Undercover - In China - Book 7

Part 29 - Fire, Stone and Water

We tried making a few sticky rice but we couldn't wrap the bamboo leaves around the right amount of sticky rice, meat, sausages and eggs.

'Do you think this work experience would get me a job at McDonald's?' Miguel asked. 

 'Only if you can persuade McDonald's to serve noodles with taro root, tofu and boiled dumplings' Licia laughed.

By evening, the courtyard was full of simmering pots of tea, rice, noodles, soups, tofu and taro roots. All the tables were loaded with bowls and baskets of chopped ginger, sugar cane, long cabbages, eggs, pancakes and steamed buns, giant white Chinese radishes (lor bak) and, an astonishing assortment of herbs, spices, sauces and beans. 

 Chief cook, Mao Ying, caught a merry, crowd of noodle makers sampling the wine. He ordered an officer to guard the jars of wine and warned him to change the guards often.

We wandered around sampling dried mango and slices of ginger root preserved in sugar. 'Mmm, these little red fruit things are delicious,' Licia remarked. I wonder what the green ones taste like.' She popped one into her mouth and chewed. 'Mmm. Try one they're goo-hhh-ottt!' 

 'What's the matter?' Miguel asked but Licia was unable to reply because she had all eight fingers in her mouth. Her face was bright pink, her eyes were bulging and her mouth was wide open with her lips pulled back in a horrible grimace. Tears were trickling from her eyes and mucus was streaming from her nose. When she could finally speak, she said, 'Wah-ha. Wah-hah.' 

 Licia suddenly moved so quickly I found myself looking at a cloud of dust where she had been standing. When I saw her again, she was at the well with her head immersed in a bucket of water. She kept her face underwater until I thought she was about to drown and then she came up gasping for air and spouting water. A piece of weed hung over her left ear. Miguel and I were convulsed with laughter. 

 'A very sympathetic audience you are!' Licia sniffed sarcastically as she spat out a mouthful of water and picked bits of green stuff from her teeth.

Xuande, Zhang Fei and Lord Guan returned from their sortie just as the cooks started serving food. Miguel and I found things like headless frogs, insect larvae, chicken feet and fish eyes, too strange for our taste but most of the food was excellent and, when we were all stuffed with food, Xuande invited us to his office where we sat around joking about how they had first met Kongming. Dr Zhang translated.

'I remember that first trip very well,' Zhang Fei told us. 'Xuande insisted on dragged us to Kongming's farm in the middle of winter. The snow was up to the horses' asses. It took us days to get there. And then, Lord Bumpkin was not at home. So I was just a tiny bit upset. ' Lord Guan laughed. 'Kongming must have impressed Zhang Fei. He used to call him Country Bumpkin.'

 'When we finally caught him at home,' Zhang Fei said, 'Xuande and Kongming spent hours telling each other they lacked the ability to defeat Cho Cho. We were all in tears by the time Kongming agreed to join us.'

Lord Guan said, 'Kongming is twenty years younger than we are, with little experience of the real world. I thought all his knowledge came from books.' 

 'True,' Xuande replied. 'But you must agree, his masterful fire trap at Bowang allowed us to defeat Cho Cho's vanguard.'

Soon after, Kongming rejoined us with the news that Cho Cho was again approaching with an advance guard of three thousand elite troops with another fifty mahn right behind them. Zhang Fei's eyes bulged and his mouth dropped open. He looked so comical, Licia laughed.

'One mahn is ten thousand,' Dr Zhang explained. 'Fifty mahn is half a million men.' 

 Zhang Fei stared at Kongming incredulously. 'I didn't know there were that many soldiers under heaven. How many do we have? Three thousand? This is not going to be so easy.' 

 Lord Guan chuckled. 'That doesn't sound like you, Yi-de. Fifty mahn - Ha! - they will just get in each other's way. All you have to do is shout and they will run away.' 

 Lord Guan turned to Kongming. 'I suggest strategy thirty six. Evade the Enemy to Preserve the Troops.'

'Yes,' agreed Kongming mildly. 'There is no disgrace in retreat and we don't have to fight them all at the same time. Kongming smiled enigmatically at Licia, 'So we will use Lee-Xia's plan to defeat Cho Cho's general, Cho Ren.' Fire, Stone and Water will leave him fighting with shadows.'

 'My plan?' Licia looked puzzled but Kongming had already walked out of the room.

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