Midnights of Us

Prologue

"WHAT is your greatest fear?" A lady on a tv show asked a quick question to an artist.

I grabbed a bag of chips and opened it with my hands without breaking my focus. I wanted to know what their answer is. I wanted to check if someone out there also feels the same way as me.

"Losing someone I love," the artist finally answered. That's when I feel my tensioned guts settling down. Pero 'yun na ba talaga ang lahat? Is there anyone out there afraid of disappointing people? Afraid of commiting a sin? Afraid of being alone or left out? Afraid of hurting someone?

There's so much of it. But I can only name a few. That's frustrating. I need more bags of chips to fill the stress-induced gaps in my abdomen. It feels horrible, I wanted to smash my body in a wall. Squish it, or bang my head until I start to liquify and dissolve in an instant until I won't feel horrible anymore. But my mind, instead, starts distorting my image into a monster I hate so much.

She has a feature of a creature that nobody wants to look at, and if anybody could peek inside my head, they'd probably get disgusted at me. I want it to stop. I want it to stop. I want it to stop. Please i'm begging all the saints in heaven to erase the monster in my mind.  I'm begging everyone not to leave me alone in case they see me like this.

"Juliet." I snapped back to reality as I heard a voice near me. My mind is still in haywire, but I managed to see who it was. Tita Sheryl, the owner of this house, is sitting infront of me. Her hand is on top of my shoulder as if she's trying to wake me up.

"Kanina ka pa hinahanap ng tita mo, you should really go back to the wake first," she seriously said. Piniga pa niya ng kaunti ang balikat ko as if giving me comfort and support sa mga bagay na mangyayari pa lang. I took a deep breath to calm myself down, but to no avail. Mahirap kalabanin ang takot, lalo na kapag alam mong paparating na ito sa'yo.

"Sheryl, nariyan ba ang pamangkin ko?"
"Oo, pero hayaan na muna siguro natin ang bata, parang ayaw niya sa mga lamay..."

Naririnig ko ang mga boses nila sa labas at alam kong ako ang pinag-uusapan... How many of these people talk about me? Bad issues, small issues, it's still the same. I can't handle hearing my name when it's tarnished. But I wanted to know how people ruin me behind my back.

One, two, three, four, five, one, two, three, four, five, one, two, three, four, five, one, two, three, four, five.

I don't know where I learned that, but everytime i'm tensed and I have to calm down, I count numbers up to five—but sometimes I make it ten or sixty. It makes me think straight afterwards. Although, sometimes if it doesn't work, I tend to erase my emotions one by one 'til there's nothing left.

Bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto kung nasaan ako, ilang minuto lang ang nakakaraan, which I already expected.
"Juliet." I heard tita said by the door. I know, from the tone of her voice, I have to obey and look at her right now, or else...

"Susunod ako tita," I said after turning to her. There are no emotions to read in her eyes, she's a calm before the storm. She would never scold me infront of somebody, that would be a taboo to her principle of perfection. Poor thing. "Lilinisin ko lang muna ang mga kalat—"

"I need you, to follow me, now." There's an authority in her voice that used to scare me. Right now, I just can't feel anything—not even remorse... not even the fear that usually controls me. I stood up, picking empty bags of chips, cleaning my garbages while I made them watch me do the complete opposite of her demand.

"Rome, come here. Tulungan mo si Juliet." Tita Sheryl's voice gave a hint of nervousness since tita's presence alone is intimidating enough. If you haven't been with her since forever, you'd never get used to it. Lahat sila takot sa kaniya, well, right now I don't, so it's a bit consoling.

Ilang saglit pa ay may pumasok sa kwarto at tinulungan ako sa pagpupulot, mas nagiging mabilis tuloy 'yung gawain. As soon as we're done, I hurriedly tried to look at his face which I managed to picture out before he hastily left, carrying a bagful of garbages.

So... He must be Rome. I always see him around everytime I go here, but he never talked. He even never smiled at all. He's probably not even close to tita Sheryl's only son, Ranjay, because I never saw them interact.

I have no idea of what to call him... but he's pretty boring and interesting at the same time. Maybe because i'm a firm believer of the quote that says 'silence speaks a thousand of words'.

What lies beneath the silence is a treasure that either needs to be kept hidden forever—or it longs to be found and understood.

I took a one last glance to tita Sheryl that's now giving me a comforting smile. I just bowed my head to her while I scan my eyes in every part of their house until I see him. At the far end corner of their lawn, there's Rome, staring at me.

Muntik na akong makaladkad nang hilain ako ni tita palapit sa kaniya at nagsimulang maglakad ng mabilis.  As I looked at her face, there's still no emotions in her eyes, but her shaking hands that's been tightly gripping my arm, gave an overwhelming churn in my guts.

"Wala kang hiya. Sumusulong sa bahay ng mga lalake,  kababae mong tao, Juliet. Magkaroon ka naman ng delicadeza."

"Hindi ka ba marunong tumingin ng pwedeng maitulong? Hindi na nga umuwi 'yang nanay mo sa lamay ng mismo naming kapatid, magiging inutil ka pa!"

"Sa susunod na gagawin mo pa 'to, ipapahiya talaga kita sa harapan ng ibang mga tao rito bwisit ka."

I can't count from one to sixty at this point...

I can't erase my feelings either.