Midnights of Us

Chapter One

"Hindi nga ako pinauwi ng boss namin! Pwede ba, Kristine? Matuto ka namang umintindi."

"Umintindi? At ako pa ngayon ang mali? Gayong ikaw 'tong wala na ngang naitulong—"

"Ako ang nagbayad sa halos lahat ng nga gastusin. Akala ko ba maayos na napag-usapan na natin 'to? Anong pinagpuputok niyang butsi mo?"

"Hindi ka man lang nalulungkot na wala na ang kapatid natin. Wala ka man lang bang pakealam na pinatay siya mismo ng kinakasama niya? Lintik naman, Katrina!"

This isn't the first time I ever hear them fight. But this might be the most heavy one of all. It's been two years since it happened, pero hindi pa rin nakaka-move on si tita. The passing of their sister was the most devastating phase of her, so as for me. Because since then, everytime something stresses her out, sa akin niya ibinubunton.

I closed my eyes, trying to feel something in this situation, but there's none. I feel like a dead star who never shined in the first place. A black hole that never knew it's place. It eats me wherever I go as I suck everybody's soul whenever they get close to me.

Do I even deserve this pain?

"Edi sana sinabi mo noon pa na ayaw mo naman pala talagang bantayan ang anak ko kung sisisihin mo lang din naman pala kami na buto't balat kung maghanap ng ikabubuhay ng anak namin, edi sana nag-anak ka na rin para malaman mo kung gaano ka hirap—"

I tightly closed my eyes as soon as I heard a slap... Don't hurt my mother, please.

"Lumayas na kayo rito."

"Fine! Aalis talaga kami! Walang may gustong makasama ang mga tulad mong walang kasing sama ang ugali. Ipokrita!"

I can hear footsteps that seems like walking hastily towards the door of my room. Ilang saglit pa ay narinig kong bumukas ito, I remained in my position—eyes closed with both of my hands overlapping above my abdomen—am I dead? I guess I am. That's how my position wants to say. Ask me if i'm still alive.

"Bumangon ka na riyan, Juliet. We need to pack our things, aalis na tayo sa walang kwentang bahay na 'to." I immediately got up, like a puppet who's way too obedient of their puppeteer. Although, the difference is, I obey almost all people around me. I don't know them. But I obey to fit in.

Is it sad? Sometimes I can feel it is, but mostly, at the end of the day, everything doesn't matter.

"Paano 'yung bata? Nag-aaral pa 'yan. Ano? Hahayaan mo na lang maging bulakbol?" tita Kristine pointed out. Dito na ako natauhan at napatingin kay mommy. What now? Decision niyo lang naman ang hinihintay ko. Handa akong sundin kung anuman 'yan.

But as soon as she sighed while looking at me, I suddenly opened my mouth to speak my mind.

Three weeks before.

Muntik na akong ma-late ulit sa pagpasok sa school. Buti na lang nakaabot pa ako sa loob bago magsara ang gate at hindi nakunan ng ID. Mabilis na tinakbo ko ang mahabang pathway dahil hindi ako pwede mahuli sa klase, mapapagalitan na naman ako ng homeroom teacher namin.

It always happen. Natututo naman ako kapag pinapangaralan, pero ilang araw lang ang lumilipas, bumabalik na naman ako sa mga pagkakamali ko. Wala nang katapusan ang ganitong cycle, nakakasawa, nakakapagod, pero hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako ganito ka consistent sa pagiging inconsistent at irresponsable kung sakto naman ako sa disiplina ng iba. Ilang beses ko na ring pinaparusahan ang sarili kapag nagkakamali, pero wala pa ring pagbabagong nagaganap.

I feel like i'm having a shortage of breath as soon as I saw our classroom, atlast. Halos lahat ng mga estudyante ay nasa klase na kaya 'di ko matantya ang kaba ko. I was holding my chest to ease the pain i'm feeling while my other hand wanted to hold my aching head, pero hindi ko ito pwedeng tanggalin sa pagkakalapat sa dingding at baka mawalan ako ng balanse.

"Okay ka lang?"

I feel hands holding my shoulders to support my weight. Hinayaan ko lang siya ng ilang saglit because I admit I badly need his help at this moment.

"You don't need to run fast when you're already late, Juliet. As if that will change anything, mapapagalitan ka pa rin naman." His familiar voice got me shocked in no time because I never expected him to interact with me.

"C-Clyde." Eyebrows twitching, eyes staring at him widely, I tried to mumble his name just to make sure this is not a delusion. He's been the man of my dreams for years. A close guy friend I once had... but all of a sudden, after confessing his feelings, he never talked to me again.

I've done stupid things just to make him look at me again, even after knowing that he already got a new girl, because I badly want to know why. Why did he suddenly left me hanging? Maybe i've said something wrong? Or maybe i'm not beautiful and smart enough for him compared to his girlfriend.

But it's a blessing in disguise, because even if I badly want him to be mine, i'm not confident enough to fight for our love infront of my parents, specially tita who's way too strict. She can drag me out in the open to embarrass me for being a slut just because I had a boyfriend.

"T-Thank you," I managed to say before he smiled and walked away. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin hanggang sa pumasok siya sa classroom nila.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto pa akong nakatayo at napatitig sa kawalan matapos siyang mawala sa paningin ko. 'Cause I was left dumbfounded. 'Cause everything is slowly sinking in again. That him, leaving me, is my fault... He may never admit it, no matter what reason that is, but with his actions, I know i'm the one to blame.

My eyebrows twitched when one of Clyde's classmates hurriedly came out from their room. She's holding books against her chest with her head facing down the ground. I was about to quickly dodge but she already bumped into me, causing her books to scatter around.

Agad akong napayuko at tinulungan siyang pulutin ang mga gamit niya when I saw weird sketches on one of them. Kasabay nun ay ang hindi sinasadyang pagtingin ko sa mga kamay niyang puno ng galos. Narinig ko siyang magpasalamat sa akin kahit hindi ko na siya natulungan dahil sa gulat.

She's cutting her skin... I wonder why they do that... No, I wonder how it feels like... To put a wound in your flesh, but i'm sure tita would just scold me. Mom will only worry. And it won't also do me any good, takot ako sa dugo... But somehow... I think doing it is satisfying at some point, shall I try, sometimes?

***

"Rosieeeee," I called. It's finally afternoon and we're about to go home a few minutes from now. Vacant time namin kaya maraming oras ang barkada to talk about some things. "I saw Clyde kanina kaya na-late ako, crush ko pa rin siya after five years." I pouted. She just chuckled with my resolve and hugged me like a supportive big sister kahit na magkasing-edad lang kami.

"Nako, Julie. Sa dinami-dami ng pwedeng maging crush, 'yung taken pa talaga ha."

"Marami naman akong crush sa tabi-tabi," I said while faking a laugh. "Pero siya pa rin talaga." She gave me a consoling pat in the back and was about to say something when one of our friends, Kria, leaned forward, as if she's gonna say something important.

"Listen, hindi ba kayo nagtataka kung bakit wala si Brie ngayon?" she asked. Nagkatinginan naman kaming lima at kunot-noo'ng bumaling ulit sa kaniya. "What about Brie?" I asked.

"Kaya nga, she told me aabsent siya kasi masama ang pakiramdam niya," Rosie added na nagpatango sa iba naming kaibigan. I feel weird. Bakit parang silang lahat alam na may sakit si Brie? Ako lang ba ang hindi niya sinabihan?

"Nope." Kria made a popping sound in her lips as she said it. "I promised her na 'wag sabihin sa iba, pero magkaibigan tayong lahat, right? Kaya karapatan niyo ring malaman." My eyebrows knit out of confusion. Mas lalo pa akong naguguluhan when Rosie suddenly kept quiet in a very odd way.

"She was harrassed by her boyfriend, pero ayaw niyang sabihin sa lahat dahil nahihiya siya," she said, making me want to shout out of shock. But nobody reacted. It's as if this news was already old and i'm the only one left out clueless about my friend's situation.

"So guys, never let her know na sinabi ko sa inyo." She looked at me, trying to make a face that's full of concern. "Never talk to her about this, lalo ka na, Juliet, masyado ka pa namang caring."

I don't know what to feel. But all I can think of was this urge to know if what she said was real.

Besides, friends are supposed to be there, especially in their hardest times, right?