Let Me Help You

Forget about it

"Don't look at me like that."

"You just said you love me, Stevie."

"I know."

"Why are you being so indifferent about this?"

"Because..." She sighed, pulling away from him. "It doesn't matter."

"You can't say that, it matters. It matters a lot! I would have broken up with Lisa if you had told me this yesterday."

"No." Stevie shook her head. "You can't leave her. You're good together."

"But I don't love her."

"She's pretty and nice, I'm... I'm damaged, I'm flawed, I'm not someone you should want to be with, Linds." This was the first time since their reconciliation that she called him that.

"I can't help with whom I'm in love with, Stevie. Nothing and no one will make me stop loving you."

"I'm just not capable of giving you what you want..."

"What is it that you think I want?"

"You said it yourself, you're a man, Lindsey."

"Right, and I want us back together so we can have sex? I'd like to think you know me better than that." He lay down on the sand, shutting his eyes, almost offended by her words.

Stevie kept quiet for a few minutes, looking over his body. He was still so gorgeous, still so beautiful. She wished she hadn't opened up about her feelings, she knew it would only complicate things.

Lindsey was slightly startled, when Stevie lay down beside him, resting her head on his chest and even though he was a little angry, he circled both his arms around her, drawing closer. "I want to... fix you, for lack of a better word. I want to help you sort out your life. I want you to let me love you, Steph. I know what you've been going through has been really tough, but it's in your past, sweetheart. I want you to forget about it."

Her tears soaked in his shirt as she started sobbing and Lindsey got instantly concerned, more than he was before anyway. "You don't know, Lindsey. You can't possibly understand. You don't know how it feels to be forced to be with someone you despise. When you already spent the whole day doing God knows what horrible things against your will with random men, you want to go to bed and sleep, get away from it for a while, but it's not that easy. He comes and gets into bed with you and forces himself onto you, and you can't say no, because you will get hit, you will be called names, and he won't care whether you're ready for him or not, and he won't care if he's going to hurt you. You wake up in the morning, of course that is if you managed to get any sleep at all, you're all sore, your hips hurt, your breasts hurt, but you consider yourself lucky if you don't have to cover up your black eye. You're nothing there, you're a piece of trash. They make it look like it's a classy place, like a club, where men come in to chat, pass their time... It's a load of bullshit, you're tossed from one lap onto another, you crawl on your knees from one to another..."

"Stop, please. Stevie, I can't..."

"What, listen to it? Well, I've lived it, Lindsey. This is why I can't even think of a committed relationship. What you're saying, that you want to help me, I get it and I believe you, but there will come a point when that's not enough anymore and you'll want me in different ways, which I can't be sure I'll be okay with. I'm not saying I'm not going to have sex ever again, but trust me, it's the last thing on my mind, when I have such big open, heavily bleeding wound. And if I'm with you, I want to dedicate myself to you completely. I can't do that..."

"God, I'm sorry for everything..." He tried his best not to start crying with her.

"It's not your fault."

"It is! You wouldn't have got to go through with all this if I fought harder for you, for our music. If we had stayed together, none of this shit would have happened, Stevie."

"If, exactly. You can't be sure. Please, Linds, you're the last person to blame."

"It's just tearing me apart listening to what you're telling me."

"Still, what hurts me the most is that I've lost everyone. I lost you, I lost my friends and I lost my family. The last time I spoke to my parents... Gee, it has to be about two years. And you know how close I used to be with them. Now, I'm just out of their life. It upsets me more than anything."

"You'll get them back, they'll see that you're trying to get back on track, that you left that hole, that you want to be your true self again."

"Let me guess... You'll help me?" She chuckled, surprising him with her sudden mood change.

"You shouldn't laugh, because you guessed it right. Even if you don't want me in your life that way, I'm still not going anywhere, you're simply stuck with me."

They realized it was dark already and Lindsey got up from the sand first, holding out his hand for Stevie. They walked back to his car and started a silent drive home.

Back at Lindsey's place, Stevie was glad to find Lisa awake. She had been going over and over one thing in particular in her had for over a week and she decided it was time she did something about it. When Lindsey went to take a shower, Stevie joined Lisa in the living room.

"Did you have a good day?"

"Yes, wonderful." Stevie smiled, rubbing her hands together. "Umm... Lindsey said I should ask him anything, but this is something I'm more comfortable asking you, despite that we've known each other for two days."

"Sure, of course." Lisa turned the TV off, giving Stevie all of her attention. "How may I help you?"

"I need something..."

"Don't look so scared. I have a feeling it's a women's thing?"

"Yes. I think that I might be..."

Lisa looked around to make sure Lindsey wasn't around. "Pregnant?" Stevie nodded her head, as the other woman took her by the hand and led her upstairs to Stevie's room. "I had similar suspicions not too long ago, I bought a couple of tests. I still have one in this bathroom, so Lindsey doesn't notice." Stevie wasn't exactly comfortable hearing this, but she needed to know. "Here." Lisa gave her what she asked for. "I'll leave you to it. And if you need to talk, I'm right here." Stevie smiled gratefully and then locked the door, once Lisa left.

She didn't take the test immediately, it took her about half an hour to find the courage to do it. She did everything the way the instruction suggested and left the plastic stick for long enough to get the answer. She took a deep breath and looked down to find out whether her gut feeling had been right...