Hearts in the Deep (Johnnyboy)

Chapter 5: Flying Dinosaurs. No, Giraffes.

-Ponyboy's POV-

(this chapter may contain mentions of an eating disorder, vomiting, and negative self-talk)

"No, I ain't hungry.." I said as I pushed my plate away. Johnny had asked if I was hungry; he had noticed that I didn't eat much. I knew I should've made it look like I ate more. I can't do anything right. I can't even keep food down for fuck sake! I felt so nauseous. 

"I need to use the bathroom, I'll be right back Johnnycakes." I notified him, standing up. I notice him smile very slightly before nodding. Oh, his smile made my stomach twist, and that's not such a good mix with nausea.

"Alright," I heard Johnny say while I was walking out of the the kitchen and towards the bathroom. 

I sighed as I shut the door behind me, locking it. Usually doors are never locked, but Soda's about to go to work and Darry is still sleeping. Jesus Ponyboy, you can't even follow simple rules such as unlocked doors? I shook my head at myself as I rushed for the toilet. I vomited. For a good minute or so too. I stopped and just sat there, but then I heard the front door open and close. That means Sodapop has left for work, and now it's just Johnny, me, and a snoring Darry. I closed the toilet lid as I sat back against the wall for a second before deciding to get up. 

I walked over to the sink to wash my hands and face off, but I made a huge mistake of looking up. Into the mirror. I saw how pale I looked. Man. When was the last time I ate and actually kept it down? Or even tried to eat? Gosh, I don't even remember. I moved onto my eyes. My grey eyes. I tried to convince myself that they were grey millions of times, but they're not. They're green. I hate guys with green eyes. So I guess that means I hate myself too. I moved onto my lips. They're chapped and chewed. Why would anybody want to look at me like this? I look disgusting. I grazed my finger tip over my bottom lip. My hands. My fingers look fat and my nails are chewed. That's why I don't have a girlfriend. Why would anyone want to hold my hands? I noticed my abdomen. It was covered by a shirt basically hanging on my shoulders. I was fat. Track season was over so I didn't have to worry about fainting on the fields, or being picked on by others for my body. They say I'm fat too. I am. 

My thoughts got abruptly intervened with as I heard the doorknob rattle. I startled myself as I turned the sink off and turned to the door, unlocking and opening it. There right before me stood the one and only, Johnny Cade. 

"Hey," I greeted, going on, "You could've hollered for me. You didn't have to rattle the knob." I chuckled.

"I did.." Johnny replied, looking at me concerned, "I hollered for you, sang your name, threatened to run off with your 'Gone With the Wind' book... I tried everything. Well, almost. I was gonna knock next." 

"Oh..." I said, furrowing my brows. I guess I was lost in thought. I had to think of something quickly. What would Soda do?

Yes. I got it.

"Is that a dinosaur flying outside..?" I questioned, pretending to see something outside of the window.

"Ponyboy what the fuck." He sighed, staring at me like I just said the stupidest thing in the history of the universe.

I did.

"Umm.. Would you believe me if I said it was a giraffe instead..?" I almost whispered, looking at the ground. 

I could feel his eyes on me for a second before he answered. "...No. A dinosaur would make more sense if they weren't extinct. Giraffes make no sense at all, Pony. What are you on about?"

"Oh, nothing!" I laughed, walking by him to sit on the couch. I really don't know why I said what I did. It's just sometimes I don't use my head. I'm awfully stupid.

"Okay," Johnny said as he walked over and sat next to me. "What were you doing in the bathroom..? If it's alright to ask of course."

"I was using the bathroom." I stated blankly.

"Well, yea, but Ponyboy.. somethin' seems off.." Johnny mumbled, looking down at his hands. He was fidgety and seemed sad.

"Everything is just peachy, Johnny, I swear it's probably nothing." I lied.

"That's the same exact lie you tell yourself, Ponyboy! Quit that! If you ain't convincing yourself with that lie, then you surely ain't gonna convince me!" he snapped, making straight up eye contact with me.

Oh shit.

(783 words)