Death to Bumble Bees

7: bee vs hope

Listen to Photographs by Rihanna ft. will.i.am

Chapter Seven: Bee VS. Hope

"Beatrice. Open your eyes." Someone shook Bee's limp body--their impatient voice like nails on chalkboard as she struggled against the heavy blanket of unconsciousness.

Groaning, her head spun. Shaking the pounding in her foggy brain away, she found herself waking within strong arms wrapped around her protectively. Opening her eyes in confusion, she looked up, captured in a pair of black eyes rimmed in dark, thick lashes.

"Jason?" She frowned, blinking away the sleep.

Lying beside her, Jason hovered over her in a show of concern as he brushed his thumb along her temple--smoothing away the sweat gathered at her hairline. "Who else?" He mumbled, his rough fingers moving to trace her face lightly, "You're okay." He confirmed for her, reassuring her sweetly as he leaned down, his lips brushing along her skin as he kissed her--his usual cure for her bad dreams.

Trying her hardest to enjoy the comforting feeling of Jason pressing kisses along her jaw, Bee still just couldn't shake the already blurry memories. Confusing images swirled her vision, however, she was so sure that the pictures formed in her head weren't just a product of her imagination. They felt so... real.

With the gentle push against Jason's warm chest, Bee sat up; her heartbeat quickening as she set her brows in determination. Turning to the lamp beside the bed, she flicked the light on. With her teeth painfully clenched down, her eyes tearfully adjusted to the brightness. Inhaling sharply, Bee took in the dorm room that she had only seen in her dreams:

One twin bed, one desk, one closet, and one kitchen counter for appliances. The only thing missing had been her own belongings that were still packed away.

Bee froze--her lungs deflating with an unsteady exhale.

"Beatrice, what's wrong?" Jason asked worriedly, grabbing her numbed hand and squeezing it. "Do you feel sick? Should I get you your pills?" He got up without waiting for her answer, unzipping her suitcase with one swipe and grabbing the pills in the hidden pocket.

Bee watched the half-naked boy quietly, her eyebrows pulled together as her brain felt oddly quiet. "Jason," She spoke in a hushed voice.

Jason turned to her, his squinted eyes sweeping down her body with worry. "I'm here, baby." He promised, sounding close to a panic as he tried to pin-point the problem--bending down in front of her. "Whatever you need."

Out of habit, Bee reached out her hand, caressing his handsomely rugged face. Her heart squeezed, wanting to take away his worry. "I'm okay, Jase." She lied, "But I need to go somewhere."

Jason frowned, shaking his head unsurely, "Bee, it's the middle of the night--what could possibly be so important?"

Guilt flooded Bee as she thought of the answer.

Rath.

Controlling her expression, she shook her head, "Inspiration strikes at weird times, Jase."

Although his eyes stayed suspicious, Jason's face softened. A relieved smile played on his lips as he nodded, "Inspiration? Let me come with you then--I promise I won't get in the way."

Before Bee could respond, he was already grabbing his discarded clothing off the ground; slipping on yesterday's light-washed jeans and grey tee. She thought about arguing, unsure of how to explain the situation if what she was thinking was true, but then she thought of the shadow creatures and the chill rolling down her spine made her keep her lips shut. Following after him, Bee shoved on the first clothes she touched over top the lacy lingerie. Finding herself in a pair of sweatpants matched (a very loose interpretation of 'matched') with a cropped gold button-up, she marched out of the dorm room.

"Forgetting something?" Jason lounged against the door frame--nearly taking up the entire space as he dangled her camera from his fingers, an amused look on his face despite the narrowing in his eyes as he watched her carefully.

Flushing, Bee laughed nervously, "Right. Probably a good idea to bring that, too." Taking the camera and slinging it around her neck, she took a deep breath and made her way down the lit up hall towards the narrow stairs.

She heard Jason lock up behind her, catching up with her in record time thanks to his long legs and strides. He didn't grab her hand like he normally did, but Bee barely noticed; her face set straight ahead and completely focused. She didn't slow down until she made it to the edge of the forest, her legs hesitating as she looked onwards. Unlike in the dream, it was still dark--and that was somehow even scarier than the foggy early-morning grey lighting.

She felt Jason's large fingers lace around hers--appearing to know that she needed the extra strength his presence suddenly gave her. "Have I ever told you how pretty you are in the moonlight?" He asked; his deep voice breaking the silence.

Bee looked over at him, the guilt climbing up her throat as she took in the beautiful man before her. The way the moonlight contoured his hard face and muscular body was hardly fair. "You're pretty, too." She mumbled, distracted by his dark eyes as they held her captive for a moment.

"We can go back." He offered her an out, his eyes flickering with something unreadable. "I will inspire you myself if you're really set on being inspired tonight."

Bee smiled at that, "Is this your way of telling me you're not satisfied enough from before?" she shook her head as he started to reply, "I have to do this, Jase." She told him, just as much as she told herself--forcing her feet to move as she stepped into the dark forest. Her hand slipped out of his as she left him behind, walking further into the dying patch of trees.

She was eternally grateful she could hear him behind her, his steps echoing hers reassuringly as she made her way towards the hill. Everything, she noticed with a coldness in her bloodstream, was the same as it had been in the flickering images of her dream.

Except, she thought nervously, that there were no monsters.

After a much longer hike than what she remembered doing in her dream, Bee made it to the top of the hill. Slightly out of breath, she inhaled the cool fresh air deeply. Her body was shaking, her nerves trembling not from the exercise but from the realization of what she was about to do.

She was chasing down someone that had threatened to kill her the next time she saw him. Was this really worth it? Even though her blood sang with the need to see him, and her brain could think of nothing else, was there really nothing else that had a pull on her?

"Beatrice," Jason's voice was strained--as if knowing there was something not quite... right. That Bee wasn't quite right.

Bee's eyelashes fluttered, looking over at him as she bit her lip. What about Jason? She asked herself, looking at his handsome, nearly perfect face--his eyebrows stitched together as his eyes almost begged her to leave with him. To never look back again.

Didn't he have a pull over her? If nothing and no one else in her life did, he had to have. And it was true, he did. He was the one thing in her life that made things feel normal and like she wasn't just walking blindly within a world that paid no mind to her. He was the only one that looked back and waited for her--who wanted her and maybe even needed her. He had a pull over her. He absolutely did.

But not like him.

Something inside of her answered as she winced and turned away from his hopeful expression. If she didn't do this--if she didn't grab the chance to see Rath--she would forever regret it. She would forever feel like she missed taking back whatever it was that Rath took from her when he left. Whatever he did, it left her empty--more empty than she had already been. Now she was a shell. And how was it fair to her or Jason if she couldn't give him all that he deserved? How was it fair if she could never love him because that part of her was stolen from her? How was this any better than being truly dead? She wasn't complete--like the shadow creatures in her nightmare, she was a mere mirage that no one could really see.

Rath was the only one that could make her whole again.

Knowing her answer with her entire being, Bee found herself walking up the stairs to the rotting door, pushing it open carefully to keep it from collapsing like in her dream, and stepped inside. She didn't stop until she stood at the boarded door, using her foot, she gave the weak wood a swift kick--breaking the boards easily as her foot passed through the already disintegrating planks. It wasn't until she finally crawled through the hole she created, that she stopped and finally looked up eagerly.

With an impossibly tight aching in her chest, Bee abruptly sunk to the floor as her knees gave way. Despair hit her so strong, she felt the shock of pain all the way down to her fingertips and toes. Because there was nothing. Rath wasn't there anymore. Perhaps he had never been there in the first place. Bee was alone and left to be as empty as the room. All the hope she had managed to hold onto all the years between then and now, seemed to rot away with the house around her.

She was truly and utterly abandoned.

End of Chapter Seven

Not me just absolutely CRUSHING Bee under my boot like the bumble bee she is *sigh* I sorry. Welcome to abandonment issues and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria--this is basically how it feels every time. What fun! Here's to any fellow autistic/ND people/people who have BPD tendencies that suffer with RSD. Hold on my doods, it sucks here, but sometimes these big feelings become a bit lighter with time and patience x