Hearts in the Deep (Johnnyboy)

Chapter 6: You're Safe with Me

-Johnny's POV-

(mentions of eating disorders)

"Everything is just peachy, Johnny, it's probably fine." He declared. 

I knew he was lying to my face. I always can tell when he's lying. It's like a sense or something I have, I guess. I know he lies to himself all the time, hoping that one day he'll believe himself, but he never does. I don't think it'll happen anytime soon either. He really should stop with that habit. It's bad for his brain and I'm really worried for him. He's changed a lot lately. After I got out of the hospital from the church fire, he seems more anxious. Definitely more pale and skinnier too. 

"That's the same exact lie you tell yourself, Ponyboy! Quit that! If you ain't convincing yourself with that lie, then you surely ain't gonna convince me!" I snapped at him, I was tired of him not asking for help. I want to help him, I really do, but it's difficult when he doesn't let me. 

I sighed. "Pony, I just wanna help, you hear? I can't help you if you ain't gonna let me try.. please Pony.. let me help."

He looked at me with the saddest look ever in his eyes. It broke my heart to see him like this. That's why I want to help him, so I can see Pony happy. I'd give anything to see him happy. I gave him a gentle smile and the poor boy collapsed into my arms. He hugged me tightly as he started sobbing into my chest. I hugged him back as well as playing with his hair, it seemed to help him calm down slightly. 

"Shh.. It's alright Pones.. get it outta your system, and then we can talk about what's going on.." I reassured him gently, feeling him nod against my chest. Man, he's only fourteen. That's mighty young for what he's been through. The church incident was even too much for me. I couldn't imagine what it was like for him.

 So I just sat there rubbing his back as he sobbed into my chest. I held him tightly like if I let go I was gonna lose him. That could be a possibility though. I held him tighter at that thought. I couldn't lose Ponyboy for sure. Anybody but him. He sniffled as he slowly stopped crying, but he didn't move out of my grip. 

"Do you wanna talk about it Pony..?" I pushed on gently, running my hand through his soft, greased hair. 

"I g-guess so.. It ain't like I h-have much of a choice.." Ponyboy said as he finally sat up, only to rest his head on my shoulder instead of my chest. I didn't mind at all actually.

He went on, "I-I.. I haven't been eating well lately, Johnny.. it's like t-these voices.. they tell me bad things about myself... l-like I ain't worthy and stuff.."

He was talking pretty quietly, but I could still hear him. "Are they saying stuff about your weight, Pony? Tell me everything... I'll listen.."

"Y-yea.." he replied, "they say s-stuff like that all the t-time.. It doesn't m-make me feel okay.. it m-makes me... n-not wanna be here... a-anymore.." he sniffled, trailing off. Perfect timing too because Darry walked in and I rolled over so I was on my knees. I started to mess with Ponyboy's hair, hiding his face. I'm sure he didn't want Darry knowing this stuff or seeing him cry. 

"Oh.. Pony stop movin' I need to fix your hair." I exclaimed, hoping Ponyboy would catch on, and he did.

"Y-you messed it up in-.. in the first place!" he stumbled through.

"Jeez, good morning you two, having fun?" Darry chuckled from somewhere behind me.

"Yea, if Ponyboy would stop movin'.." I replied, not paying attention to Darry as I wiped some tears off of Pony's cheek.

"Ow-" Ponyboy said fakely, "Stop pullin! It ain't gonna kill y-you if my hairs outta place."

"Well ya look lousy." I gave myself a mental slap, he probably took that to heart with the state he's in. 

"Alright, well I'm off to work, I won't be back for awhile, I'm working overtime today." Darry said as he walked out of the kitchen with some coffee. I didn't even realize he had gotten any coffee.

"You always work overtime.." Pony mumbled as he huffed, sitting back. I sat back on the couch too.

"Yea, well how else am I supposed to pay the bills? Soda ain't allowed overtime and he doesn't get payed much cause he's not even eighteen yet." Darry mentioned, tucking his shirt into his pants. How does he change from doing one thing to another so fast? Why do I never notice? Is this why Steve calls him 'super dope'?

Ponyboy just got up and walked into his and Soda's shared room, me following close behind him. He sat on the bed, and I closed the door, then went and sat beside him. 

"How about lets finish our conversation?" I urged him on gently, and he nodded slightly.

"Sure.." he began to speak again as I rubbed his back, "I just.. I'm so tired.. I try to sleep, but it doesn't work.. I'm still so tired... Johnny.. I.. I don't know w-what to do anymore.." He looked up at me with his eyes watering, on the verge of tears, and his voice quavering. The sight hurt me.

I pulled him into a hug. "Shhh... It's alright Pones.. I got you..." 

He shifted under my arms, hugging me back and nuzzling his face into my shoulder.

"I'm sorry.." He whispered.

"Don't be." I replied, "None of this is your fault, Pony.. You've been through a lot.. I know how that feels. Like nobody's there for you. I promise you Ponyboy.. I'm always gonna be there for you. I'll listen. I understand.." 

"You promise...?"

"I promise. You're safe with me." I reassured.

(968 words)