Imperfectly Perfect

The hospital room

When I opened my eyes, I was met with an unfamiliar ceiling and my nostrils hit a smell which I was really familiar with. It didn't take me much time to realise that I was on a hospital bed.

"You woke up" I looked around and saw New sitting on the couch near the bed.

"Yeah. But how did I end up here?"

"I and Tay found you lying unconscious on the floor at your department. So, we took you here. You had a panic attack."

"Ow..."

"Tine... you wanna talk about what happened that day?"

"Huh? What do you mean that day? You are speaking as if you are meeting me after a long time. And by the way, how did you guys know that something was wrong with me"

"Uhm... I called you several times but you did not pick up and it was only 9 pm that time. You never ignored my call like this. We waited till 10 o clock and came to your apartment. But you still didn't answer. So we used the spare key you had given us and we saw you lying on the floor.We took you here and was admitted. You were... you were asleep for 2 days straight."

"W-what??" I couldnt believe what New just said. "New, where is my phone. I need it NOW!"

He must have definitely thought that I was irritated by his messages and was ignoring him by now.

"Here... But Tine, whenever you feel like talking, just know that we are here, okay? And about the panic attack, Is it because of your ex? Did you by any chance talk to him or something?"

I could feel my body feeling cold hearing what New said. Even though I had talked about my ex boyfriend to my friends, I have never mentioned his name to my friends; or worse that I am engaged to my ex and that he is none other than Sarawat Gunthithanon whom he met in his café the other day.

"Can I not talk about him now?" I asked New

"Its fine. You can talk whenever you want. Now, just have your food. Its lunch time now and you have been asleep for 2 days straight. I will go and bring you something to eat.".

I smiled weakly at New, who immediately got up and went to buy food. I am feeling weak and I should probably eat something.

I checked my phone, hoping to see some text some P'Wat. I felt guilt building inside of me and glanced at the mental band on my ring finger. It has his name engraved inside it. I wonder whether I really deserve a second chance. He is too good for someone like me. Before I overthink and get another panic attack, I should check for his messages or call him atleast.

I should talk to New and Tay about who my fiancé is. I made a mental note to myself, after all they are all I have.

P'Wat:

I am really sorry for all these texts I sent yesterday. I didn't mean to offend you or hurt you in anyway. Sorry Tine.

Are you angry with me Tine?

Can I call you ?

Are you busy? Can we meet at the café where we last met?

Tine?

Are you mad at me?

Please forgive me na... I am really sorry.

I was drunk and was not thinking straight.

Its okay if you don't wanna talk. I can understand

I am sorry

Can you text me whenever you feel like?

I hurt him again. My heart is paining again. I don't deserve him. I hate myself for hurting him. There was a missed call from P'Wat and 5 from my mom. I wanted to Phi, but what excuse should I give him for not replying to his text?

My head started paining and I kept my phone aside for now, waiting for New to come.

-

After the lunch I tried to talk to New about Sarawat. But I don't know where to start.

"Hey New, I uhm... I have something to talk about."

"Tell me. I am all ears."

" you remember Sarawat? The guy I introduced you to that day? He... Uhm.. He is actually my fiancé. I got engaged when I went home the last time."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that day."

"No, I mean He is my fiancé. And... also the boy I dated back then..." I finished my sentenced nervously, waiting for my friend to burst at me. But he was unusually calm. I looked at him and he was already looking at me with his hands folded at his chest.

"How do you want me to react after hearing this? Should I act surprised? Shocked? Or should I just yell at you for getting engaged to your ex whose memories are still haunting you? No. I am gonna do anything. Because I already knew about it before. I was waiting for you to tell me. Tine, this is your life. We cannot control you or force you to stay away from him. I know you did the engagement under your parents' influence, but we all know that we have never moved on from. You still love him and you being here, in this hospital after having a panic attack and seizure is a proof of that."

That's it. That was the last straw. My eyes blurred and I started crying. But this time, New came to my side and gave me a hug. I sat on my hospital bed and started crying, hugging New, with him patting my head.

"I.. I am sorry" I managed to say in between the tears " I still love him New. You are right, I love him. I never ever stopped loving him. But I hurt him and I am still hurting him New... I don't deserve him..." I said those words weeping. I have always controlled my emotions. But today I coudnt hide them anymore. So I did what should have done earlier, I poured all my emotions out and decided to share with him my story, to tell him about the real me, something I have never said to anyone in my life.