He Changed Me (BoyxBoy)

Chapter Nineteen

CHAPTER NINETEEN

            Throughout the entire funeral Seth didn’t say a word. It was as if he wasn’t even there. When he woke up this morning he didn’t say anything. He didn’t try to hug me or kiss me like he has done these past couple days and that I understand. It didn’t bother me at all I just wish he would talk to me or let me be there for him. When my mom picked us up Seth only greeted her and Dave and didn’t say anything else. When we got to the church he sat in the back and we had no choice but to sit there with him.

            The only time anyone was aware of his presence was at the cemetery when he went to put flowers on his mom and sister’s coffin. Everyone’s attention turned to him. To Seth it was it was just him, his mom and his sister. He stood there for a few minutes. No one bothered him or said a word to him. They let him have his moment. After he finished saying what I assumed to be his good byes he came back and stood right next to me where he was.

            After the burial his father had tried to speak to him. In that moment I had thought Seth should speak to him but Seth ignored him and went to sit in the back of the car. No one asked any questions. No one said anything. Two hours later my mom had to leave for China. We said our goodbyes and she had Seth walk her down to the lobby. I have no idea what went on there.

            Without a word he came back up and started making dinner, which I told him he didn’t have to and even offered to do it but he ignored me. I had thought the best thing to do was leave him alone because that’s what he seemed like he needed but I couldn’t find the nerve to even be within a few steps from him. He needed me. He didn’t act like it, he never said it nor did I expect him to because I knew better and I knew he needed me.

            And now, here we are. I’m watching TV and Seth’s typing up a storm on my desktop. I’ve learned that when he’s avoiding something, someone, even himself, he turned to his books. I wish he would turn to me instead. I know I can be there for him. I can hold him, I can hug him, and I can tell him that I love him. He needs love and I love him.

            Apparently he wasn’t answering his phone either. Hunter texted me asking if he was okay, to which I lied. It was the right wrong thing to do.

            “Where’re you going?”

            “Bed.”

            Sighing, I got up and followed him. To my surprise, he went to his room instead of mine. Ever since the…the…rooftop thing (my chest hurts just thinking about it) we’ve slept in the same bed and now he doesn’t want to sleep with me? Is it really that hard for him to be around me? Maybe it’s my fault. I didn’t give him space and now he’s taking it.

            I put some pajamas on and went to bed. My head automatically turned to the side where I’ve gotten so accustomed to Seth lying in just a couple days. All I want is for him to be okay. At the moment I know that’s not possible but I can still wish and want and hope. The need to get up and go to him was overwhelming, very much so, but I held myself in check.

            Sighing, I closed my eyes and unsuccessfully convinced myself to go to sleep. It was minutes later I felt the bed dip. I was so caught up in my own thoughts and thinking about Seth that I didn’t hear him come in. My eyes were wide with shock when I felt the covers move and the movement of Seth moving closer to me.

            “Go to sleep babe,” he said. “I’m fine.” I didn’t believe him but somehow that comforted me and I felt myself dozing off. Deep in my sleep, I vaguely heard Seth speaking to me. I wanted to hear what he had to say so I woke myself up and listened. The back of his fingertips gently stroking my cheek was the most soothing sensation I have ever felt. “I love you so much, Travis.” I couldn’t stop the sigh that I breathed through my nose. “You saved my life in so many ways. I would be broken if I didn’t have your presence to constantly remind me of a reason to go on. To be honest I think I would forget what I feel for you if you weren’t here. There’s so much pain in my heart and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to feel about it. It takes over everything I feel.”