TURBULENT / XIAOVEN

thirty six

authors notes: can u ppl believe that this fic is gonna be a whole year old in a few months.. dear Lord. thank u all for sticking by my side during this fic! i know that ive put u guys during hell but i hope this is all worth it!!
also im not sure if im going to address it further in the fic but. fyi xiao is in fact a csa survivor so that explains A LOT of his behavior but also no mean comments bc i am a csa survivor too and mean comments will get deleted xoxo (unless i feel like fighting then i will reply)

lily qotd: zhongli got the babygirl disease!!!

cws– implications of abuse, murder, nightmares & loss of memory !!

also some of xiaos memories r revealed in this chap but his deadname is not mentioned and xiao is referred to with he/him pronouns.

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the static of the radio station mixed with jumbled words passes by as xiao taps on the wheel of the car. his brain feels like it's running a hundred miles right now. he can't forget that sight that his brain decided to reveal to him. he didn't know what that was. he knows it was zhongli rubbing blood off of his hands as a child but he can't piece together if that was real or not.

he'd never seen zhongli so horrified by him. what had he done to make zhongli tremble and softly cry at the sight of him? he was a child, he couldn't possibly have done something drastic, he thinks but something in his brain screams at him that no, you're wrong– but something shouts back at him: it can't be wrong, this is who you are.

xiao thinks of the blood-stained hands of his nine year old self. the soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts, xiao recalls. his father would say things as such and it was confusing for xiao at the time but he understands now. his soul must be the darkest red in the universe.

xiao turns the knob of the radio station down as he drives onto the pavement near his house. he can see qiqi running out of the doorway as he parks the car haphazardly and exits the car. qiqi is shouting as venti follows close by with a jacket in his arms as she smiles widely.

"gege!" she shouts as xiao picks her up in his arms. she grins as she wraps her chubby arms around his neck. it feels nice, almost perfect but something in the back of his mind scratches at his mind– the blood and the horror of his memories that were slowly appearing.

"is everything alright?"

venti's voice shakes him out of his thoughts. right, he had venti. venti who cares for him and would always be by his side no matter what. that's right.

"um," xiao hesitates, "i don't know."

"okay," venti says slowly before he takes qiqi from xiao's arms, holding her in his own grasp as if he were her father, "i know you don't really like to talk about things because you get uncomfortable but if you want to, just tell me, okay?"

xiao nods but he doesn't think he would ever willingly tell venti. what would he tell him? that he has dreams where he has blood all over his hands with no explanation as zhongli cries whilst he wipes it off rapidly?

"of course." 

everyone is happy to see him which doesn't shock him, everyone is always terrified of the fact that any of them could die out any time now. people grin and hug xiao (he does not mention how he feels like peeling his skin off when people other than qiqi and venti hug him.)

zhongli glances at him with a furrow in his brow as he wraps his arms around his brother, "something is wrong."

xiao frowns as he looks into zhongli's dark eyes, "no, i'm not sure what you're talking about."