I hate you, but I love you

-Chapter 10-

The morning turned into the afternoon and Ash was making some lunch for us but I doubt I will eat it. She called me to the table and I slowly stood up and walked over. What I saw was a make your own pizza table and I just couldn’t resist. “How did you remember this?” I asked with a smile glued to my face. “Secrets, but I needed you to eat so I found something you couldn’t resist,” she said giggling at her secrets. “Thanks!” I said my face was gleaming.
I grabbed my plate which had a pre-cooked pizza dough on it. She knows I like to put it together and eat it without cooking it. I carefully cut the pizza into four slices before I add toppings. (I know it sounds weird but trust the process.) I put marinara sauce and mozzarella cheese on my pizza, as did she. Then I cover it in pepperonis and a sprinkle of a random green. “Bon Appetit,” I say before stuffing my face with the pizza. Although she didn’t love the uncooked pizza, she still ate it with me. It made me smile a bit because she went through the gross mess with me.
After our extremely late lunch we sat back on the couch.  “Do you wanna do something like swim, or I don’t know, play pool.” Ash said. She had both an indoor and an outdoor pool and a pool table. I hated playing pool with her because she always won. So I said, “We can go swimming if you want to.” “Okay, go get dressed,” she replied happily. I walked upstairs to the guest room where we kept most of my clothes and things for when I slept over. I look for a one piece but there isn’t any so I settle for a normal two piece even though I hate how it shows off my scars. The top was yellow with black lacing on it and the bottoms were a matching skirt. I removed my ring, the one I always wear from a past friend and set it on the dresser. The ring was worth nothing in money but it meant so much to me.
I walked downstairs and to her natatorium (that's the name for an indoor pool room) where I saw her sitting on a seat in the most beautiful swimsuit I’ve ever seen. It was pink with white straps and rhinestones all around the low v-neck. And the bottoms were a matching pink. It lined her body perfectly. Her stomach showed no stretch marks or scars from anything and her top half was everything a girl could imagine. I wasn’t fat but I definitely had marks and scars on my stomach. I also wasn’t flat but the top showed little as the neckline actually went to my neck. “Wow you look pretty,” I said to Ash in a friendly way even though I meant it in a more of a jealous way. “You too,” she responded. “You don’t have to lie.” “I’m not lying, you are pretty in your own way.” “Wow thanks..” I said in a sarcastic voice. “ You know what I meant,” she said laughing.
After that she jumped into the water. It splashed me and it was a bit cold. We broke out in laughter then she splashed me with more water. “Come in,” she yelled. Instead of waiting for her to pull me in, I ran up to the ledge and jumped in. It reminded me of how I was trying to jump from the bridge but it felt a lot different this time. I felt happy for once in a long time.
We were splashing and playing around for a while, almost an hour passed by. She got out of the water and I followed. We sat on the same chair and layed down with a towel.
“Hey, we still have your tarot cards if you want to do a reading or whatever you do,” Ash spoke as if she wanted me to stay happy for just a little longer. “Seriously, you guys still have those?” “Yeah just upstairs, I’ll run and get them for you, brb.”
She left me alone and ran out the room and upstairs. While I sat there I realized we had yet to see her parents. Not yesterday or today. At first it didn’t stick out because my parents were also never home but when I used to come over they would constantly be around. Her parents would make us tons of food and make sure we were comfortable at all times. I guess that was a ruse they played to make them look good.  I’m not surprised because my parents would do the same for pity points and also less alibis in the rare case that I took them to court. Although I wish I could take them, I still loved them and would never do that. It would ruin their lives and I don’t want to do any more of that.
Ash returned with the card and handed them to me. I pulled out my stack, shuffled them and spread them out in my hands. I said the line that I always say and finished it with a new phrase I learned, “...and remember fate lies in your hands.” Ash picked a card and got “The Empress. The upright meaning is an expression of femininity and nurturing nature. The reverse side means encouraging self-care and self-love.” I finished my description with a quote, “You can never love someone if you don’t love yourself because it is impossible to give away what you don’t have.” Although I am not a spiritual person or anything of the sorts, I still love these things because I love fate and ideas being set out in a way that I understand life's path. “Wonderful,” she responded. “Indeed,” I said back. She grabbed the stack and placed her card back. She shuffled and repeated my new saying, “The fate lies in your hands.” I grabbed one card, breathed in and flipped it. It was the Death card. Not meaning real death but close. “The death card means being stuck in emotional dynamics that are no longer working,” I said solemnly. “Oh it’s ok, you aren’t dating anyone so it probably means nothing,” she reassuringly said. “Yeah,” I said, still knowing well, that’s not what the card meant. The card meant for me to come to terms with it, I like Ash.

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