bad in the bones -conrad fisher

ch. 8

A lot of dads showed up - John, the man who had been like a father to me for most of my life up until last year when his marriage to Laurel ended more cordigally than I would have anticipated. Laurel still invited him up for the Fourth despite the fact his new girlfriend was on his arm and she couldn't have been much older than me. She smiles and pretends it's not crushing her soul, but I think maybe it was. At least just a little bit.
    Adam showed up, too. After Susannah told everyone he wasn't coming, Conrad seemed to be in high spirits. He was still canoolding with Nicole in the pool and helped me, Belly, and Jeremiah make pomegranate margaritas in their dad's special blender but his smile was brighter than I had seen it all morning. When he still thought his dad was coming. Adam still strolled in, though. Like everyone was happy to see him. Jeremiah was the only one who smiled.
    The only dad that didn't show up was mine. Not that he was invited but I couldn't help but think about where he was. Where my mom was. Who she was spending the holiday with. I doubt she had a homemade cake and margaritas and there probably weren't red, white, and blue decorations surrounding her. There might be a pool. Maybe she was laying out by it and being served by someone in a fancy hotel that her new boyfriend was paying for. I didn't really know. That's where she was last year, anyway.
    I liked her being gone, then. All my friends and I got too drunk in the backyard because there were no adulta to stop us. Josh waded in the pool near the edge where I sat. His hands gripped my calves and he kissed my thighs and he mumbled how much he loved me in between kisses. Everyone was envious of us. It was obvious in the way they watched us. Josh never cared much for PDA except when he was drinking.
    Last year, after spending so much time in the pool that he became a prune, he leaned over my tanning body and dripped water all over me while kissing my cheeks. He begged me to go upstairs with him and after telling him no too many times, he lifted me up bridal style and carried me up to my room while piles of water marked our path.
    This year, I'm alone with a bottle of vodka resting on my stomach. I balance the neck between my two fingers and it rises and falls with my breathing. Everyone is down at the beach with the pitcher of the pomegranate margaritas that we made. Belly begged me to come, holding my hands in hers as she pleaded with me. I told her I wasn't feeling well and she hesitated, but left me anyway.
    The sun is shining through the window and I'm trying to keep my eyes closed to drown out the brightness but a shadow looms over my eyes. I opened one eye and suint at the figure hanging over me. It's Conrad. "There you are," he says with a laugh. His hair flops over his eyes and he's smiling so wide I think he might swallow me whole. "I've been looking for you. Belly is getting totally wasted, you should see her." I don't laugh but I manage to muster a smile. "What's wrong?" He asks me, his smile fading. I don't want it to fade, I want it there plsatered between his cheeks forever.
    "Nothing." He shakes his head as if he doesn't believe me and grabs the bottle from me. He takes a sip and jumps over the couch. I move my legs so he doesn't land on them and he pulls them back into his lap. "What are you doing up here?"
    "It was all getting too much. Everyone is out of hand," he tells me. He watches the alcohol swirl around in the glass bottle and he's not looking at me but his thumb is rubbing my calf as it pushes into his thigh and then he asks me if I'm watching the fireworks tonight. "Jeremiah got some good ones to impress Dad, but I don't even know if he's staying." Their dad coming was a shock to everyone, I think. Susannah told everyone this morning he wasn't going to come but he showed up later with a six-pack of beer and Conrad's mood visibly shifted. I didn't ask, though.
    "Why do you say that?" I ask carefully. His breath is shaky and my question wavers on thin ice. He sighs and squeezes my ankle.
    "He and my mom got into it earlier. I don't think he really had to work, I think Mom didn't want him here," he tells me. I tap my foot on the bottle in his hands and he looks at me. His eyes make my heart break. "I didn't really want him here, either."
    "What about Jeremiah?"
    "He was ecstatic. Bought a whole show of fireworks." I smile at the thought but Conrad doesn't. "So, are you coming?"
    "I don't think so." He nods and taps his fingers on my legs. "Unless you want me to?"
    "There's a moon eclipse tonight," he says.
    "It's called a syzygy," I say. "When the moon, sun, and Earth align. It comes from the Greek word syzgia which means 'yoked together'." He smiles at me and I can feel my cheeks heat up. "I was in science club for a while," I admit. Conrad laughs. A real laugh with his head thrown back and his face turning red and it's contagious.
    "Yoked together, huh?" He asks and I nod. "Well, yn, do you want to go see the sun, moon, and Earth be yoked together with me later?"
    "What about Nicole?" I hate myself for asking but I have to know so I ask anyway.
    "She doesn't mean anything to me but I can't wait around for you forever." He looks at me and I know he doesn't want to not wait for me. We look at each other and I know I should say something and tell him he doesn't have to wait for me because I'm right here but there's too much at stake and instead of saying what I want to say, I reach for the bottle of vodka and drink it until it's gone and the room erupts in noise. Susannah calls for cake and Belly is at her heels like a toddler feening for sugar. "We should go out there," he mumbles, lifting my legs off his lap and standing up. My legs slam down on the couch and I feel horrible.
    I have no choice but to follow him for cake except there won't be any cake because as I step out onto the patio, Belly skips down the stairs and trips over her own feet and knocks into Susannah and the cake goes everywhere.
    Everyone rushes to Susannah's side but I'm glued in place. Mr. Fisher grabs at his wife and she pushes him off - "don't touch me," she yells. Everyone draws back. I can see Conrad's shoulder tense in front of me. "I'm fine, I'm fine." She stands up, smooths down her dress, and walks passed everyone and into the house ignoring Belly's slew of apologies.
    "So I guess no cake," Conrad mumbles. I think I'm the only one who heard him. John brings Belly inside. She's stumbling over her feet and slurring her words and John mouths I'm sorry to me.
   
   
    I don't think Belly has ever gotten drunk before. In fact, she was always the one tellng everyone to slow down. She'd answer her phone on the first ring everytime I called and walked wherever I was. It wasn't that big of a town and I never went very far, but one time she even had to take a bus to the party I was at. She waited for me and walked me home and made sure I didn't stumble into the street. She provided water and Advil adn stayed with me when my mom wasn't home. Belly was always stable. Sure. Secure. The sun that broke through my dark clouds.
    It's no surprise to me that no one is mad at her for ruining the cake. Even Susannah, who now has to buy a new cake stand, smiled and said everything was okay. No one could be mad at her even when she was a drunken mess.
    She's in her bed, a half-eaten piece of pizza on her end table and she's fast asleep. I almost want to wake her up. Tell her that everything is okay because Susannah said so and I know she would believe me. I want to tell her that she doesn't have to change who she is because her friends at the country club want her to. She is not fasinators and white gloves and too much blush on her cheeks. She is not a drunken mess with sand in her shoes. She is more than that.
    There's a soft knock on the door and I turn to see Conrad leaning against the door jam. He's watching her, too. He doesn't look at me until I speak. "Wanna go see the eclipse?" He smiles and holds out his hand for me and I take it. I check behind me one more time to make sure she's asleep before disappearing down the hall with Conrad. Guilt rushing up my throat and I swallow it down.
    He takes me back to the pier as the sun goes down. We pass the big white boat and instead of taking me sailing, he takes me to Shark Bait. "You're gonna take this thing out?" I ask, eyeing the ores  suspiciously. Conrad laughs and he helps me aboard. There's already blankets in the boat and he opens one up to wrap it around my body. His hands linger on my arms and I swallow the guilt again.
    "You're gonna help me row, okay?"
    "You don't always have to teach me something, you know," I whisper to him. I liked when he taught me stuff, though. I like when he's passionate and excited and I like when he smiles with his eyes like he's doing right now.
    "To impress a girl that already knows everything, I think I do."
    "You'd be surprised at how little I really know." Conrad licks his lips and his eyes soften and instead of kissing him like I want to do, I pull away and grab at an ore. "So, how do we do this?" He clears his throat and talks me through the steps and we row the boat out as far as he lets me. I think I could have kept going forever until we hit another piece of land where no one knows us and no one is in love with him and I can kiss him if I want to.
    It starts to get really dark, especially out in the water where there are no lights besides the pier a million miles away. Conrad points to the stars and asks me what the constellations are and I tell him and then he gawks at me as if he's never been more amazed in his life. He tells me, "I never know what's going to come out of your mouth."
    And I want to say, "I love you." But I don't. I don't say it and I don't know if I love him but right now, in the dark, when I can't really see his face clearly and his arm feels more real next to mine than it has ever felt before, I might.
    We sit on the floor of the boat and lean back against the seat. Conrad's hand finds my leg and he rests it on my thigh. His fingers rub against my skin. It's sweet and respectful and I don't make him stop because right now it's just me, him, and the planets being yoked together. I turn my head to say something and Conrad turns his at the same time and the only reason I know he's so close to me is because I can feel his breath on my lips. The tip of his nose is touching mine and when I can't see him, it's easier to press my lips to his and not feel guilty.
    His hand finds my face in the dark and he cups my cheek. I lose myself in him. His lips, his scent, the way his hair brushes against my forehead when he presses his body closer to mine. This kiss is different. I'm not kissing him because I want to forget. I'm not kissing him because he's here and convenient. I'm kissing him because I want to and the way that I'm feeling inside needs a way to escape and the only way they can be let out is this.
    I find myself on top of him. My hands are in his hair. His hands are on my waist. He pulls away briefly and between his heavy breath he says, "are you sure?" I'm not sure what he means by that, at least not right away. I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't sure but I put myself in his shoes for a moment and maybe he doesn't know that. I nod. "I don't want you to be sure now and then regret it in the morning."
    "I don't regret anything," I say. "I don't regret anything when it's with you." I mean it. I try to force him to believe me so I kiss him again and he leans into me and I know he does.
    "Then what's been the issue?" He whispers. His thumb rubs against my cheek and I lean my face into him. "You know I can't get you out of my mind."
    "Belly," I tell him. "She loves you and she's my best friend." He stiffens and maybe now he gets it. Why I said I can't be with him. My heart races and I have to tell myself he's not going to get up. He's not going to leave. He's not going to make me feel like I made a mistake. I repeat these three things in my head until he eventually speaks.
    "That's why you asked me that the first night on the beach? About her?" I nod my head and he kisses my forehead and I like us like this. "Okay," he says. I don't know what he means by that but I don't care because he kisses me again and I kiss him back and he roll around on the bottom of the boat and we're wrapped up in the blanket and each other. He strokes my head and tells me stories until I fall asleep on his chest. I don't wake up until the sun does.
    We row back to the pier and we don't talk about last night. Not really, anyway. He smirks when he looks at me and keeps eye contact for too long but I don't blame him because if I could, I'd capture the way he looks right now and keep it in my back pocket forever. "Are you ready to go home?" He's leaning against the passenger side door of the car with a hesitant smile on his face.
    "No, but yes." He pushes himself off the car and kisses me. He lingers on my lips like he doesn't want the moment to end and then he opens my door for me and drives us home. He holds my hand the whole way until we pull into the driveway. Seeing the house puts a pit in my stomach and he asks me if he can kiss me one more time before we go back to the real world and with the entire family still asleep, I say yes.
    The house feels heavier now that my head is so full of secrets and I knock on Belly's door instinctively. She opens the door with a smile on her face. It looks misplaced because she's not supposed to be happy, she's supposed to be hungover, and seeing her happier than I feel inside makes me feel jealous and that makes me feel selfish. "What's wrong?" She asks. The expression on my face was probably clear: guilt, and fear, but not regret. Never regret.
    I start to cry. I feel the tears drip down my cheeks and I try to wipe them away but Belly grabs my wrists and pulls me inside the room before I can and I sob. I collapse into her arms and I cry all over her pajama shirt and she doesn't say anything. I can barely hear myself speaking but I know what I'm saying. Everything is wrong. Everything is wrong. Everything is wrong.