Right But Wrong

how it all began

                                                                                          Avery:

Have you ever loved someone so much, it made you see no flaws in that person? I find it an idiotic concept, why would you go through anything for someone just for love? If someone is really putting you through all of that who's to say they even love you at all?

Some may say that's a heartless way of thinking but when you grow up with a mother that's so love blind by her husband, you start to wonder every night why? Why does she love a man she met more than her child? Are you so unlovable that she would pick some lover over you? Are you not enough for her? Are you not enough for anyone? 

All the question fill your mind, there's no point looking at logistics when all you hear over and over is how worthless you are.

I'm currently home alone, home in this big house that feels so empty and feels nothing like what a home should.

I have friends that mention to me how their home feels, how their home works. They have a loving father and a perfect mother, both always looking out for them, i wish i had such things in my life. I wonder what that feeling of love and care feels like. I had it for one moment in my life, when i was a young child, but all of that stopped when i was six. When my father had enough and decided to leave and take my brothers with him, leaving me and my mother to survive on our own.

I don't blame my father, although at times its difficult not to. Its difficult not to think of how it would be if it was different. If him and my brothers stayed. If they did would i be loved and adored like my friends? Or would things be worst?

For a while it was just me and my mum. We lived in one bedroom apartments, ate whatever was the cheapest thing we could find and took clothes from charity stores. You might think i'm crazy but that was one of the best times of my life, just me and mum, it felt nice to have all her attention to myself.

But all good things must come to an end i suppose. And so it did. She met a man, Marvic, she said he swept her off her feet like a fairytale with a happy ending. But she must have been swept too far because soon we went to live with him and his sons. 

At first everything felt fine, like it might be a happy fairytale after all, like a dream come true. That was until mum and Marvic got married, the moment everything changed. 

My two new step-brothers, Issac and Rowen, had games they liked to play. Games that would end with someone in tears, those tears usually belonging to me, at least the real ones did. 

Sometimes i would tell mama how it was, most of the time she wouldn't believe me and the times she did, she would repeat the same phrases over and over "boys will boys", "their just playing with you", "don't be so selfish", "I've got work to do".

Eventually i decided telling someone was no use. Until today that is. 

My plan was simple, tell her as soon as she came back home from work, Issac and Rowen would be at football practice and Marvic would still be working.

As if on cue my mum walked in and dropped her bags on the floor. Instantly i went to help her and once we got to the kitchen she glanced over at me.

"spill it" she stated.

"what?" i asked in confusion.

"you never help this fast unless there's something you want to say or ask, so spill it" she was right, usually i would help later or already be up in my room.

"It's about Issac and Rowen" I started.

"oh for god's sake not this again, how many times do i have to tell you" boys will be boys "boys will be boys" the same words i was sick of hearing and that made me feel invisible.

"They raped me" I whispered.

"what?" my mum looked at me with fury in her eyes, it was like i was no longer invisible. Maybe this time she would believe me. Maybe she would finally leave Marvic and allow it to be just us again. Maybe i would finally feel like i was loved and somewhat appreciated. Remember what it felt like to be a priority.

She would go back to work, i would get a small job too of course. We would move to a small apartment and eat the reduced items from shops or the cheapest food we could find. It sounded like a dream come true.

"they-" i started to say before she cut me off

"shut up. That is the most absurd thing i have ever heard you say." what.. "go to your room. i don't even want to see you. I have a right to send you to boarding school with that sort of talk" before i could say another word she turned around.

Eventually I turned too, knowing there was clearly no use to continue. My heart felt shattered and i knew my dreams were crushed. That's all they ever were weren't they? Dreams. Looking up, i practically jumped out of my skin and all i felt in that moment was fear.

I ran and tried to shut my bedroom door behind me but i was already too late. I was too late as soon as i started to think about telling my mum.

"so you tried telling on us hm?" I heard his cold voice and i took a step back in terror.

"well? answer my brother little brat." I felt the tears prick my eyes.

What happened next i don't even want to mention, but in that moment no matter how much i struggled there was no hope for me. How was i supposed to escape such strong hands anyway? Hands that made me feel dirty and ruined.

All i knew, other than how i wanted and needed to run, was my body no longer belonged to me, i don't know if it ever did. No matter how much i wanted to fight it, my body wasn't mine and probably never would be.

"who do you belong to bitch?" i heard Issac's voice after he and his brother had taken everything that belonged to me, including any hope i ever had. 

I felt the scream trapped in my throat but it never escaped. All i could do was stay in silence and pray everything would eventually end.