Lovesick

Chapter 25

Kate stood there lips pressed, gazing at me helplessly. Crushed. I'd never felt so much hurt as I do right now. For once I knew my wife really didn't have it all together. She had been falling apart long before she met me, and Kai knew. HE KNEW! He had said he didn't know her. He had told me that when we met, and when I introduced them, he played along with the charade. What else does he know about my Kitty Kate that I haven't overheard today. I'm just simply at a loss. My wife is standing here, and it's like she's a stranger to me. All of my hopes and dreams that I'd placed in her just crash landed at my feet. Of all the times I tried to protect her from the monster in our house, she was just his damsel in distress. Talk about a punch in the gut. I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach. This whole scenario is making me nauseous. I just can't handle it. My wife, the love of my life, was in a psych ward for cutting herself. I can't picture it. I can't picture her taking a knife to her wrist. And now, after coming so far, she wanting to flush her talent down the toilet. My thoughts are tangled, and I'm weighted into a blank stare. I hear Kate apologize, "Cookie, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I didn't know how you'd react. You always thought so highly of me. You had me up here," she raised her palm up in the air, "on a freaking pedestal. When I'm really down here," she palm dropped towards the floor, "I'm not golden, Cookie. I never have been." I couldn't do this. Talk to her here. It hurt too much to look at her. I looked away, tucking my fingers in the back pockets of my jeans, "Kate, I never dreamed you'd hurt me. I'm hurt terribly. I'm not even sure what to say. Do I even know you?" She moved from behind the counter and stood in front of me. Tears flooded her eyes. She lightly touched my face, "Cookie, the least you could do is look at me." I closed my eyes, and replied solemnly, "Kate, I can't. I'm afraid of what I'll see." Her head lowered, "I see." Her touch left my face, "Cookie, I never wanted to hurt you. I wish none of this come out. If only I could take it all back. I'm sorry for knowing Soobin. I'm sorry for everting. For not putting enough in you, or us. I was afraid myself. Afraid that I'd lose you." I stated almost in a whisper, "You wouldn't have lost me, Kitty Kate. I love you just the way you are. You may not be perfect, but you're perfect enough for me." She sobbed, "Am I, Cookie? So perfect you're ashamed to look at me." If I looked at my Kitty Kate, especially the way I want to, my soul will be exposed completely. And that scares the hell out me. Especially now that I feel don't know my wife at all. I'm so vulnerable right now. Or maybe I just afraid of what I might see. I mumbled, "Kate, we have some sort of flaw. I guess I never pictured you to be so imbalanced." She fell back a step, as though she were shying away, "Imbalanced?" She chided with her hands on her hips, "Cookie, that was many moons ago. I'm perfectly fine." I kept my eyes adverted even though I desperately wanted to fall into her green orbs, "It explains you're attraction to always want to comfort Soobs. Why didn't you tell me? Tell me that you knew him? That he stalked you and how he had so much power over you? I could've done something. Anything to keep all this from getting out of hand." She pressed her lips together and gazed over her shoulder at Kai, then looked at me, "Cookie," she closed the gap between us, "Cookie, please look at me." I refused. She huffed silently, "I...I love you so much that I wanted to protect you. Protect you from all of this. I was afraid if you knew of my horrid past, you wouldn't have anything to do with me." I felt the tears sting my eyes and one slipped, cascading down my face, "Kate, do you think I would've cared? Do you think it would've made a difference? I fell into you that day at the park, and I've been falling ever since. Flaws and all I have loved you. You're not her anymore, right? I need time, Kate. Time to process this." She nodded sadly, "Ok, Cookie. I want to explain it to you." My chest tightened. Could I bare to hear the details? Did I really want to know? Could it be anything to make me love her less? I don't think so simply because I'm so in love with her. All of me loves all that she is and all that she will ever be. I slowly half gazed at her, and I saw love in her eyes. I saw heaps of sadness. I wanted to wrap my arms around my Kitty Kate. Pull her to me and hold her close. Let her cry on me like she has many times before. But for now I simply need to keep her at a distance until I'm able to allow what I heard sink in. She's looking at me so helplessly, and I'm finding myself bending, crumbling right along with her. If she'd been any other woman, I would have walked away. Not giving a care, but she's not the only one with secrets. Mari and the baby incident my had been Soobin's evil plan to destroy me, but I've been through something even more deeper. Behind this adorable teddy bear facade resides someone who MOA's would never recognize. Kate maybe, but the fans no. I'm truly not who they think I am. Behind this pretty face is someone who's been wounded, not just by friends, but by family. I had to build myself back up and walk the road alone....until Kate walked into my life. I had no one to depend on. I turned to alcohol at a young age. That's why I can't hold my liquor without falling on my face. I fell into the wrong crowd before we moved to Daegu. My parents despised me to a degree. They would lock me in my room. Nail my windows shut. Just to keep me from sneaking out at night. To keep me off the streets. Somehow, someway, I'd always find a way to slip out. The more I drank, the more it showed on my face. I underwent plastic surgery to hide the signs to the point I almost didn't recognize myself. Even after that I continued to drown my sorrows and pain in whiskey, bourbon, vodka. It wasn't until the move to Daegu, when I met Kai, that I slowly turned from my wild phase. I had made a friend. Someone who accepted me with a welcoming smile. And the day my eyes met Kate's I knew I had found my forever home. I was a devilish child until my heart found its place. I turned to music and photography, and Kate was my muse. One would never think. It wasn't until my first taste of alcohol. If I tell Kate I was sent to AA meetings, and continued to drink, would she still love you? Would she still love me if she knew the man standing before her was different years ago...way before our paths crossed? I hide my face. I know Kate's not perfect, but I'm afraid of losing her for not being honest with her. I feel Kate step in further. She circles are arms around my neck, and I collapsed burying my face in the crook of her neck. I sob, clinging to her, "Kate, I'm a mess too." She holds me tighter and I feel her fingers stroking the bleached strands of my hair. She too was crying, "Cookie, I'm so sorry. Talk to me." I only stood there crying harder. It finally felt good to let it all out. All the pain of carrying it around, hiding behind the mask of insecurity. I can still myself, my old self buried behind the hood of a hoodie with my bangs long and in my eyes. The years of my youth taken over by the ages of the alcohol. After a long moment of Kate's shhhing me and telling me everything was going to be okay, and how much she loved me, I lifted my head. My precious lifesaver wiped away the tracks of my tears, taking my face into her petite hands. I was rendered speechless. Her eyes searched mine, my face, "Cookie, whatever it is, it can't be so bad. I'm with you, and I'll never leave you." I blinked and another free fell down my face, "Kitty Kate, I'm not who you think I am." She smirked, "Baby, I don't think any of us truly are." I shook my head, "I used to be an alcoholic. I used alcohol to hide behind the pain of my youth. I ran with a rough crowd, getting into trouble. This face you see isn't me. I underwent many plastic surgeries to hide the signs of aging brought on by the years of abusive alcohol." Her bottom lip trembled, "Cookie, my poor beautiful Cookie. How much you've crumbled. I...I don't care. I love you. I'm in love you. Your past, your present, your future. I choose all of you. That's how much I love you. I take the good, the bad, the ugly." Knowing that just made me love her all that much more. Maybe together we can heal, and mend the broken pieces of our past. But first I need to get to the bottom of Soobs long time infatuation with her, and how it led her to where she's been. I took her by the hand and led her to the living room. We sat down on the sofa. I exhaled and leaned forward a bit, twisted the safety pin ring on the middle finger of my right hand, the very one Kate and I shared. It was our eternity ring, a promise to one another. I had bought her one when I purchased mine. I asked, glancing over at her, "Kate, tell me about you. Please. Tell me how Soobs fall into all this. I need to know. I want to understand why all this is happening. Help me to." She looked hesitant at first as her eyes fell to her lap, "It's complicated, Cookie." I kept my eyes on her, "Try me, baby." She rubbed her left wrist, and I saw the small, faint line. I'd seen it many times before but never thought much about it. It was just an imperfection that I loved about her. Now I know it's a mark from her past. I reached for her hand, letting her know I'm here and ready to listen even though I was terrified on the inside. My fingers caressed hers, "It's okay, Kitty Kate. You don't have to be afraid anymore." She nervously bit on her lower lip, her fingers intertwining with mine, "Cookie, it's just terrifying remembering. I wanted to put it behind me. It's not a pretty place." I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it, "Take me there. I want to see what you went through. You're not alone now. I'm with you." I sat there, listening intently, tears rising in the back of my eyes, as she explained verbatim everything she went through and how Soobs stalked her, making her feel like she was going out of her mind. My heart ached, especially when she described how she took the knife to her wrist, and watched the blood dripping and running down her arm as though she felt nothing. How could one not? It made me cringe just imaging being in the same room with her the way Kai was, and not do anything. Did he seriously not try and stop her? She wasn't in her right mind. Soobs had gotten into her head, twisting her thoughts, and making her feel things that weren't really there. She went on telling me about her time in the psych ward, and seeing Soobs there, and how he continued to sway her into thinking they were destined to be. It broke me. I don't know how she ever overcame all this, but I'm glad she did. It wasn't healthy for her, and just like me she was warped and confused for a season. Even now he's trying to use his power trip over her. I pull her to me and tell her that I'll keep her safe. I tell her how very much I love her, and thank her for putting her trust in me. Then I tell her no more secrets. And right there we both made a vow to always be open and honest with one another.