TURBULENT / XIAOVEN

thirty one

authors notes: uhm. this chapter is UH. lily did not beta read this all the way bc the way xingqiu speaks in this chapter was very uncomfortable for her so apologies for any mistakes there! tried my best to correct it and proofread!

btw i wrote this all in a single night can u tell that im soo good at planning and i definitely didn't wake up at 2am to write this bc i had a dream of what should happen in this fic.... lol.

lily qotd: me when xingqiu acts out even though i know he is losing his sense of self and slowly deteriorating- bitch what if i just shot you right now

cws- implications of childhood sa, abuse, murder, ableism & xiao has a meltdown </3 

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chongyun doesn't know why xingqiu is screaming at him. sure, chongyun tends to mess up a lot but it's just because he didn't know, not that he didn't understand. but this? the yelling? he didn't understand. this wasn't xingqiu, he knows this but something inside of him says what if it is? what if xingqiu was filled with rage that he pushed down until now? xingqiu is sick, chongyun reminds himself, he can't control this unbridled rage inside of him but chongyun wishes he really, really could.

he didn't like the way xingqiu was gripping onto his shoulders so hard that chongyun feels as if he would have blood marks in the crescent shape of xingqiu's nails.

"i'm sorry! i'm sorry!" chongyun whimpers. he has no idea what he's sorry about or why he's apologizing, he just wants this over with. he wants the sweet loving boy he's always known, not this horrifying monster in the shape of his lover.

chongyun can hear distant footsteps running around the house and he hopes that soon someone will come for him.

"you're just watching me. help me," xingqiu begs but his tone of voice sounds so terrifying that chongyun doesn't know if he's genuinely begging or somehow threatening him, "i'm dying and rotting, i'm practically losing myself and you won't do a fucking thing."

"i... i can't do anything." chongyun says softly and he hopes xingqiu will somehow calm down and leave him alone after that but he doesn't.

"of course you can't." xingqiu chuckles softly as if he were scoffing at the other man, "you've never done anything. just stood there, cowardly."

chongyun wants to sob. stop, stop stop. he wants to yell at xingqiu to stop but it's true. he's never done anything. when they were in school and people would bully him, he would take the punches no matter how much it hurt. when the zombies started coming in, xingqiu and xiangling protected him, not the other way around. that's how she died, protecting someone like him who didn't deserve it. when chongyun looked outside the inn window and saw xiao pointing a gun at a man who he now knows at venti, he did nothing to even try and stop it. all he could do was stare and wait in fear. when xiao had gotten his eye scratched out, chongyun could only stare at him while everyone was trying their best to help him.

chongyun's never done anything, has he?

xingqiu stares at chongyun's face in deep thought and giggles to himself, "you agree, don't you?"

chongyun nods slowly and quickly one of xingqiu's hands from his shoulders shoot up to grab a fistful of chongyun's hair at the crown of his head, tilting his head back to reveal his neck,

chongyun is silent as his heart drops and xingqiu grins widely as his eyes shoot from chongyuns face to his neck, "you'd taste so good, don't you think?"