Barren Crossroads

Complicated

She stared up at the twinkling lights, counting constellations, and tracing nonsensical shapes with her eyes while she listed to Rick pant next to her. After several minutes, when it appeared that Rick wasn't going to speak, she did. "I'm so sorry," she said in à near whisper. She almost hoped he wouldn't hear her and they wouldn't have to talk about it at all.

"You didn't have à choice," he said softly, and his voice was still raspy from the coughing and the lack of air.

"I could have killed her sooner," Kaelie said. It was true, but it wasn't that simple. She knew that, but it didn't stop the fog of guilt that shrouded her in shame.

"Maybe. Maybe not. She could have shot you, or me. You did what you could," he told her and his soft acceptance, his forgiveness felt like it was going to break her apart.

"Why aren't you mad?" she asked, and her voice was very small.

"What good is that going to do? She's dead. I'm alive, thanks to you. You're alive. That's all that matters to me," he said. "Let's go back to the house, love. It's warmer at least. I don't think we need to worry about uninvited guests anymore."

She nodded even though he couldn't see her, and rolled over to push herself to her feet. She leaned back down and offered her hand to him. His calloused, rough palm closed around hers and she pulled him to his feet. He swayed à little and she braced à hand on his chest to support him. "Can you walk?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he said in à gruff voice, but he didn't move to push her off him.

Kaelie didn't say anything about the pet name that slipped out either.

Chapter 18

Complicated

Rick's throat felt like fire, or like he'd swallowed glass. The fire he'd started earlier that evening was still burning in the hearth and cast deep shadows over Kaelie's beautiful, exhausted face. Her green eye was luminous in the darkness, but her brows were pulled low, and as much as she was supporting him, she looked very far away. He longed to soothe the hurt out of her expression.

She tilted her head down, and her shoulders hunched as she set him down on the floor and brought some cushions from the couch to settle around him. She sat on the floor with him, but away from him, like she was afraid to touch him anymore. Like she was ashamed, or scared, or waiting for him to lash out and scream at her, or hit her. She kept giving him furtive glances, and had her knees pulled into her chest, with her arms wrapped so tightly around them that her fingers were white where she clasped them around her arms.

"I was so scared," she said, and it was so quiet that Rick almost didn't hear her, and she'd turned her head away from him to stare into the fire. The flames shimmered on her hair and turned the dark red strands copper.

His heart ached with longing and sadness for her. "Me too," he admitted. "It was so quiet, when the dirt covered me. And I could feel it in my mouth, covering my tongue. It was heavy and after à while I couldn't move, and it got harder and harder to breathe. I don't know when I passed out. I don't know how long it had been since I stopped breathing. I knew I was gone, and I wasn't thinking anything- not anything that made sense. I knew I wouldn't be able to see you again- and that's what scared me."

"I thought you were gone," she said. "Every shovel full, I was so scared I could barely move, and then the numbness took over and I killed her and I thought it was over but when I dug you out, and you were just laying there... You were so pale. And you weren't breathing and I couldn't get you to breath or to wake up. I thought you were gone, I thought I'd lost you too, I had gotten you killed too, and I was going to be alone because everyone around gets hurt or dies. When you finally opened your eyes and took à breathe, I haven't felt that kind of relief or hope in so long. I'm so sorry."