Only for me | Draco Malfoy

5.

I didn't get a wink of sleep. I don't even remember moving. I don't remember ever moving.

I remember staring up at the ceiling. My mind felt both crowded and empty at the same time. A part of me couldn't believe what had just happened. A part of me was telling myself that what had happened wasn't so bad. It was telling me that I was being overly dramatic. It was telling me that this was all a mistake. The other part of my brain was warning me that this was serious, that a trauma was developing. Have you ever been in a situation where you had no idea how it would affect you for the rest of your life? That you'd always remember it and that there was no getting away from it?

I had to force myself out of bed at one point to close the door. I had to reattach the bottom of my bathing suit. I didn't want to think about that action because I knew it was evidence of the nightmare that had just happened. I pressed my ear against the door, listening for any sounds that would indicate that the rest of my friends were awake. When I didn't hear anything, I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't sure how long it had been since Ryder had left the room, but it couldn't have been long enough for everyone to sleep off the alcohol. Instead of going back to bed, I leant against the door, allowing my knees to buckle and slid down to the floor.

Maybe if I had girlfriends, I'd know what to do next. I could climb into one of their beds and tell them right now, while it was still fresh in my mind. They would have suggestions for me. They could direct my actions. They would stroke my hair and assure me that everything would be fine.

Kaitlin and I were once friends. Not like we are now, where we merely share the same space most of the time. We were the type of friends who slept over every Wednesday night because we couldn't get enough of each other.

Everything changed during the seventh-grade summer. That summer, I spent my vacation in Spain with my father. He insisted on bonding time, to strengthen our father-daughter relationship, which I'm sure he felt was slipping away. That summer, I developed my appearance. I'd never been a bad person. Even as an awkward preteen, I was quite attractive, but that summer, my face hollowed out and revealed new angles. My thin body developed curves, the most noticeable of which were the breasts and hips. I didn't even notice until we returned to the United States and started school again the following fall.

People began to treat me differently after that. Boys were hanging on every word I said. Girls became both friendly and catty at the same time. The most noticeable difference, however, was how Kaitlin began to treat me. She grew jealous of the attention I was receiving. She grew closer to Sarah and began using any opportunity to make a snide remark, aim being to bring me down. She was, however, always smiling. Then she started dating Louis, and our friendship groups merged. Kaitlin, Sarah, and I never ate lunch with just us three again. Louis, Finn, Ryder, Harry, and Jacob soon followed us wherever we went. Even though we appeared to be a close-knit group from the outside, and I know for a fact that most of them are, I didn't feel any genuine friendship with any of them.

Sarah and Kaitlin had become a package deal, growing closer than Kaitlin and I had ever been. While Kaitlin was the loud and bubbly social butterfly, Sarah was more quiet and shy. She didn't cause any drama, but I knew she enjoyed seeing it firsthand. Sarah had shoulder length ginger curly hair and was almost as tall as most of the boys, completely opposite to Kaitlin's long ice blond hair and short, petite frame. They were both stunning in their own right, but they were both insecure. Always making an effort to look their best, with the best makeup and clothing. They brought other girls down in order to raise themselves.

Louis was a lovely young man. He had been crushing on Kaitlin since we all met in middle school, and I remember when he finally had the courage to ask her to be his girlfriend. Harry and Jacob were typical flirts, which was not surprising given that they both had the kind of looks that teenage girls adore. Jock, tall, muscular, and well-dressed. The only significant difference between them was Jacob's piercing; Harry had brown hair, while Jacob has brown hair as well, but he has a lip piercing. I was never particularly close to them. I don't think either of them has stopped flirting with me long enough to find out what my favourite colour is.

Finn was not like Harry or Jacob in that regard. Yes, he flirted with me at first. He did, however, come to a quick stop when he realised I wasn't interested. Finn was the shortest out of the three. He didn't have the muscles that his friends did because he didn't participate in sports like them. That didn't seem to affect his game with girls. He had his own distinct style that drew any girl he desired. When Draco joined the group, he and Finn became fast friends. They are more serious and quiet than the other guys. They never took the room's attention unless it was given to them.

Draco was much more mysterious to me, which was not surprising given that I had known the others for years. Despite the fact that he'd been hanging out with us for awhile, I knew nothing about him. Not that I made any effort, but he also made no effort to get to know me. So I didn't feel bad about it. We had only recently talked.

That left Ryder. My stomach dropped into my throat just thinking about him. The worst part was that he was the one I most trusted. I even considered him to be a friend. He had always been courteous and considerate to me. Sure, he's hinted that he's interested in me before, but he's never brought it up. I had the impression that I had never met Ryder before last night. It confused me.

I sighed slightly as I looked out the large window at the sun. It was almost to the top of the sky at this point, and I knew the others would be awake soon. Even with hangovers, I knew they'd rather spend the day on the lake than sleep all day. I brushed my long hair around my neck, slightly groaning as I felt the knots that had formed.

I hadn't even started crying yet.

I wasn't sure if that was good for me. It most likely wasn't.

In fact, the longer I sat here in the quiet, the more my mind tried to lull me into surrender.

When people say the human mind is powerful, I've never given it much thought. I always assumed it was something the teachers told us to convince us that we were all smart but just lazy. I mistook them for talking about all the good the human mind could do. I hadn't even considered the evil within our own heads.

The mind has the ability to deceive and trick us. The mind can become ill or infected. With no evidence other than our thoughts, there was no proof for anyone to see. Unless you're prepared, your mind can deceive you as well as any sociopath alive today.

That is exactly what was happening to me right now.

My mind was telling me things that I knew deep down were incorrect. They were, however, convincing. They were logical.

My mind told me that no one saw me beyond my appearance. My brain didn't have to work hard to persuade me of that. I willingly accepted it. Did I have any worth other than my appearance? What lies beyond my body and my face? For so long, no one had bothered to get to know me beyond my outside. I had forgotten what it was like for someone to be curious about who I was.

I'm not even sure I knew who I was.

Aside from a pretty face and a nice body.

Perhaps that's all I was.

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