my 'the summer i turned pretty'

i think it's time to give up

a/n - there are about two chapters that were supposed to be posted before this but i'm still working on them. things may be a bit confusing as i talked about some things yet that i mention in this chapter, however those chapters will be up soon and leave off on a much happier and cuter note than this :) thanks for reading!

november 2022.

we went to their house today for thanksgiving. i expected so much to happen between me and jeremiah but it went back to how things were before our 'date'. i thought we'd watch my favorite movie, go on a walk together, do face masks, or just even talk and catch up with each other.

i've liked him for so long but haven't really gotten anywhere.... for the most part. i feel like i might just be wasting my time liking jeremiah. many boys are out there- i've even liked a few of them- but we can't get very far because a thought in the back of my mind always stops me.

it's the thought of "what if, jeremiah does like me back?" that's always on my mind. i don't want him to think i'm with a guy if that happens so i've tried my best to avoid situations such as that. but i'm getting tired of it. it's my junior year, i've waited around for him far too long and i want to start having a more fun dating life.

so maybe it's time for my to just give up. put the past behind me and move forward. maybe start going on dates with the guys in my school instead of a guy that lives far away. guys that i could see almost daily instead of a guy i see once or twice a month.

but i can't. i'm not ready to leave him behind. i feel like my life will loose all it's excitement. seeing him every month gives me something to look forward to and gives me a thrill. how am i supposed to let go of something i've spent practically my entire life longing for?

it's impossible.

i don't know if i'll ever my able to stop loving any of the fisher boys. not much has happened with conrad recently but during dinner last night he was leaving with his girlfrind to go visit one of their friends. i was upstairs with jeremiah in his room, but conrad ran all the way upstairs and came into jeremaih's room where we were. their relationship has been a bit rocky these past few months so this was something he wouldn't do normally. even jeremiah had a puzzeled look when he saw conrad in the doorway. conrad look at me and said hi while jeremiah stepped out of the room. i walked up to him and replied back 'hi?'. 'nicole and i are leaving.' he said. i don't know why he felt the need to tell me that so i just stared at him. 'so bye?' he said and opened his arms for a hug.

i can't believe he came all the way up here to say goodbye.

it's moments like that that i'm not ready to let go. moments that bring so much wonder and excitment into my mundane life.

i don't think i'll be able to do so unless i hear it from them directly that they don't like me. that they don't have any feelings for me whatsoever and that they never even thought about our relationship like that. i am growing impatient and i want to move on. so i might try to ask jeremiah about it when i see him in a few days. i don't know how i'll do it, or if it'll even come up but at least i'll try. i want to hear his side of the story.

and maybe, just maybe, there's a chance he'll tell me i'm not crazy. that he's liked me this entire time too-

love, belly conklin <3