The Past Comes Back

"lost the one"

Sebastian's POV 

I went back to Albert's feeling like a fool. It had been years and how could I not realize how much I hurt Y/n. I was such an idiot and it was so wrong of me to not know why she was so upset with me. I sat down by the fireplace and smoked a cigarette. I stared at the fire and spaced out. There was nothing I could do, I had lost the one. The one woman that I loved oh so dearly, the one woman who mended my broken bones and healed my bruises, the woman who never turned me away...until now. I could never even be mad because I would do the same if I was her. 

"Dear lord, who has been chain smoking?" I heard Louis enter. 

I quickly tossed the cigarette into the fireplace and tried playing everything off. 

"You know my brother dislikes smoking" Louis reminded me. "I know, it has been a cruddy day" I said to him. "Want a drink?" he offered me. "You drink?" I asked. "My brothers are William and Albert Moriarty, drinking is the only way I stay sane" Louis replied to me. "Good point, I will have whatever you are willing to offer" I said. 

He went to the kitchen and then came back with two glasses of Whiskey. We clinked glasses and then had a few sips. 

"So what is troubling you?" Louis asked me. 

I looked at my drink and took a deep breath in. I considered telling him the truth, but I did not want to. 

"Y/n?" Louis asked. "How did you know?" I asked. "You fancy her, do you not?" he asked. "For years I have" I was honest. "And you never thought to tell her anything?" Louis asked me. "When we were younger...I never needed to. Now, I know I was in the wrong and when I told her how I felt, she went off on me" I explained. 

Louis looked at me for a few moments before saying anything. 

"All those years ago, you never needed to because she probably knew you cared. After you faked your death, she was hurt. Imagine how much more it hurt when she found out you were alive and well and you never told her anything. You never went back to her, you slept around with women, why did you never see her?" Louis asked me. 

I was speechless...I could not come up with a good answer. 

"I don't know why I did that" I explained to him. "Did you still think of her?" Louis asked. "It was such a long time, I needed satisfaction...I would never be proud of how I got that, but that was how I coped in a way. I did not realize it at a later time, but I really do regret those actions" I garbled my words, embarrassed with myself. "You really are a mess...I guess the women fancy that" Louis got up. "How is that supposed to help?" I asked him. 

He laughed. 

"I don't know, I just said that...but between me and you, I think you still have one last chance with her" Louis said to me. "Really?" I asked him. "Yes, she once cared deeply for you, did she not?" Louis asked me. 

"I was in love with you Moran!"  her words rang in my head. The raw emotion from her yells and the pain made me feel worse. 

"She did...but I think I messed up way too badly" I explained to him. "You can redeem yourself, when two people are in love...they will do things that seem almost unthinkable" he said before going to bed. 

I went up to my room and smoked another cigarette. I puffed out and looked at the cigarette in my hand. Y/n hated when I smoked around her. She would scold me and tell me how it was bad for my body. She was right, and I was able to stop for a while...but when the stress becomes too overwhelming, I can't help but have a smoke. 

...I have some really awful coping methods, but that was all I knew and it is always hard to break out of those habits. 

Y/n's POV 

I was at home, sitting outside on my balcony. The city was almost silent...too silent for London, but I liked it. Sitting with my thoughts all alone is all I have known for years. I always was the type to deal with my problems and break down when I knew no one was looking. 

Tonight really was something, but I was confused. I was not sure if I should cry or still feel angry. I was in love with Moran then, now I have new focuses and he was just a childish crush. But he came back and made things so complicated.

If he never "died" how different would things be? Would he still be with me? Would I have married him? What would our life be like? Why did he leave me for so long? Were those women better than me? Can I even compare to all the women he has slept with?

My head started throbbing with pain and my vision was getting a little blurry. I took a few deep breaths in and I started to calm down. I went back inside and when to my kitchen. I poured myself a bottle of wine and opened a drawer. There were a pack of cigarettes in there. They were not for me, they were for my patients when they needed to calm down. 

Of course, I never liked them smoking, but I could never do my treatments with wailing men holding me back. I took one out of the box and got out a match. I hated smoking, but I really was stressed out. I lit up the cigarette and smoked a bit. I walked around the house with my glass of wine and my cigarette. I stopped in front of a mirror and looked at myself. 

I was smoking and drinking at the same time in my white slip with my hair all messy. I really was at a low point and I needed to overcome this hardship...fast.