. So I continue to write, determined to finish, not for the grade but because I want to for once.  For once I want to finish something that isn’t this life. 

The final essay looked something like this:

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I hate her. What once was a soothing voice I could fall in love with was now the voice I dreaded to hear. The voice that rang trauma through my ears and it wouldn’t stop, my only choice left was to give up and let pain win. Sit there in grief until everything slowly fades out and I’m asleep.

 For once in my life I thought I was accepted, but just like the safety of the titanic, we were both lied to. Pacing back and forth, contemplating the world around me. Why were people sad when they could just fake it but the people who fake it are more sad than the rest. 

Forever alone, I’m glad that you are gone but wish you were here. My heart splits in two, part stayed with you while the other ran away with me. Gone from the pain of seeing you everyday yet never forgiving myself for not saying something. While I wish I could say “I hate you,” I also wish to say “I love you.” Yet forever my words are unseen, and unspoken… Forever-

Sitting on the bus, wishing away the thoughts. Wishing I had gotten some sleep or maybe a small meal. When I first became her friend, that's when I had to be perfect. Because she would only like someone who is perfect. So she hated me and…

 I hated her. Everything about her. How she walks, how she talks. I hate her name and I hate her birthday. That stupid date that I can’t forget. It shows up everywhere and it feels like everyday is that day. I wake up and everything is about her, I go to bed and everything is her, her, her. It’s like a broken record repeating the same phrase over and over yet something is off. It doesn’t sound quite right. My hatred for her is as bad as the attacks on 9-11. This girl, one small person who at one point, I thought was perfect, was all a lie. She never loved me and who am I kidding, why would she. The fact that I stood there and thought I had a chance. No, no one was ever good enough for little miss perfect and I’m glad. She will sit alone with her tiny dogs, in her tiny house, all alone forever. 

I hope I do the same. Sit in my tiny home, all alone, forever. I hope I have no visitors and no responsibilities. I hope there is no food and no way to take care of myself. Slowly enough I would wither away all because of this girl that I hate. I hope I die because I can’t stand her voice. I hope my goodbye is cut off because I can’t stand her presents. I hope my forever alone is indeed alone because.. I hate her.

I wish away the dull, gloomy day. The old me would wait for the sun. Then I got bored and tried to get rid of the rain and when nothing worked I just let it happen. I let the rain pour and I let the clouds coat the sky in a dark grey. Gone with the heavy wind, away with the tornado, the thunder storm hitting hard. No way anyone could live through that yet I do. But I don’t.- When you live you thrive, but in this moment I survive. I barely survive but I still do and I’ll continue to survive until the storm is gone.

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I don’t actually believe this but if I want to submit it then I would have to fake the end.

So with that I call it done, I put the link in the submission bar, and I press submit.

I’ve done it. And immediately regret it. I regret it all because I remember, she is in that class.

737 words
AN: none of my photos are saving so I'm just gonna give up on them lol
Anyways have a good day my loves